I’m ready for my life to begin...

Hey Babe,

I went to watch a play a little while ago called “Bright Star,” and one of the song’s lyrics really spoke to me.  The song opens with these lines, “I’m ready for my life to begin. I’m ready for it all to start.” This is how I’ve been feeling for awhile now.  I feel like I’m literally at the cusp of my life beginning again. I’m standing at the threshold, looking out, and telling myself, “You’ll take that step forward when you’re ready.”  So, that’s what I’ve been doing these last few months; standing at the threshold, looking out, willing myself to be mentally and emotionally prepared for when that little voice inside says, “You’re ready!”  But, all I’ve been doing is standing at the threshold and waiting. I feel like I’ve been waiting for something to happen. I’m not sure exactly what I’m waiting for, maybe a bolt of lightning to strike me; something to make me feel like I’m ready for whatever lays ahead.  But nothing happened. No bolt of lightning, no sign, no message from the universe...nothing! Nothing at all. If anything, I’ve grown more and more frustrated with myself; with my inability to move, to take the next step forward. I feel stuck. Imprisoned. Confined by my widowhood.  I feel ready for a change but I’m still not ready to let go either. It’s like a constant tug of war raging inside of me.  
  
I’ve been trying to not make any big decisions in my life until I’m ready and better.  Ready and Better, these words seem so elusive to me. For the last six months, I feel like I’ve been waiting to be ready and better before making any big changes in my life.  But, it’s been almost 2 years since you passed and nothing has changed. I still feel unsure, scared, stuck, and unsure of where my place in the world is. I still feel like a wife without a husband.  I feel like a 20-something person stuck in a 40-something body. I still live a life so familiar and comforting but at the same time so painful and bittersweet. There are days where I want to hold you, to kiss you, and to hear your voice that it hurts so much while there are other days where I can’t even remember what it’s like to have you around, to hear your voice, or to feel your touch.  

Right now, my life feels like a coin.  It’s the same coin, but each side is so different.  Some days, I’m living our life while other days, I’m living a widow’s life.  I’ve made some changes that signifies you’re never coming home... 

• First, it started out with buying wheat bread (which you refused to eat) and the organic milk (which you hate since it would curl sometimes) then it went to eating a lot of eggs (which you abhor) and pork (which you could care less for)
• Then it progressed to take trips and vacations with family and friends (which I rarely did before since I had a permanent travel companion)
• Memorial Day weekend, I was a woman on a mission.  I don’t know what came over me, but I finally cleared out your closet.  As you know, I’ve been trying to do this since November of last year and have never been successful.  I forced myself many times but couldn’t. So, I just gave up and said, I will do it when I’m ready. I don’t know what came over me, but I woke up that morning and said to myself, “Today is the day.”  And, without hesitation or an emotional breakdown (not even a tear was shed), I cleared out your closet and put everything in boxes and stacked them to one side of the bedroom. I knew they would sit there for awhile until I was ready to donate them.  But, this was the first step, and when I was ready, I knew I would donate your things in due time. About 2.5 months later, I got a flyer from the cancer society that a truck was coming through the neighborhood to collect donations, and they were in special need of men’s clothing.  Looks like they hit the jackpot with your things!  
• My first roommate moved in in early Aug and a second roommate moved in in late Sept.  It turns out, I can live with roommates. It’s actually not as bad as I thought. I’ve been lucky to find two good roommates.  They’re not permanent, but I kind of like the temporary aspect of short-term, month-to-month leasing.  ​

These are some big changes, but I feel ready for even bigger changes in my life (even if I’m not “ready or better” because I realized, the barometer I’ve been using as a measurement for “ready and better” is to a person that probably doesn’t exist any longer and this is probably as good as it gets).  But I can’t, and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why there are some things that are easier to let go of, while other things that seems so trivial like our bedroom furniture is a struggle. Well, at least I can say I won the battle against the closet, even if it took almost a year to defeat it (it was a very formidable enemy)!!  
Some days, I feel like I’m a champion against widowhood while other days (okay, in all honesty, most days), I feel like widowhood is a gangster that busted both my kneecaps and left me crippled and in agonizing pain.  #widowhoodstruggles

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