Forever without you is too long.

Hey Babe,

I miss you so much it hurts!  I feel like I’m in a weird stage on this journey.  I feel like I’m standing on the road and I keep looking backwards even though I’m supposed to go forward.  All I know and want is the life I’m trying to leave behind. I’m not ready to let it go or walk away from it.  I keep looking back and asking myself, “How can this happen to us?” I struggle to make sense of it all. I struggle to find the strength to move forward when all I want to do is go backwards.  I keep focusing on everything I had but don’t anymore. I know I’m supposed to keep moving forward, but all I want to do is go back in time. I don’t want to leave this life we built behind, but how can I live a life that doesn't exist anymore?  How can I keep living a life that doesn’t make sense anymore?! When you passed, all I wanted to do was hit the rewind or fast forward button. I just wanted to be better. I didn’t want to feel the pain or deal with grief anymore. I just want it all to end, so I can move on with life.  But now I know even if I hit fast forward, nothing changes -- I’m still broken and the pain will never go away. I will never be better or okay -- I will just be this new broken person that somehow gets put back together with crazy glue and learns to continue living life with all these cracks and scars.  Somehow I’m supposed to emerge stronger but different. I will never be the fearless and fiercely independent girl you fell in love with or the SY you married. Who will emerge after the dust settles is yet to be known, but hopefully she can make it possible to live with and bear the pain and grief when she thinks of an entire lifetime without you.    

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