Gone Fishing...

Hi Babe -

I decided that I need a break from grief.  I can't deal with my life anymore.  I'm done grieving.  I'm done processing.  I'm done reflecting.  I'm done living in pain.  I'm done crying.  I'm done trying to find some sort of meaning to all of this.  Maybe there's nothing more than just this.  I wish I can say I ran out of tears, but I haven't.  I just don't want to feel anything anymore.  I'm just numb to it all.  I refuse to let myself process anything right now.  I've reached the point where the levee has broken and the water is rushing out and I can't stop it anymore.  

I'm so mad and angry with you right now.  I can't believe you left me and you're not here to support me through yet another dark period in my life.  You were supposed to be the anchor that held me steady when the storm is raging around me.  The storm that is raging around me right now is a category 5 and you're nowhere to be found.  I'm so mad that I can't even believe you didn't finish your laundry before you died.  You could have at least finished all your laundry before you decided to drop dead on me!!  It would have been one less thing for me to do and deal with after you passed. 

So, I've decided that being angry with you is very unbecoming of me so I rather just not deal with grief or pain right now.  I just need a break from everything.  So, I've decided to put all my pain and grief for you and my grandma inside of shoe box and store on the top shelf of our bedroom closet until I'm ready to pull it out  and confront it and deal with it.  As for now, it's all going into storage until I have the emotional strength or bandwidth to deal with it.  For right now, I will try to focus on living and finding who I am now without you and without my grandma.