Eyes Wide Open
Lately, I feel like I’ve been keeping very busy as a way to distract myself from:
Ultimately, I think I truly wanted to believe that I was done grieving and getting back to the business of “living life” and being somewhat “normal” (as normal as someone in my position can be); like somehow I was back in the driver seat and in “control” of my life again; instead of feeling like I’m stuck and just drifting endlessly and aimlessly with no purpose or ambition. There are times where I surrender completely to grief and let the journey take me to where it takes me while there are other times where I resist with all my might and I refuse to go without a fight. It’s a constant battle that rages inside of me on a daily basis (if not hourly and from minute to minute). I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how hard it’s been for a control freak like myself to “let go” and “resign” myself to grief and let it be in the driver seat and control my life. Most of the time, I don’t know if I want to scream or cry out of frustration from feeling trapped and imprisoned in my own life. And as time goes on, I grow more and more impatient with myself that I’m not “better” (whatever that means) and that I’m still on this journey. I just want it to end. I just want the pain, the sadness, the grief, and the loneliness to end. I honestly don’t know how much more of it I can bear. And now that I’ve entered the “mourning” stage, the pain and emotions are even more intense and raw.
Remember what I said earlier about grief?! Grief is just something that happens to you. It’s passive. You have no control over it. You don’t know when it’s going to happen or how it will hit you. So, when you’re grieving, you’re always on the defensive. You just need to make sure you’re on guard and wearing your protective gear for when the strike occurs. All you have to do is protect and insult your heart with the strongest armor you have and brace yourself for impact whenever it happens. You can protect and force yourself to not feel the pain and / or emotion too deeply and intently. I know you probably don’t believe me when I say that, but it’s true. Whenever grief strikes, I close my eyes and look away. I let it come, do what it needs to do, and then it goes away. But, I would never look at it directly or confront it head on. So, how can you really know what’s going on or how deep your pain and grief can go if your eyes are always closed?! So, when I say I haven’t really felt the depth of my pain, I really mean it. But, now that I’ve started mourning, the pain and grief is even more raw and intense because my eyes are no longer closed. They are wide opened and I’m looking at the gaping hole and missing pieces of my life head on.
I’m no longer on the defensive. I’m no longer waiting around like a sitting duck for a surprise attack from grief. Instead, I’m on the offensive. I need to strategize and put together a plan of attack, so I can overthrow grief and regain some semblance of power and control over my life again (I know, nobody really has true and ultimate control and power over their lives, but that doesn’t mean we stopping fighting to retain power over the things we can control like our decisions and choices we make in our lives). And I've taken off all my protective gear and armor. I'm no longer scared. I'm no longer afraid. I will face my pain, grief, and loneliness head on with eyes wide open. I will let myself feel the true depth of my pain, grief, and loneliness. I will no longer fight it. I will not try to control or overpower it. I will not ignore it. I will embrace it. And when I can't do any of these things by myself, I will let you hold my hand through it.
I love you so much Babe - it's almost unbearable.
Since we’re keeping score, it’s 1-1...I’m tied with the closet now!!
P.S. I finally went a bought me a big girl ladder. Now, I have no excuses when a light bulb goes out or when a smoke detector battery needs to be replaced. And, I also told LH and YA that I don’t need their help with these kinds of household chores anymore. I’m an independent women (kinda of), hear me roar!!
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it...the score’s really 1.5-1 and I’m in the lead!!!
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.