Chaos is raging inside of me!!

Hey Babe,

So grief without fear has been interesting.  If anything, it’s worse if you ask me! All I do is think about you -- it’s like I’m obsessed with staring at the door and thinking about how you’re not here.  Before, I was scared to look at it, so I couldn't even think about you not coming home because I would panic and feel like I was falling apart into a million pieces, so I shut it out of my mind and only thought of you as being away on a business trip.  But, now that reality has sunken in, it’s all I think about--you’re not here anymore; you're never coming home.  I’ve become obsessed with staring at the door.  I spend all day fixating on it.  I even cry when I drive to work now.  Today, I even started crying as I was walking to my car. I didn’t even make it to the car yet when tears started rolling down my face.  **SIGH** Did I tell you how much grief SUCKS and I HATE it!  Can you please make it stop?!

You know, I’m constantly looking for trends and patterns, so I can predict what’s instore for me (occupational hazard, I guess), but what I’ve come to realize these last few months is that grief has no pattern or trend.  When I think I figured it out, it constantly changes, and I have a new set of data points to plot that makes no sense. They’re all anomalies and outliers, making the histogram even more scattered and illogical.  Now that I’m thinking about it, what if anxiety Thursdays was all in my head?! I needed a pattern so bad that it became a self fulfilling prophecy, and I just didn’t know it!?! I concluded that grief has no pattern or trend.  I can’t predict what’s going to happen next (no matter how hard I try.  And trust me, I've tried!!). Even when I think I’ve reached a new milestone in this journey, I realize the next part is even worse than the last part! At least with fear as my boundary, I’m too scared to look or even go there. When you take fear away from grief, the pain has no end in sight.  It’s just deep, dark, and endless. I don’t feel like I'm drowning or being pulled underwater by a tide anymore. Instead, grief has tied a 500 pound weight to my legs and dumped me in the ocean, and I'm being dragged to the bottom. There's no use in resisting. I’m just sinking deeper and deeper to the ocean floor.

The endless pain and grief puts my thoughts and emotions on overdrive.  So many ideas and thoughts are swirling around in my head that I can’t grab on to anything; they’re all frantically dancing and swirling around at top speed.  If you were here, you would tell me, “SY, STOP! Get a hold of yourself. You’re going a mile a minute. FOCUS!!” It’s been really hard to get a hold of myself or to focus since I don’t even know how I feel anymore.  I don’t even know if I’m okay or if I’m crashing and burning. I started crying myself to sleep again, crying in the car has reached an all time high, I think of you constantly, I keep seeing myself hysterical and 'out of my mind' throughout this whole ordeal from the hospital to the memorial service to the aftermath.  I keep flashing back to my crazy lady rants at the hospital, seeing your lifeless body covered in a white sheet with just your head visible (why do they do that?!  Why is a dead body covered in a white sheet?!  What does that signify and where did it even originate from?!), the breakdown I had crossing the street to your memorial service. I think about it all. It's like I'm watching the ending of our story over and over again on repeat.  I miss and yearn for you so much now, it hurts. Before, I wouldn't even dare yearn for you because I was afraid I would die myself or breakdown into a million pieces, it was just too much to bear that I would always push the thoughts aside.  Fear helped me do that - push the grief aside. But now that I've reached a new low in the grief process, it's all I think about.  How much I want you back so badly it hurts. Now, all I think about is "WTF, he’s not coming home! WTF am I going to do now?!" Hence the constant fixation and obsession with the door and the road where you don’t exist and is never coming home. I don't even know how I'm going to feel from one minute to the next.  I can be crying and unable to control my emotions to just pulling it all together and smiling like the world is all fine and AMAZING in an instant now!! It’s like I’m Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I can cry one minute and be happy the next without any rhyme or reason.

I guess when my therapist said 'grief makes you psychotic,' she wasn’t joking!  

It’s even hard to write now when I can barely focus or keep my thoughts straight.  My thoughts and emotions are so scattered that it's hard to even try to collect them. I don't even know how I'm feeling?!  I can be fine one minute and start crying for no reason the next.  If I didn’t find the warrior instead of me, I think I would have died from anxiety from all the chaos raging inside of me. 

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