Happy Anniversary Babe!!
Happy Anniversary Babe!!! I know it’s your 5 month deathversary, but today, I rather focus on our 3rd year wedding anniversary!!! Honestly, I wasn’t sure how I was going to be today! It was a toss up, but since I had such an emotional meltdown over the weekend, today ended up being just any other day!! There’s only so many emotional meltdowns I can manage on a weekly basis, you know what I mean?! Honestly, I think it was the Type A, high-functioning widow in me that subconsciously scheduled my emotional meltdown for our anniversary over the weekend so I could get on with life and work during the week!! But I did warn my boss just in case I had a rough morning and couldn’t come into the office. He kind of looked surprised when I showed up this morning. Also, my therapist wanted me to have some people on standby just in case I needed emotional support (not just for today, but in general). Now that it’s been 5 months since you passed, most people tend to forget you aren’t here anymore as their lives start to return to normal (you know, since they don’t live with you and aren’t reminded everyday that you aren’t here anymore - it’s easy to forget!!), while I’m still trying to put the pieces of my life back together. And since I’m able to manage my pain and grief better (because you know...time heals!!!), I will appear to the outside world like I’m doing better (whether I am or not in the inside is a different story). But since I appear to be better, people will stop asking how I’m doing or trying to support me since they aren’t sure if it’s still acceptable to talk about it or not (you know, because I seem so normal now!! Why remind her that her husband died?!) So, I have a few people on standby with a code word that means I’m not okay and need emotional support, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I want to talk about my pain or grief. It just means, I need to talk to someone about anything or nothing! So, I guess the fire department got the code word on Sunday night! (Yes, of course I know better than to make LH one of those people!!! He got more important things to be on call for than his recently widowed work wife!!)
Anyways, enough about all this grief talk - I’m over grief today! It can kiss my A** for all I care today! Let’s talk about our wedding and anniversary instead!! So, it usually goes something like this...I would get a text message from you at some point in the day, “Happy Anniversary Babe!” Then I would respond, “It’s our anniversary today?!” And you would say, “Yes!!” Then I would say, “Are you sure?!” For some reason, I can never remember our wedding date! I always tell people we got married on June 6th, and you would promptly correct me, “We got married on the 7th, not the 6th!” Then I would say, “Are you sure?!” “Yes, I’m positive SY!!” Then I would go and reference something with our wedding date on it (which we have a lot of throughout the house) to make sure you are correct! Then I would come back and say, “Yeah, you’re right!” You would shake your head and say, “Of course I’m right SY!” Well, in my defense, I would also get your birthday wrong every year, so it’s not like I’m singling out our wedding date to forget! For some reason I always think your birthday is June 19th instead of June 21st! (okay, I know the reason, but nobody needs to know I get your birthday mixed up with an ex-boyfriend!!) And whenever we go to a wedding, you would always lean in and quietly say, “Our wedding was better!!” Even when we attend weddings that were 100% fancier than ours, you would still lean in and quietly say, “Our wedding wasn’t as fancy but it more authentic and real than theirs!!” I would always given you the look and say, “Babe, of course you would think our wedding is the best! I’m sure everybody thinks that about their wedding! Just like how every parent thinks their kids is the best!” Then you would say, “No SY, our wedding was the best!! That’s a fact!!”
Don’t worry Babe, I won’t tell anybody that you were groomszilla throughout the entire wedding planning process and drove me crazy. You even dictated what colors our parents should wear to our wedding by sending them swatches of the approved colors for our wedding. When my mom’s dress color wasn’t from your approved color list, you told me I had to say something to her. I said, “My parents aren’t going to match the bridal color schemes for our wedding. That’s just not something they do!! If you want my mom to buy a different color dress, then you can tell her yourself because I don’t care what color she wears!!” I guess you were smart enough to realize it was a losing battle with my parents and gave up (even my dad’s black suit wasn’t acceptable)!! But, I guess you didn’t extend the same courtesy to your mom because a little while before our wedding, I get a text from your mom apologizing that she couldn’t find a dress that strictly matched the gray you wanted her to wear. I told her, “You will have to take it up with your son because I wouldn’t care if you showed up to our wedding in a hot pink dress as long as you came!” She thanked me for understanding since you were giving her a hard time about it (somehow she thought it was me that expected her to adhere to a strict color code for our wedding!! As if she didn’t know her son!!) Oh, and don’t forget the Vera Wang suit you wore and insisted your entire bridal party to wear also (even the ring bearer!!) When you picked the suit, I said, “You’re wearing Vera Wang?! I’m not even wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress!! My wedding dress was on sale, can’t you find something more affordable?!” Nope, you and your bridal party was wearing Vera Wang and that was that! Even the guy at the suit rental place commented on how involved you were in the entire suit selection process. He said, “Wow, he’s really involved in the decisions. Most of the time, the groom just comes to get measured but it’s the bride that make all the decisions!!” I wasn’t sure if it was a compliment or if he just pitied me!! Well, I have to admit, you guys did look really good though!! Oh yeah, how can I forget, you even had a problem with the bridesmaid dresses not being the same style and the color was slightly off the approved color list!! I told you to not worry about my people. Just make sure your people show up on time and your brother wasn’t MIA on the day of the wedding!! (Except for KT, your entire wedding party is notorious for being really fashionably LATE!!)
After we got our wedding video, I would show you the video whenever you got made at me for something I did or didn’t do!! Once you finished watching the video, you would smile and say, “What a great day!!!” and you would forget you were even mad at me!!
Okay Babe, I’ll admit it - our wedding day was pretty awesome!! Why don’t you watch our wedding video again?! Maybe you will stop being mad and haunting me in my dreams!! I also added some photos also ❤️❤️❤️
I love you Babe! Happy Anniversary!! Remember who said it first this year!!
P.S. I know, I clean up nicely!! You even told me that you wished I cleaned up like that on a daily basis!! 😂😜🤣 (You're lucky I have a good sense of humor!!)
P.S.S. OMG, how did I almost forget that you told me I had to wear heals for the wedding or else you were going to walk off the stage and not marry me!! You said, "All I ask from you is that for one day in your life, you wear heels!! I don't think that is too much to ask for! And I will check also, if you're not wearing heels, I will walk off that stage and not marry you!!" 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😜 I even tried to get my podiatrist to you write you a note that said I couldn't wear heels for health reasons, but the doctor said, "I'm going to have to agree with your fiancé. You should wear heels!" Not even wedges, they had to be heels!!
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.