Faking it until I make it...

Hey Babe,

I feel like I’ve grown more and more confident in my own skin lately.  I know I’ve been struggling with taking the next step in this journey where I’m supposed to pack my bags for the next part of the journey where I accept that you will never come home and I have to forge a life on my own.  I always feel like I’ve been on the threshold with one foot in and one foot out for awhile now. Not really sure which world I want to live in. But, I feel like I’m finally ready to put both feet on the other side of the threshold and take the next step forward into the unknown.  I don’t know what lays ahead of me or what my life will look like, but I’m ready to start figuring it out. I still don’t know what I want to pack and take with me yet, but you know me, I’m a very light packer, and I generally pack at the very last minute. If I forget something, then I just make do with what I have.    

I’m finally able to admit and truly believe and accept that I am broken.  I am weak. I am lost. I am alone. But, I’m no longer scared. I will not let fear be my boundary.  And, no matter what, I know with certainty that I will be okay, even if I don’t know what lies ahead of me.  I refuse to be a victim any longer. I will not let this tragedy imprison or define me anymore. I choose to be a survivor.  I choose life, even if that life is without you. I will continue to live for the both of us. I will honor your life, memory, and legacy by living the best life I can for the both of us.  I know I’ve been saying all of this for a long time now, but this is the first time I truly believe it and know that I can do this on my own. I guess before, I was just “faking it until I make it.”




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