Consciousness

Hey Babe,

I’m so glad October is finally over.  Every weekend in October was a stark reminder that I’m a widow now.  October opened with RJ’s 50th birthday dinner. I knew the dinner was going to be a hard since you guys were supposed to have a big 50th party together, another plan that will go unfulfilled.  Then I went to the play in Sunnyvale and felt like I was looking at myself in the mirror when one of the actresses said, “in Eric’s memory.” It was a downward spiral after that first weekend in October.  Then your mom invited us to a sport award at your high school the next weekend where you would be honored and inducted into the hall of fame with your track team. I don’t know what came over me, but I started crying when they announced your name.   Then grief followed me to Taiwan and took away my only sanctuary and safe haven to the point where I told my boss I’m done traveling for the year and not going on the biz trip in December. Then when I got back from Taiwan, it was my 40th birthday. A milestone I always thought I would share with you.  If anyone told me a year ago that I would approach 40 as a widow, I would have laughed in their face hysterically. Never in my mind would I ever believe that I would turn 40 without you laughing at me about all my new found ailments and grey hair. Then the last weekend in October closed with my first formal event as a widow.  Our friend NB got married and you weren’t here to witness it or attend it with me. So, yeah, October was quite eventful and further solidified my status as a widow. Everyday in October, it felt like grief was trying to get me to regain consciousness and accept my new reality by slapping me in the face and scream at the top of her lungs, “Get a clue!! You’re a widow now, accept it, let go, and move on!!”

“Accept it, let go, and move on!!”  It seems so easy, right?

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