Groundhog Day!

Hey Babe,

I couldn’t fall asleep last night and was tossing and turning throughout the night, but I was so tired.  It was probably nerves and anxiety creeping in that starts to affect the physical body (which I don’t talk about but definitely happens a lot).  It was really hard coming home the last time, and now it will be even harder knowing what awaits me when I land on your 3rd month deathversary.

Although I felt like I was laying awake the entire night, I know I slept since I had a haunting dream about you.  I haven’t had a dream about you in a really long time. The dreams used to be very vivid and the last one I shared was when you were on the trolley, and I was waving goodbye to you and telling you I’m already home and that I love you.  I liked to call it our ‘goodbye dream.’  But a little while later I had one final dream where we were taking a yoga class together (but you never said anything and you looked sad). It wasn’t an eventful dream and nothing really to talk about, so I didn’t bother sharing it. (and how odd that you would be taking yoga with me, I don’t think you’ve ever done yoga a day in your life!!)  Since that dream, it’s been a couple of months since I had a dream about you; until today. The dream was haunting, and it freaked me out and woke me up. The gist of the dream was that you were mad at me, and I found you laying in bed with your back turned to me, sulking in the dark in our bedroom. You told me that I didn’t care about you anymore and when I asked why you thought that, you rattled off a list of reasons (probably too harsh to swallow that I blocked it out and can barely remember the conversation when I abruptly woke up).  But when you got to the end of your list, you turned around and I saw your face in the dim light. It didn’t look like you anymore, it looked like the dead people from the movie CoCo, where it was just the skeletal feature only but your skin was still on your face just sunken in and adhering to the bones only.  It scared the S*** out of me when I saw your face in the dim light, and I abruptly woke up. I’m sure the bad dream is a culmination of many things, going back home to grief, knowing that I will find out why you died, knowing that I can only logically walk down the path of acceptance, and having to wake up to your 3 month deathversary twice, China time and PST; like the Groundhog Day movie!!  Anyways babe, I can lay here and write volumes of all the fear and anxiety that I feel right now, but I might miss my flight.  So, I will leave it at that for now and start getting ready to head to the airport to face the music that awaits me. I wonder if LH is riddled with anxiety and nerves like I am that he has to deliver this news to me!!  (You know, he’s still upset that I made him call your mom to tell her I approved donating your organs on the day you passed!)

Anyways Babe, even if you don’t think I care about you anymore, I still love and miss you immensely with all my heart and soul.  You will never know the depth of my pain and sadness and longing for you--so deep, it’s too hard to even share those darkest emotions.  I will just continue to carry them secretly in my heart.