FOREVER is a theoretical concept that doesn't really exist in reality

Hey Babe,


I’ve come to realize that the only way I’m going to survive “purging” your things is to treat it as “spring cleaning” and purge both of our things.  I will have to let go of some of my things in the process, so the whole experience can become more bearable. Every time I think about “purging” your things, I end up thinking of all the things I should get rid of myself that I no longer use / wear anymore.  I mean, who am I kidding?! When am I ever going to fit into that tube top or halter top from my college and / or graduate school days?! And come to think of it, even if I could fit into them, would I even want to wear them at my age?!  Probably not!! Nowadays, I feel like I’m showing too much skin if I’m not covering my shoulders. 😂😂 I think I have you to blame for that.  You can be quite conservative when it comes to what I wear.  You always like to pull down my shirt if it's rising a little too high or pull up my jeans when it rides a little to low, and if I'm showing a little too much skin, you would say, "Don't you want to cover up a bit?"  Because now that I'm thinking of it, I used to show more skin before I met you but somehow I don't feel comfortable anymore.  I always attributed to age, but maybe it has more to do with you than age, now that I'm thinking of it!! 🤔🤔  When I started bagging your toiletries to toss out last week, I grabbed a bunch of my toiletries that I hadn’t used in a long time to toss out also.  Somehow, it made the whole process seem more bearable and normal to think of it as I'm just tossing things we didn't use anymore; instead of thinking of it as getting rid of my dead husband's stuff, which is a vital process on the grief journey. 

***Going off on a tangent, but what I’ve come to realize after reading a lot of posts on the online widow support group is that “purging” your late spouse’s things is really hard process and a point of contention for many widow(er)s.  There are widow(er)s who still have all of their late spouse’s things years and years later, some even remarry without ever getting rid of their late spouse’s things. I know it’s been very difficult for me, and I don’t have a strong attachment to “things.”  No one would ever know that my husband died if they stepped foot into our house (unless they see your urn sitting on the end table in the living room). I feel like as a society, we’re only taught how to consume and hold onto “things,” but we’re never taught how to “let go.”   I feel like that’s why it’s so hard for people to “let go” of their late spouse’s things since it’s so hard to disconnect that the their late spouse’s things are just that -- THINGS!! By letting of their things, it doesn’t mean we’re letting go of the person. Even though I've come to this realization  I still struggle with the idea of actually getting rid of your stuff (when I say get rid, I'm not going to throw them away, I'll donate and find uses for your things, don't worry!!)  But I know for me, having your things around, gives me with a sense of comfort, "safeness", "semi-normalcy", and familiarity, even though most of the time, I ignore them.  I just like to know that they are there and taking up the space they used to take when you were here, even if I don’t necessarily like to look at them. It makes me somehow feel like I'm less of a widow, I guess is what I'm trying to say.  Somehow, if your things are still here, you might actually walk through the front door one day and return from that long business trip you've been on.  I feel as a society, we need to learn that there’s no such thing as “forever” and that “letting go” is a natural and normal part of life, and it shouldn’t be feared or kept in the dark.  We shouldn't feel the need to show the world that we are okay, even if we're not, just to make the people around us feel more comfortable to be around us widows.  We shouldn't feel the need to cry, suffer our pain, and / or endure our grief in private and / or silence.  We shouldn't feel like the world is continually watching us and trying to gauge our "wellness" based on what we do or how we act.  We shouldn't have to suffer through platitudes or stupid words of encouragement.  Why must we somehow need to feel "better" or be comforted and need to know that "we're going to be okay"?  What part of we are NEVER EVER going to be "okay" or "normal" again?! (because there are widow(er)s on the online support group that still have their "moments" and it's been double digit years since their spouse passed.  We should be allowed to feel and acknowledge our pain and grief in whatever way we feel comfortable and do whatever we need to do to heal without criticism or judgement or awkwardness from people who have no clue what we're going through.  These are things I feel like we need to learn as a society when it comes to grief and loss.***

I guess letting go of some of my things along with yours makes sense since bits and pieces of me died with you on January 7th.  So, I guess it’s only fitting that I have to also let go of pieces of myself when I’m trying to learn to let go of you. I feel like ever since you passed, I don’t know who I am anymore.  Without even realizing it, so much of who I am is tied and connected to you that I don’t even know who I am without you. I feel like since you’ve passed, I’ve been in the dark searching and searching for who I am to no avail.  I’m not quite the fiercely independent, feisty, and fiery girl before I met you, and I’m definitely not someone’s wife or life partner anymore either. I know there are still bits and pieces of both versions of my prior self in me now, but I also know that when I look in the mirror, there’s a stranger that stands before me that I’ve yet to meet and still trying to figure out and get to know.  I may not know who the stranger is that stands before me in the mirror, but all I know is that with each progressive day, she’s evolving and growing stronger and more confident in accepting her fate and “new” reality even with all the hurdles and obstacles she has to endure and overcome alone along the way. I feel like lately, you’ve been testing me to see if I can really survive this world alone without you, and most of the time, I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide in a dark corner somewhere and never come out, but I know you’re constantly pushing me to stand in the light and find the calm and center that you’ve been trying to teach and instill in me all these years to take on any challenge that gets thrown my way.  (Yes, I know at some point I have to change the lightbulbs in the house by myself...I promise I will very soon!! I guess I’m just not ready yet...but I know I will be very soon...I can feel it.)

There’s been many times where I feel like I’ve finally reach the top of this mountain that I’ve been arduously climbing since you passed, but when I finally reach the top of the mountain, I’ve come to realize that there’s more than one mountain that lays ahead of me that I need to scale.  If anything, after I successfully scale one mountain, I have to descend before I can even attempt climbing the next mountain that awaits me. I get these highs when I feel like I’ve successfully scaled a mountain and have a breakthrough, but only to get the wind knocked out of me when I realize I have to descend the current mountain before I can even prepare to climb the next mountain that awaits me, and let me tell you, the next mountain always seems taller and more perilous than the previous one.  I know, it all seems very daunting when I think about it this way, and most of the time, I’m surprise I’ve gotten as far as I have without giving up. I know there are many times when giving up seems so much easier, but I have to constantly remind myself that you would not be okay with me giving up nor would you ever want that for me or anybody else that is mourning and grieving you.

I guess I just have to accept that this journey will never really end for me.  It will be a work-in progress, a constant struggle that I will have to battle and contend with for the rest of my life, even if I find joy and love again.  Yes, I know, I really need to stop reading all the posts on the online widow support group!!  😂😂  I have to accept that there will always be a hole in my heart and the pain will never getting smaller or subside or go away, I will learn to manage the pain and to “expand” my heart over time and accept that my life will always be bittersweet from now on.  There will probably never be a day where I don’t think of you or wonder what our life would be like today.  But that's all they can ever be, a wonder or a thought, but never a reality. 

Last weekend, I went to watch Life Itself.  It was really good and brought me to tears.  I didn't really know what the movie was about but it seemed like something I wanted to watch.  The overarching theme was that life will always surprise you.  No matter how hard or difficult life gets, no one really knows what lies around the corner, so when life brings us to our knees, we have to get up and keep moving forward because if we go far enough, there will always be love.  (Interesting concept right?!  So simple yet so elegant and profound, in my opinion.)  The other recurring theme was the idea that a person’s story will continue to live on even after they are gone because their story lives on through the people they leave behind.  (Another simple yet profound idea if you ask me!!) 

I guess these are the two things I have to keep telling myself:

• your story continues to live on through me
• when life brings me to my knees and no matter the obstacles or challenges that come my way, I just have to keep on forging forward because I never know what is around the corner