I’m just exhausted; exhausted from the pain, the roller coaster of emotions, the sadness, and the emptiness. All these things are just too exhausting and I just want them to stop, so I decided to get back into the swing things. I went back to work and slowly started to “re-integrate” myself into the world. But I’ve come to realize that “re-integrating” myself into the world is just as exhausting, if not more taxing than laying in bed and crying my eyes out, since doing “normal” things when nothing is “normal” just feels strange and bizarre; making me feel very blah (like I feel nothing, just devoid of any feelings or emotions); not even empty, just void and nothing. I can’t decide which is worse, being sad and in pain or devoid of all emotions and feelings. At least if I’m sad and crying, I’m feeling some sort of emotion. Blah is just that - BLAH!! I feel nothing; not even emptiness--just nothingness. I just want it all to stop; the pain, the sadness, the grief, the emptiness, the blah-ness--all of it. I wish I can just take it all and stuff it inside a box, throw it as far away from me as possible, and never have to deal with it ever again.
I still don’t even know which box I’m supposed to check on forms; am I “single” or am I “married”? Do they even have a box for “widow” (I don’t even know; I’ve never paid attention)? The day of your memorial service, our homeowners insurance called to let me know they are canceling our policy because our roof is flat! Of all days too, as I was getting ready (physically, emotionally, and mentally) to go to your memorial service. They would win the worse timing award of all time in my books. And, you would think “Is your roof flat?” would be in the top ten questions to ask if it’s a canceable offense. I mean, how hard is it to say, “Is your roof flat? We don’t provide coverage if it is.” So, after your service, I had to take care of that debacle and get a new quote. I ended up reaching out to our old insurance lady that did our old house since it was nothing I wanted to expense too much energy on. When she sent me the quote, it had your name on it. I had to tell her you passed away two weeks ago. So, she expressed her condolences and sent a revised quote without your name on it but she also changed my marital status to “single,” which bothered me. So, I called her again and said, “I’m technically married but my husband died. I don’t think that makes me single?!” She said she would talk to the insurance company and let them know the situation but it’s unlikely that they would let her change the marital status to “married” since I don’t have a name to list for my husband anymore. I said okay and we never discussed it again. Today, she sent me the finalized application to sign, and I noticed that it still said “single” under marital status so I called her again to ask about it. She said, “the insurance company considers you single since you’re not married anymore after your my husband dies.” (So, essentially, insurance companies don’t have a widow’s box that I can check and obviously has never lost a spouse that they would be that insensitive to not consider having a widow’s box since it’s not like I chose to be “single” again). I said, “Okay, I see where they are coming from but I don’t agree with that on a philosophical level.” She said she understands where I’m coming from and doesn’t disagree with me but there’s nothing she can do about the “single” status on the application. She said to consider it more like I’m a “single driver” of a multiple car policy (since I’m consolidating car insurance with the homeowners) even though it’s under marital status. Was that supposed to make me feel better? Think of myself as a “single driver” of multiple cars even though it’s under marital status and not that I’m “single” because my husband dropped dead on me spontaneously one morning for no reason. Well, I guess it wasn’t as bad as the ambulance technician who stopped me outside the hospital while I was having a mental breakdown to say, “I brought your husband to the hospital in the ambulance. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you have a better day,” as she walks away with her lunch in her hand. “I hope you have a better day!?!” Wow, if I wasn’t having a mental breakdown and could process some sort of smartass comeback, I’m sure I would have given her a piece of my mind than just a blank death stare. I think about that ambulance technician from time to time and her comment, “I hope you have a better day!” As if my days could ever be better after the love of my life drops dead for no apparent reason you dumb B**** is all I can think about when I think of her. “Can you get some training on sympathy when your line of work is to deal with people on their worst day?!” Is that too much to ask for?
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.