Hey Babe -
It’s tax day and our CA state tax e-filing got rejected!! This widow can’t catch a break!! Luckily, the IRS had a computer glitch so taxes have been extended by 1 day. Hopefully, the e-filing issue gets resolved or else we’ll be mailing in our taxes this year. They already listed you as deceased on the taxes, so odd! I guess I’ll be forging your signature this year on the CA state taxes (if we have to mail in paper forms)!! You hated it when I forged your signature (I did it maybe twice, one time you caught me when you saw your signature on a form you didn’t sign!! 😬😬). You also hated it when I opened your mail (in my defense, I only opened your junk mail to make sure it’s junk before I tossed it out since you like to horde and not throw anything away)!! You must be cringing everytime I open your mail now. Each time I open anything with your name on it since you passed, I can hear you say in my head, “SY, why are you opening my mail?! Don’t you know it’s a federal offense to open someone else’s mail!!” I would respond with, “Not when it’s your wife!!” And you would say, “Even if it’s my wife, it doesn’t matter!!”
Anyways, your mom came by today to pick out some of your stuff. She took two watches (I think one was for your brother), three baseball caps (one was for Aunt MH and one was for Uncle LH), two fedoras, your Henderson jersey, your wallet, and a couple t-shirts. I also wanted to give her an early mother’s day gift, but it was damaged during shipping, so I’m waiting for the replacement. I showed her the gift and we both started getting teary-eyed, and we started chatting about you before she left. She said she was mad and had a lot of “Whys?” but she is starting to come to terms with this being your decision even though you told her you wouldn’t ride anymore. You got the motorcycle after your step-mom passed. I knew you needed it as part of your grief process, you were going through something, and I didn’t have the heart to say no. I knew you were in a lot pain, and you were struggling with the grief process after she passed. You didn’t share a lot of that pain or sorrow with me, but it was haunting and tormenting you. You weren’t yourself anymore, even my family noticed it. They were worried for you, and so was I, but I didn’t know how to help you. I knew nothing about grief at that time. I didn’t know how hard and dark it could be. How debilitating and powerless it could be. How it can consume and imprison you. How alone and empty you could feel. I didn’t know. So, I said yes to the motorcycle, but you made me promise to not tell your mom, so I didn’t. (Maybe I should have, maybe things would have been different! Yes, there’s a lot of ‘maybes.’ Just like your mom, she has a lot of ‘whys”, I have a lot of ‘maybes’.)
I also dropped off food for Aunt VH today. Usually you’re the delivery boy, but since you aren’t here anymore, I delivered the home cooked meals myself. She never once talked about her widowhood experience with me when you were alive, but this time she opened up to me about it. She told me that it took her two years to really come to terms with Uncle AJ passing and to really accept that he was gone. (So, it looks like I have another 1 ¾ years to go; I guess I'll be squatting at the fork in the road for awhile longer! Well, at least I'll be comfortable in the airstream.) She said his death affected her a lot, and you know she’s seen a lot of death in her 91 years. She’s your only surviving relative in that age group. She also told me how much she misses you, but know that she will see you again in Paradise. Then she asked if I wanted to study the “Truth,” so I could see you again when Paradise comes. She said, “Sean would be so surprised to see you again and to learn you’ve become a Christian!” I laughed and said, “He’d probably die again if he ever finds out I’ve become a Christian!” I remember when your dad’s side of family gave their ‘seal of approval’ after meeting me, you said, “Wait until they find out you’re a pagan! They won’t like you anymore!!” And, there was even one time when your father asked me to help resolve an issue he had with an app on his phone. When you found out it was an issue with a Bible app, you said, “Dad, you better be careful, your phone might go up in flames with that heathen touching the Bible!” And, whenever your dad asked me to go to Church with him, you would say, “Dad, that Church would go up in flames if she ever walked through the doors!” So, I guess if you were here, you’d tell Aunt VH, “Aunt VH, that Kingdom Hall would go up in flames if she ever walked through the doors!!” 😂😝😆 Anyways, I didn’t have the heart to tell your 91 year old aunt that you probably wouldn’t be in Paradise either!! I mean, you didn’t study the “Truth.” You don’t believe that Jehovah is your savior or any God for that matter. (I know your dad’s side of the family is probably cringing when they read this! -- Gosh, maybe I will fall from their graces now!!) I don’t think being baptized twice really counts if you didn’t put in the work. I can’t believe you were baptized twice; they probably wanted to make sure the devil and sin living inside of you was really eradicated and once wasn’t enough!! 😂
Anyways, Babe, I’m getting sleepy! Yeah, I know I need to lay off the Nyquil, but I’m still a little under the weather and need it to sleep through the night! I tried not taking any last night, but I was a little restless and didn’t sleep well. I promise to stop next week. Every time I take a dosage, I keep hearing you say, “SY, stop taking Nyquil, you aren’t sick anymore!” But you know how it is, I need it to help me sleep for a little while longer when I’m just getting over a cold.
P.S. I picked up your death certificate with cause of death today. With all the amendments, it's 3 pages long now!! Only you would have a 3-page death certificate!!
P.S.S. On Timeless, Wyatt and Lucy finally hook-up but in the next episode, his dead wife is alive (of course something like this would happen in a time travel show!!). Now Wyatt is conflicted and they're in a love triangle! I feel like this is something you would do to me!! Make me go through hell and back to mourn and grieve you, but when I finally come to terms with it all and find love and happiness again, there will be a time machine that brings you back to life and I would be conflicted and have to choose. I can totally see you doing that!! You'd find it freakin' hilarious, wouldn't you?!
P.S.S.S. So, your mom and I tried to figure out the six-digit passcode on your iphone. We weren't very successful, why don't you tell me what it is in my dream, so I can unlock your phone! Want to see if there's any photos or anything that should be salvaged before wiping it clean for your dad!!
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.