Yes, I’m done yelling! Yes, it felt good to get it out of my system. And yes, I’m done being mad also. You know, I can never be mad at you for too long, and yes, I did have a hard time sleeping last night because I felt bad for yelling at you so much!! But you totally deserved it though! You know, even my sister is mad at you! She says, “Sean won’t do anything Sean doens’t want to do!” Ain’t that the truth! A few weeks after you passed, I was beating myself up for not pushing you harder to go to the hospital, and even your Mama said, “Sean was a grown man and all the nagging in the world wouldn’t have made him go if he didn’t want to.” So, your top two ladies and SIL are mad at you. Well, your Mama told me today that she isn't mad at you anymore. She said she was mad at you in beginning, but now she not mad anymore; instead she is working towards healing. I was texting with her today to arrange a time for her to come pick out some of your things that she would want to keep (You know, as part of my grieving process, I have to give one thing of yours away each day. So, I have people scheduled to come throughout the week to get what they want to remember you by. Your watches are very popular, everybody wants one! But nobody has asked for your shoes, though?! What the heck am I going to do with size 13 shoes?!) I asked if she felt better now that she knows your cause of death since earlier she said, “I won’t be able to find peace unless I know what happened to my son.” She said, “Nope!” Yeah me either--it doesn’t help or change anything. If anything, it made me madder at you...maybe it could have been prevented?! Yeah, Yeah, I know what I said earlier that when it’s your time to go, you go. But sometimes, even though you believe in something intrinsically, you still want to believe that it could be different if you just made one different decision. That's all it takes sometimes, one different decision. People have crisis of faith all the time--so don’t throw it in my face. Yeah, of course, I wish things could be different; you don’t know how much I wish everyday for things to be different. Today, all I kept asking myself was, “When will I wake up from this nightmare?!” (Yeah, crying in the car started again today. I didn’t even pull out of my parking space when the tears uncontrollably rolled down my cheeks.)
You know that you died because you were being you, right? You were stubborn (not listening to your wife when she asked you to go to the hospital on multiple occasions after you complained of chest pains the Wednesday before you passed) and also because you never want to make a big deal about anything, even when we went to the ER on the day of the motorcycle accident. You were trying to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal. You made it seem like you were burdening the doctors by being there (yes, I made you go that time also)!! I asked the doctor to do a full body scan, the whole nine yards, even a CT-scan of your brain. The doctor said it wasn’t necessarily, but will do it if we request it. I said, “Yes, our insurance will cover it.” But you said, “No, don’t listen to her. She’s just overreacting like usual.” (Now I’m sure you wished you listen to me, right Babe?!--yes, I’m still a little bitter!! I hope you learned the lesson that your wife is always right, as usual!!) I don’t know, maybe if we didn’t go to the ER that day and you weren’t on painkillers, things might be different also. See, these are all the “what if” questions and thoughts swirling around inside my head--I know I need to stop before I drive myself crazy! But, you’re usually the one that talks me off the ledge, and you’re not here anymore, are you?! So, now I’m just stuck with these questions and thoughts swirling around inside my head until they stop on their own. But, I believe with conviction that if you were meant to be alive, you would be. But, even though I know this and believe it with conviction, I still can wish that things could have turned out differently and that this isn’t how our story ends.
I guess I failed at trying to get you to understand this one simple concept about marriage, (I say these words to you until I’m blue in the face, but you never seemed to fully comprehend them, but I’ll admit, you were slowly starting to get it though)--“Your decisions affects me, even if they have nothing to do with me.” You decided not to go to the hospital when you were experiencing chest pains, but now I have to live with the consequences of your decision. It had nothing to do with me, and it only affected you, but the consequences of your decision also affects me and my life. Maybe you never grasped this concept because I always made sure my decisions took you into consideration, even if they only involved me. (Okay fine, not always but most of the time...okay maybe 60-75% of the time, but for sure, I was definitely better at this than you were. You were probably at 30-45%!!)
P.S. I really think you need to stop punishing me for yelling at you yesterday!! YA came over to jump start your Mini, but it wouldn't start. (So, I left the lights on when I drove it the Saturday before I left for China, so the battery died. Oh, just get over it Babe, I'm sorry, but it happens!!) So, I called roadside service, and they couldn’t jump start it either. Did you know, all three cars needed servicing after you passed? When I drove Lexi to So Cal after your memorial service, the check engine light was on, and when I drove your Mini for the first time, I noticed the check engine light was on also. And, I had a recall on my car (I know again!! That's what I get for buying a PVT (production validation test) unit!) I finally took the Mini and Lexi to the mechanic the week before I left for China and dropped my car off for servicing while I was in China. And now the Mini needs to be towed to the mechanic!! Cut me some slack, Babe!! And yes, I love that I don’t have to beg and plead to drive your Mini now. (“Babe, can I drive your mini?!” No. “Babe, can I borrow your Mini?” No. “But Babe, you said I could drive your Mini when you bought it.” Well, I changed my mind!) Now, I can drive it whenever I want. That’s what you get for dying on me.
P.S.S. I guess you really thought I needed something to remember you by. It happened the first time I went to your Aunt JJ’s by myself was after you passed. I’ve never been there without you before, so it felt so odd and surreal when I was there. When I left, I was so sad that I started to cry when I was driving home. As I was getting on the 880, a pebble hit my windshield and left a ding in the center of the windshield on the driver side. I knew it was you trying to tell me to stop crying, so I did. Well, I finally got it fixed with I took my car in for servicing last week. They filled the ding, but since it had already started to spread, the tiny crack is still there. So, every time I see the tiny crack in the windshield when I'm driving, I think of you or I’m cursing you--depends on whether you are annoying me or not that day!!
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.