Ain't Marriage a B**** Part II

Babe,
   
You know what?!  I’m still mad at you!  I tried to let it roll off yesterday and be the better person, but I realize, I’m still really upset at you!!  

So, I talked to my therapist today and told her how upset I was at you.  She asked if writing has helped, and I said no.  She asked what I was writing about.  I told her, I was writing about how upset I was with you and all the things you should have done but didn’t do because you were being you!!  Stubborn, never taking anything seriously, never wanting to make a big deal out of anything, always wanting things to just play itself out, instead of being proactive and taking corrective action before it blows up in your face, and thinking you’re invincible (sometimes, I don’t think you realize you’re 49 freakin’ years old!!). The universe wanted to teach you a lesson for thinking you could defy death; for thinking that you were above death; for not paying attention to your body; for not taking the small things in life more seriously; for not understanding that we don't have power or control over our fate; for being foolish to think that you couldn't die over something as insignificant and inconsequential as chest pains, shortness of breath, and mild swelling in your leg.  The universe wanted to remind you that we're just tiny specks in the world and that we don't really have any control over anything in this world.  We're just living within the grace and mercy of the universe.     

“SY, you just have to fight through the pain,” is what you would tell me whenever I asked you to go to the doctor after you injure yourself from playing basketball, flag football, or from doing something like you’re 20-something.  I always had to remind you, “Act your age!! You’re not 20-something anymore.”  One time when you were at a team outing for work, you decided to play flag football and got injured.  When I found out it was because you were 'acting a fool' and trying to show off like you were 20-something, I didn’t cut you any slack.  I made you do all your household chores and obligations as usual because I didn't think it was fair I get stuck with the late 40-something S when the world got the 20-something version of you.  So, if you wanted to act like you’re 20-something when you go out into the world, then I’ll treat you like you’re the invincible 20-something at home also.  Now, I wished I was harder on you after your motorcycle accident.  Maybe you’d still be alive because you would realize, “Oh shit?! I’m 49 years old and I shouldn’t let my ego and pride get the better of me when I can feel that something is not quite right with my body,” instead of thinking, “I’m invincible!!  I’ll just push through the pain.  A little chest pain and shortness of breath can’t kill me!?!”  I hate to break the news to you Babe, but you’re not Superman (even though I know you would beg to differ).

Now, looking back at all those dreams where you were sad and didn’t say anything, I thought you were sad because you had to leave me, but now I know, you weren’t sad that you left me.  You were scared that I would find out the truth, and you were bracing yourself for the “SY craziness” that is about to get unleashed when I find out.  If you were still alive, I would kill you myself for being so stupid and dumb.  You were acting like that song by Khalid, 'Young, dumb, broke high school kid.'  You were just focused on your ego and pride by playing if off like it wasn't a big deal, instead of paying attention to what your body was trying to tell you.  I get that all the signs were mild and subtle, and the painkillers were probably masking a lot of the pain and symptoms, but you knew something was off!!  You shouldn't have ignored it or played it off.  You kept saying it was because of the bruise bones or your lack of exercise.  You never once thought of me.  You didn't care if I was left here alone in this world.  You never once thought, “Oh S***!! Maybe, I should listen to my wife and go to the hospital.  I rather make sure it’s not something more serious and rule it out, then to die and leave her all alone in this cruel world by herself.”  Nope, instead you decided to be reckless and play Russian roulette with your life.  You were a walking timebomb waiting to go off. 

My therapist feels that writing isn’t helping with the anger because I’m fixated on what you did wrong instead of asking why am I so angry at you; what is causing the pain behind the anger.  But, for right now, I’ll just continue to fixate on what you did wrong because processing the pain and emotions behind my anger is just too much to bear right now.  It’s not something I want to explore or process because I know it will hurt too much, more than all the raw emotions I’ve shared and expressed when you first passed.  Now, I get why Annette Benning was so angry at her husband in that widow movie I watched when I was in China the first time around called The Face of Love.  I didn’t get it at the time.  I didn’t understand that her husband didn’t have to die either.  I was just focused on her pain and grief because that was the stage I was on.  He died because he thought he was invincible like you.  He thought he knew better than the universe and could defy death, that he was bigger than the universe.  They were in Mexico for their anniversary, and he wanted to go for a swim in the ocean, even though the resort advised against it because of the strong tide that was expected to come in.  But he didn’t listen, he went anyways, so he drowned.  Just like that, her life came crashing down because he made a decision without taking her into consideration.  That’s how I feel about you right now!!  I’m angry that you didn’t think about me; that I wasn't important enough for you to even consider wanting to live for as long as possible so you can see what the next day, the next week, the next month, and the next years will bring.  Do you remember these words?!  These were the words you said to me in your vows.  You said I was your everything, that you couldn't find the words to express how deeply you loved me, and that you couldn't wait to see what the next day, the next week, the next month, and the next years will bring.  How could you say all these things, and then not even think about me for just one second when you decided to not go to the doctor.  You were being selfish!  You were only thinking of yourself.  You took everything we built together in the last 14+ years and threw it away in just seconds, minutes.  Everything.  Gone.  Shattered.  Never ever to be again. How can you be so selfish and STUPID!?!  (This is the part where I would tell you to just leave because I'm so angry; I can't bare to be around you anymore.  Then you would say, "Fine, I'll leave because it's always my fault.  You're never to blame for anything."  And I would say, "Yeah, you're right.  I'm always right!!"  These types of fight don't happen often--I can probably count on one hand how many times they've happened, but they do happen--It's a part of being married, I suppose.)

P.S. I know that maybe the doctor might still have missed the DVT and potential PE, but at least it would have eased my conscious that you thought of me and tried everything you could to stay alive for me.  But, I don't have that, do I?! 

P.S.S.  My therapist thinks I'm mad and angry because everything is final surrounding your death now, and the door that you're gone is finally nailed shut and I can't even open it anymore.  So, the only option I have now is to open the door where I accept that you're never coming home again.  But I'm not ready and I can't stay in the middle room anymore since everything is final regarding your death.  Whereas before, I can just sit around and wait in the middle room since there were so many things still open and pending about your death.  But now it's not, and I have to move on, but I don't want to.  However, I, on the other hand, feel like I've re-opened that once closed door, and I walked right back into the middle of grief like it was day 1, but even worse, I picked the scab that covered the wound and stated pouring salt on it.    

P.S.S.S.  Yup, it's quite obvious now that you're far from perfect!  But I still want you back!  Even after this big fight we just got into, all I want is to have you back.  I was telling someone, the other day, that I feel like I have a blank canvas, that I can do and be whatever I want, like I'm 20-something again.  But all I really want is to have you back.  To have our life back.  No amount of limitless possibilities or hopes or dreams can ever take the place or fill the void of what we had and the life we built together.