Grief is banging on the door...

Hey Babe -

I missed you a lot this weekend.  This was the first weekend I stayed home by myself with no babysitter.  I finally felt ready to be home alone.  I will admit, I was a little nervous, but I knew I needed some “alone” time to let out the emotions that have been controlled, contained, suppressed, and compartmentalized since I started re-integrating myself to the world.  I knew with people around, it just wouldn’t get released like I needed it to.  It felt good to just let it all out--to let the emotion come and be felt whenever it came and not have to push it back.  I was definitely sadder than normal since there was nobody to distract me or occupy my time or attention, but it’s okay--this is the new normal I have to get use to.  I refused to turn anything on in the house that I wouldn’t normally have on to just distract me, so the house felt eerily quiet--almost uncomfortable.  Luckily, I had lunch plans with your mom and Aunt JJ on Sat and friends visited most of the day on Sunday, so it wasn’t like I was alone the entire time and didn’t do anything all weekend.     

Since I’ve started re-integrating myself to the world, I could tell that my pain and sadness were under wraps (I guess it’s part of being such a great compartmentalizer).   My psyche is a pro at turning my emotions on and off so I can function and be productive in the world (it’s not even something I can control or tell what to do; it's just on autopilot).  But, I know that grief has been banging on the door trying to get in and the limited periods I’ve let it in the last 3 weeks wasn’t enough.  As you know, grief is a very demanding and high-maintenance visitor, the more you try to control, contain, or suppress it, the more it pushes until the levee breaks and the effects become catastrophic and all consuming.  So, I didn’t want the levee to break--instead, I welcomed it with open arms.  I know I wouldn’t win the battle if I tried to fight it.