I made it safely to Shanghai! Ate my routine welcome meal via room service (either Hainan chicken and rice or braised noodle soup, and yesterday was braised noodle soup!!) and then passed out. Been awake for a few hours now and I can already feel that this trip is different than the other times I’ve come to China since you passed. The other trips were always my normal China routine when you were still alive; I come to China for work and then I go home. This time, I know that I’m not going home right away and taking some time off to go to Japan. I woke up missing the babies and the house terribly and was in tears. Knowing that this is yet another step towards a new world order where you are not here. I feel like I’m straddling two worlds right now, one where I can’t seem to let go of you and our old life, and the other is me consciously pushing myself to step out of my “comfort zone” and to start accepting that you’re never coming home and I have to start figuring out who I am and how I want to live this life without you.
Being that we’re two completely independent people, we’ve always tried to keep that delicate balance between “self” and “togetherness,” so I’m a little surprised at how I feel like I have no clue who I am since you passed. I didn’t even realize how my identity and perception of self has become so wrapped up with yours. It’s funny how we live life thinking we live our life one way, but only to find out we were completely wrong. Ever since you passed, I’ve questioned everything about myself and who I am. My confidence has shattered and I’m always scared of doing anything new or different from our old life (and you know I never had a problem with any of these these things when you were alive). I have to consciously remind myself that I can’t let fear be my boundary and force myself to do a lot of things to just keep living and moving on a daily basis, even if they are outside of “my comfort zone.” I struggle with being proud of myself for being able push myself to continue living life fully and constantly working on my pain and grief while being sad and upset and angry at you for even having to do any of this at all. I’m constantly a mixed bag of emotions, and I have no idea how I’m feel since I feel it all and most of the time all at the same time. How can one person feel happiness and joy while also being so sad and angry all at the same time? It’s a wonder I haven’t gone crazy or psychotic yet (maybe I have, and I just don’t know it!!) I guess I know why Sheryl Sandberg said in her Option B book, never ask a widow or someone suffering loss “how are you?,” instead ask “how are you today?” Because we never know how we are feeling from day to day (or in my case, from minute to minute). Just the other day, I was getting ready for work and was brushing my teeth and for no apparent reason I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I had no clue why I was crying and why it wouldn’t stop either! But I guess that’s just how my life is going to be for a while (or maybe forever from reading the widow(er) blogs and online support group from others who are still going through these emotions even 6 - 10 years after their spouse passed -- I guess this is what my therapist kept trying to get through my thick skull early in the process that the pain never goes away, it’s just pain management from now on).
All I know right now is that I don’t know what I am ready for or how I will feel from one day to the next, but all I know is that I can no longer live within “my comfort zone” anymore, even if I’m still not ready to let you go or say goodbye yet. I guess it’s time to start getting comfortable with living in the “grey area” as my therapist likes to call it where nothing is black and white or cut and dry and emotions are messy and doesn’t fit into nice, neat boxes that is labeled and organized. OMG - Konmari would probably go completely ape shit in this untidy and unorganized world that I'm currently living in!!
I’ve been thinking a lot about how my life should look without you in it...and how I want to continue having a relationship with you now that you are gone. My therapist seems to think that I would never NOT have a relationship with you even though you are not here physically. She said, “I know that whomever comes into your life, even 20 years from now, they will know who Sean is and how he impacted your life.” This really made me cry when she said it a couple of months ago, because I know it's so true. How can I ever forget you or not hold you dear and close to my heart for the rest of my life. I just have to figure out what our relationship will look like now that you are not here. I’ve also starting reading articles, blogs, and books about other widow(er)’s experiences. It’s been helping me realize that what I’m going through is “normal” for my circumstance and that all the longing, pain, grief, questions, and heartache are shared experiences with other widow(er)s (honestly, I don’t know if knowing any of these things actually helps my grief process or not, but it’s what I’ve been focused on recently).
I know there are a lot of things I should be doing (and I know you’ve been giving me all the signs to know that I’m ready to start doing some of these things, even though I’ve been resisting, I want to let you know that I hear you, but I’m just not ready or haven’t found the courage to do anything yet, like going through your stuff and start figuring out what to do with them. Somehow, I can’t look at them but I can’t even fathom getting rid of anything either. It’s like the elephant in the room that I can’t look at but can’t bear to be without either. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m imprisoned in our life. I know I can’t live like this forever, but at the same time, I have no clue how to change it nor do I want to either. I just feel stuck and imprisoned in the middle room with no key to unlock the door to the other side. I know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t know how to get out of the darkness or the mere thought of turning on the light freaks me out too much. I rather live in the darkness where it’s comfortable, safe, and known.
Anyways, babe! I’ll be going to Shanghai on Saturday for work, and I decided to also take a little vacation afterwards to meet up with SC in Japan. I was scared and hesitant at first to go to Japan (not sure why, but I wasn’t sure if I could do it or not). At first I didn’t think I could do it, so I just booked my trip to China. But, I found the courage to say, “I can do this!” So, I changed my airline ticket and decided to go to Japan for a week. I think I was scared because this will be the first big trip I take without you in my new normal. I know I’ve gone to China and Hong Kong a bunch of time since you passed, but these were work trips and they’re part of our old routine so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to travel for work; it's actually normal so it didn't feel odd or different. Somehow, I got so bold that I even thought I could do a trek in Bhutan for my 40th birthday by myself, but alas you have set me straight and made me realize today, that I’m CRAZY! I'm no where near ready for such a big step and / or transformative experience, especially when I can’t even change the light bulb and / or smoke detector battery by myself; let alone look at your things and start figuring out what to do with them. I think I would have to at least be able to do some of these things by myself first before I can dare take such a big leap into my new normal.
I love you so much Babe! You are my heart and soul. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. I want you back so badly. I miss you beyond words.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live in the darkness for longer, right?!
P.S. Probate went a lot smoother than I had expected. It was pre-approved before I even arrived at the court. I got a call from SL that we are all done and all I needed to do was pick up the court order and letters of testamentary. So, now I'm officially the administrator on your estate!! Your parents and brother signed a bond waiver so I can take all your asset and make a run for it without any issues!! 😂😂🤣😝
Well, two offsites done! I’ve been drinking since 11:45am yesterday!! Who knew I had it in me to do all that drinking!! It’s been a little emotional these last couple of days since this was the first time some coworkers from remote locations saw me face to face. I sat with one of the directors from our seattle office at the first offsite in Half Moon Bay, and he asked how I was doing and we chatted a bit about you and next thing I know, I was in tears and couldn’t stop crying. This is the main reason I refrain from talking about my grief at work!! It was a little bittersweet to be in Half Moon Bay since we used to go there for lunch and to ride our bikes from time to time. I think one of our last bike rides and lunch excursions together was at Half Moon Bay. I remember you made a sharp turn at the last minute on a path by the beach and since I wasn’t prepared to make the turn, I didn’t cut the corner all the way and ended up hitting a bush next to the post you were trying to avoid and ended up falling off the bike. The bush and grass ended up breaking my fall so it didn’t hurt and we both just laughed as I was laying on the grass as onlookers kept asking if I was okay. You would yell back, “She’s alright!!” During that ride, we also got lost in the woods since we took a wrong turn coming back, and we ended up on a path that had a lot of loose gravel where we stopped to find our bearings. Then you decided we needed to turn around, but when I went to turn the bike around, I ended up skidding on the loose gravel and completely ate it to the point I took a chunk of skin off my hands and I was bleeding. I was also all tangled up in my bike and couldn’t get up and was yelling in pain. You walked over, picked me and the bike up and said, “SY, you’re fine! Stop acting like a baby! Get on your bike and let’s go!” I protested that I was in a lot of pain and needed some time to “collect” myself, but you didn’t care, you said you were leaving and I better keep up!! That’s usually how you do me, no pity or sympathy!! Pain or no pain, I just had to keep going and keep up. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing since you passed. Pain or no pain, I just have to keep moving and keep going because you wouldn’t be okay with anything less than that. Most days I do just keep going and moving because that’s all I really can do, but there are always days that are harder than others, and today is one of those days.
I miss you a lot whenever I read an article or something happens and I realize I have nobody to share it with. I have nobody to send the funny or interesting or absurd article or photo or video I’m reading or looking at or watching to. Nobody to share the stories from my day with. Nobody to talk to when I’m home. Nobody to go watch a movie with whenever there’s a movie I want to see. Nobody to go bike riding with or drive with to Sonoma or Half Moon Bay for a spontaneous lunch or to laugh at me whenever I do or say anything silly or absurd. Remember how you would always call your mom to tell her whatever absurd thing I would say or whenever I mispronounce a word so badly that you felt compelled to call your mom so you could make laugh and make fun of me!! I miss your boisterous laughter, your smile, the looks you give me whenever I’m up to no good or whenever you’re making fun of me, and the way you look at me whenever I annoy you-- where you don’t know if you want to kill me or hug me. I miss almost everything about you; even all the annoying things you used to do like leaving your shoes all over the house and I end up tripping all over them or leaving your receipts all over the dining table and refusing to let me throw anything away just in case you decide to return something (which you never did BTW!!). A long time ago, I remember reading an article about a widow who talked about how couples argue about stupid little things like leaving clothes on the floors or leaving dishes in the sink, etc. and she said after her husband died, she realize they were were all stupid little arguments that just cause unneeded grievances in a relationship, which she didn’t understand until her husband died. I remember reading that article and thinking to myself, “There’s no way I would be okay with letting you get away with all the things you do that annoy me. Even if they seemed like the small things in life. I felt like I deserve to live in a house that was uncluttered by your shoes, receipts and paperwork, new cloth tags that you like you pull off and just leave all over the house, and bottle caps you like to leave on the countertop, so I always nagged you about these things and other insignificant things. But now I guess you can say I understand what the widow in the article was trying to convey--don’t sweat the small stuff. I didn’t get it earlier, but I do now.
After today’s offsite, I shared a ride back to the hotel with a coworker (from our Seattle office as well), and we were just chit chatting and as we got close to the hotel, he boldly asked, “When are you going to start dating again?!” I said, “Did you just ask me when I’m going to date again?” (Kinda shocked anyone would ask me that so frankly!! And no, he wasn’t asking for himself -- he’s married with kids and was just talking about going to visit his in-laws in Singapore) I said half sarcastically, half jokingly, “Why?! Do you know someone that would be a good ‘fit’ for me?!” He said, “No, I just can’t imagine it being hard with your personality.” I started to cry and said, “I still wear my wedding ring and live like I’m still married. So, what’s hard is realizing I’m single now.” He apologized for upsetting me and just in time to arrive at the hotel before any awkwardness could occur.
Sometimes being a highly functioning widow has its consequences. I don’t think people at work realize that the pain and grief is the same as day 1 as it is 7 ½ months later, but I’m just better at managing and controlling the pain. I think my coworkers take my ability to function and act seemingly “normal” as a gauge of me being “okay” and “doing better.” I don’t think people understand that there is no “better” or “normal” for me; it’s just pain management now. I don't think anybody can say they will ever be okay or normal again after going through what I've gone through. The pain and trauma will never go away. There are days, I just look at your photo and imagine what my life would be like if you were still here with me. Even now, there are certain days where I still can't believe you are not here with me anymore. It's almost unimaginable.
During the first month or so after you passed, my therapist asked me, “Why does it bother you when certain people say something and not when others say the same thing?” I never really understood it either; how I could get upset with one person and not the other when they’re saying the same things to me. But, I think I finally figured it out. It all boils down to how they perceive and see me. If someone sees a person when they look at me and treats me like I person, then I’m more accepting of what they say to me, but if all they can see is the scarlet letter W etched on my chest when they look at me and try to handle me with kit gloves or walk on eggshells around me, then I have no tolerance for anything that comes out of their mouth. I know there is nothing normal about me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be treated like a normal person. I’m still interested in what’s going on with your life and what drama or dilemmas you have and juicy gossip you have to share. I’m still a person who can look beyond myself and focus on other things that just my grief. I hate it when people feel like they need to act a certain way around me or watch what they say when I’m around just in case I might break down and fall apart. So, what the F*** if I do break down and fall apart, that’s okay also! I shouldn’t have to pretend I’m okay to make anyone feel better or comfortable to be around me, and I can still laugh, joke around, and have a good time even though my husband died. I think I’m allowed!
P.S. Wish me luck, tomorrow is your probate hearing - bright and early!! My lawyer, our good friend SL, said, "I'm sure I don't have to say this, but dress professionally!!" I responded with, "I was thinking about whether I had to dress professionally or not since I own nothing professional in my closet!" I guess this is definitely the situation when a t-shirt and jeans will NOT suffice!! I better start digging deep in my closet to see if I can find anything that is "professional" enough for probate court!!
I had a dream about you - but for the life of me I have no recollection of the dream except that you were in my dreams. I feel like this alternate universe I’ve been living in for the last few months, where you’re on a business trip, is starting to crumble and fall around me, and I’m on the brink of a panic attack, but I just don’t know it yet. I started telling people (like coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, etc.) that you died who still might not know. It’s like I’m slowly starting to come to terms and grips with the harsh fact and reality that I’m a young widow. You died, you’re not on business trip, and you’re never coming home again. This is my reality now. This is my life. This is my story. This is my truth. I can no longer be afraid of it. I can no longer let it hold be captive or enslave me. I can no longer let it be the boundary of my fear. I have to accept it. I have to own it.
One of our neighbors sent an email to the neighborhood email group looking for someone to help sew aprons for an art class she teaches to mentally disabled adults, so I volunteered to sew her 20 aprons (I know, I have no clue how I get myself into these types of things!!). We met a few times since June to discuss the design, the materials she needed to purchase, etc. Everytime she comes over, it’s usually after 7pm, the house is always dark on the inside, and I’m always alone. Finally, when she came to pick up some of the finished aprons this week, I had the guts to tell her that I’m a widow and my husband passed away, and said, “I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I’m always talking about my husband and he’s never home.” She just said, she didn’t think much of it but did wonder who drove all the cars out front since they look like they’ve never been moved?! I also told a few coworkers who I wasn’t sure if they knew or not, and a few other random people. I think I’ve told more people in this last week then the number put together in the last 7 months. I finally feel like I’m strong and confident enough to my husband died without falling into pieces. I guess I just want to make sure everybody is on the same level, playing field, you know what I mean?! It’s to ensure I don’t have to hear things like, “Have a good weekend and enjoy your beautiful family!” from people who don’t know that you died and I’m a widow living alone in an empty house by myself with 2 dogs and 3 cats.
I feel like I’ve done a lot of “growth” in the last few weeks. Even though I wanted to be grief-free and put all my pain and grief inside a shoebox and hide it on the top shelf of our closet for all of August, it has resurfaced, but in a different way. Not where I’m sad because you are gone. It’s come back in a way where I know there’s only one truth that’s staring me in the face, even if I’m not ready to accept it yet. There’s only one door I can walk through. There’s no breech in the universe to get back to Earth 1. This alternate universe I’ve been living in while I’m waiting to figure out how to get back to you is the only real universe that exists. Earth 1 doesn’t exist anymore. I can’t keep looking backwards anymore. I can’t live in the dream anymore. This harsh reality has hit me like a tsunami; making me realize that I will never wake up from this nightmare. This nightmare is actually my life and my new reality, whether I like it or not. It’s forcing me to look at all the things I’ve overlooked since you passed away. My bed will always remain half empty, your dirty laundry will always lay unwashed on the floor in the corner of our room, and your closet full of clothes and shoes, your utility room full of tools and “miscellaneous stuff”, and your man room full of your “toys and hobbies” will always remain untouched now. Before, I would look pass these things and pretend that I don’t know there’s anything wrong with the picture (almost like they’re the elephants in the room that I’m ignoring), but now all I do is stare at them and want to scream in pain and frustration. “Why me?! What the F*CK did I do to deserve this S*ITTY A$$ LIFE!!”
The emptiness and loneliness has set in and is hitting me like a ton of bricks, and I’m either angry or at odds with myself. I live in house with all of your stuff as if you’re still living here, and at times that gives me comfort while other times I just want to scream and throw everything you own away. But no matter how loud I scream, I can never find the strength or courage to do anything but let them be as they are - untouched.
It’s like when we get into a really bad argument, and I tell you to get out of the house and just leave! But when you get ready to leave, I scream, “No, don’t go!!” So, this is where we are right now, I’m mad at you and I want you to just leave, but when you’re about to leave, I’m crying and screaming, “Don’t go, Babe!! Don’t leave me!! I’m sorry for yelling at you. I love you so much!! Come back to me!!”
I think the hardest thing about being a widow is the evening time when I’m home all by myself. I call it the bewitching hours - anything can happen. I can be perfectly fine and then not at the drop of a dime. I think today, loneliness crept in and reminded me I was a widow and not a spouse waiting for her husband to come home from a business trip. This realization really does something to me. It’s like a reality I can’t seem to grasp at times. I look at your side of the bed and ask myself, when will I be able to not look at it without feeling a sadness that makes my heart ache and break at the same time. Most days I feel like I’m just living our life waiting for you to come home. Even though I know you’re never coming home and it’s not like I’m waiting for you to come home or anything, but the thought that you are just away and will be home soon is what keeps me going most days. I feel like I’ve made some significant strides, but then there are days like today where the pain cuts deep like it did the first day. I got home and just knew it was going to be a rough night. I felt the depression and darkness starting to set in, and I tried to shake it, but honestly, there’s really nothing I can do to shake it. It usually comes in waves and hits me like a ton of bricks. So, there’s really nothing to do but let the pain in and feel it. All I can do is close my eyes, and subject myself to the darkness, the loneliness, and the emptiness.
Hi Babe -
I miss you so much, more than words can even begin to describe. VL has been visiting the last couple of days. We hung out, went shopping, ate at our (mine and your) favorite Mongolian hot pot place, did a Korean spa treatment that left our skin feeling silky smooth (if you were here, I would have asked you to touch my skin every 15 mins and ask, “Isn’t it hella smooth babe?!” 😂😂, and we also went out and partied like we were in our 20’s. We wanted to relive the heydays of our 20’s. We weren’t sure if we were going to hold up or not considering we were ready to go home at 9pm when we we wrapping up dinner, but we did it!! We stuck to the plan and mission accomplished (but now we’re paying for it!! 😂🤣😜😝 still laying in bed all morning and afternoon).
This has been an emotional week. The question, “How are you coping?!” really struck a chord with me. It challenged me to self-reflect and look deep within to figure this out. I knew I was emotionally shut-off, and I expected the faucet of emotions to get turned back on and rush out with a vengeance at some point in time. But instead, it turned back on with the right amount of pressure, and it felt like a cleansing, a rebirth, a quiet sense of courage and confidence to say, “I can do this!!”
When VL and I were in the Uber to go to Mua (yup, told you we were on a mission to relive our 20’s but this time with more responsibility than when we were really 20-something!!), the sun was shining brightly into the car, and it caught my attention. It was a glorious looking sun. It was shining brightly at 7:30pm, and its rays were clearly visible and piercing through a big cluster of clouds amidst the blue sky. It was amazingly beautiful, and I know it was you trying to get my attention to say, “Hi Babe. Have a great time tonight!!” Yes, I know you were also trying to tell me “It’s time Babe!! You’re ready!!”
I know Babe, I know it’s time to start letting you go and that I’m ready to open that door and start walking through it to a new world where you will never ever come home. But really Babe, did you really have to make it that obvious?! Having the rod on your side of the closet collapse and all your clothes falling off really wasn’t necessary, okay!! But I got your message loud and clear!!
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what my revelation was on how am I my coping. I discovered that my coping strategy to survive this grief journey is to wake up and chose to live life to its fullest potential everyday because it would break your heart if I got lost in the void and couldn’t find joy and happiness in my life again.
I love you so much Babe!! Thank you for always keeping me centered when the storm is raging around me and for being my north star to always guide me home when I’m lost.
Well, a warrior doesn’t give up when things don’t go her way. She finds the quiet courage to persist and try it again tomorrow. So, that’s what I did. Today’s flan’s redo was a complete success.
Yesterday’s events and meltdown made me realize that sometimes you need to break before you can figure out what is wrong. I guess after dealing with my family and all the craziness and drama for three full weeks, feeling like I was reliving the first month of your death when I saw extended family for the first time since you passed, and people trying to tell me what I should do and how to live my life while watching my grandma die became too much to handle, so I shut down. It was my coping mechanism to get through that experience and I told myself that avoidance was the best coping strategy for this part of my grief journey, but I may have to re-evaluate. I don’t think I can control or stop the grief from coming but what I realized after yesterday’s event is that even if I have a meltdown and I succumb to grief, I will get through it and I can try whatever I was doing again tomorrow. And even if I don’t succeed the second or third or fourth time, it’s still okay. I can just keep trying or re-assess and re-calibrate as needed. I just have to remember, baby steps. One foot in front of the other. That’s all I have to do!!
It’s me again! I know I was supposed to take a break from grief, but I guess it’s not something I can control or manage. Today was a perfectly normal earth 2 day, I went to work and cooked dinner when I got home. I planned on making flan for work and while the flan was baking, I was going to continue making aprons for my neighbor who needed new aprons for her art students who are mentally disabled. So, that was the plan, and flan is the easiest thing to make in the whole wide world (shhhh...don’t tell anybody I said that because I want people to think I slave away in the kitchen for it!!) I was making two batches and everything was going according to the plan until I go to put the flan in the oven. That’s when everything fell apart and became an epic fail!! I had this brilliant idea to use the tray that rolls out to put the flan so it would be easy to fill the bottom tray with water for the bath the flan needs to cook in. Well between all the ceramic trays, water bath, and flan mixture, the tray gave out and collapses because of the undistributed weight. I see the tray rolling out slowly and I know what is about to happen, but instead of reacting (which would be my normal reaction in earth 1. I just stand there and stare at it rollout in slow motion while both trays with the uncooked flan mixture and their baths rolls off the tray and spills all over the oven door and kitchen floors. So I spend the next hour on my hands and knees trying to clean up the mess since it got all over the oven and was seeping into the cracks around the appliances and cabinets. I get completely frustrated with myself, and I start to break down. All I could think about was how it just felt like our life - we were the flan that was about to get baked and become something better than when they started out, but before they even had a chance, it all came crashing down and shattered all over the floor, and I’m the only one left to pick up the pieces and clean the mess up. I get completely frustrated, and I break down and start crying because it reminded me of our life, but at the same time, I also realized that if you were still alive and this happened, you would be hovering over me laughing and making fun of me while I’m on my hands and knees trying to clean up the mess (and of course you wouldn’t help me clean it up since you would say, “SY, that’s your mess. Don’t drag me down with you when I wasn’t involved in creating the mess!!” Yeah, that’s how you always do me!!) So, it was all very bittersweet - which is the story of my life. At moments of joy, all I can think about is how you’re not here to share in the joy with me. During moments of grief, sorrow, and pain, all I can think about is how I don’t have “my person” anymore and I’m all alone to deal with the pain, sorrow, and grief by myself.
The other day, a coworker asked, “How are you coping?!” Nobody has ever asked me this question before. I just kinda stared blankly and didn’t really know how to even answer that question. I have no clue how I’m coping to be honest. Sometimes, I still can’t believe that this is even my life. Most of time, you’re still on an extended business trip until it hits me that you aren’t here anymore and my heart skips a few beats. I usually try to not think that you are dead. Sometimes, I can’t even remember what our life was like anymore. I can’t even remember that I used to have a husband to share this life with. Whenever I see our smiling faces in photos, it feels like a lifetime ago. Like it’s someone else’s life, and not mine. I think I’ve started blocking out our life and memories, so I can “cope” with this alternate life I live now. A life where I do the same things and routine as if you were still alive, but now I just do everything by myself. I know the therapist has wanted me to start adding new things to my routine to help transition to a life without you, but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know what that means or what it would look like. I can’t even bring myself to go through your things and start thinking about what to do with your stuff. Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and live in the dream with you forever or wake up and not have any memories of us because anything else is too unbearable.
I think I needed to take a break from grief because I didn’t want to miss you more than I already do. (well i was successful for a week - not bad, I guess. I was hoping for the entire month but I’ll take whatever I can.) Besides being angry with you for not being here to support me when my grandma passed, it also made me miss you even more. All I can think about is how much I miss you, and how I feel so completely alone. OMG, I just realize that today is your 7 month deathversary when I was trying to figure out the last time I had someone to hold me tight in an embrace and tell me they love me. That’s the one thing I’ve come to realize that I crave the most is human contact. Not just human contact with anybody, but human contact with someone who knows your soul inside and out; someone who knows you better than you know yourself; someone who can finish your sentence or thought without you ever uttering one word; someone who’s literally a part of your soul and being. I used to have someone to talk to all the time. Someone to give me hugs everyday. Someone to kiss me everyday. Someone to say, “I love you” to everyday. Someone to say to me “I love you too” everyday. Now, I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to hold me when I’m crying my eyes out. Nobody to tell me it’s going to be okay. Nobody to wipe away my tears. Nobody to carry me through the fire. Nobody to tame the wild horse that is me. Nobody to talk me off the ledge. All I have now is me, myself, and I - and sometimes that just isn’t enough.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.