I feel like there’s so much to tell you but sometimes I just can’t seem to find the words anymore. I don’t know if I’m at a loss for words or just need some time and space to really take a step back and try to reflect and process everything that is going on in my life. I feel like I’ve been in the throes of grief, and the pain and loss has monopolized and consumed by life for the last six to seven months, but now that grief has started to subside, become more manageable, and less debilitating, I’m trying to figure out what to do next. I’m looking all around, and all I see are pieces of our life shattered around me. I’m trying to figure out where to even start picking up the pieces of our life, let alone how I will even begin putting the pieces back together. I don’t even know where to start or what to do first, so I just stand in the center of the room, frozen, staring and looking around me, scared and afraid, trying to figure out where to start, while I’m also digging deep within myself to find the mental and emotional strength, courage, and fortitude that I know I have but just can’t seem to find yet to take the first step, while also knowing deep inside my heart that even when the pieces are glued back together, it will never ever be the same nor will it ever feel “right” or “normal” ever again. Doesn’t that seem so daunting??!! That’s why I feel like standing frozen and looking around at the pieces of our life scattered all around me is a better option at this moment since I, at least, know what it looks and feels like whereas I have no clue what the pieces would look and feel like when they are glued back together, especially when the biggest piece of our life is missing and gone forever, never to return except in my dreams.
When I got back from Japan, I felt like a completely different person stepped off the plane when it landed. Before I left, I was scared and afraid to be alone, especially after my grandma passed. I felt this deep sense of longing and yearning to have my person, my life partner to help me get through the pain and grief of losing my grandma, but he was missing. I felt so scared and alone, like I was reaching around and searching for something or someone in a dark room. When I couldn’t find what I was looking for, even though I knew what I was looking for wasn’t there anymore, I still started to panic and look even harder, feeling and touching everything all around me in the dark frantically; trying to find that magic plug I can use to stick in the gaping hole in my heart, so I could feel whole again, but nothing fit; nothing felt right. Instead, I felt completely alone and incomplete, so I’m paralyzed in the dark, feeling sad, alone, scared, and frightened; unable to take a step in any direction. But, somehow, I found the courage “to push the envelope” and step outside of my comfort zone and say, “I can do this!!”, and pushed myself to go to Japan, even though I was so scared and hesitant. But, I pushed myself, I did it, and by the time the experience was over, I found that fearless girl on the other side. She was there all along, she was never lost or gone, I just needed to find her laying dormant inside of me. When I stepped on the plane, I was scared, hesitant, and unsure, but by the time I stepped off the plane, I left fear behind and found the confidence and courage to say, “I’m ready! I can do this!!” But this doesn’t mean I’ve stopped looking in the rearview mirror, if anything, I’m fixated on the rearview mirror right now. My mind may say, “Im ready!” but my heart says, “But wait, I’m not ready to let go just yet. I need more time before I can say goodbye for good!” So, here we are again--I’m glad I didn’t get rid of the airstream!!
Quote of the day:
"Courage is NOT the absence of fear, but the capacity to act despite our fears!!" ~John Mc Cain
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.