Hey Babe, I'm making the sky beautiful for you...

Babe -

The first couple of weeks after you passed, whenever the sun’s rays shined brightly into our house as it’s getting ready to set, it always made me stop whatever I was doing to watch the sunset.  I feel like you're trying to get my attention by saying, “Hey Babe, look at me!  Look at what I can do now!!  I can make the sky beautiful for you.”  

On the day you passed, it was a very dreary and gloomy day, but through the clouds was this amazing sunset.  The sky was covered with clouds but the sunset broke through and parts of the sky was this beautiful pink and lavender iridescent color with an orangey-red tint.  I was too hysterical to even notice how beautiful the sunset was.  I was out of my mind ranting and screaming and crying.  (Your dad called it a “mental breakdown” - so I will go with that.  I didn’t know what it was, but I was definitely out of mind.  When JO came over and saw me sitting on the floor of our bedroom hysterically crying and doing my crazy lady rants, she immediately asked, “They didn’t give you any drugs to calm you down?!” Yeah, it was pretty bad.)  I was very fortunate to have YA, LH, and JO that day - they were shift 1 of the first responders.  The hospital and coroner were calling me about organ donation and autopsy - who could mentally deal with any of those things while going through a mental breakdown?!  Definitely not I.  Between the three of them, they divided and conquered and took care of it all and also me (and whatever crazy orders I would bark out at them between my crazy lady rants like, “call his mom to tell her his organs are being donated” or “tell his family to not post anything on social media - he wouldn’t like that, he’s a very private person”.)  

At some point, from laying on our bedroom floor, I end up in the dining room - still hysterical and out of my mind.  Anytime I saw your things, I’m screaming at the top of my lungs (which was probably every minute cause you like to leave your stuff all over the place - you never put anything away like I ask you to).  I'm hysterical while sitting at the dining room table and LH tries to calm be down by distracting me from my mental breakdown and crazy lady rants by saying, “Look at that beautiful sunset S is giving us.”  I look out the window, and I see how beautiful the sky was and it calmed me down for a short period of time.  Eventually, after the sun setted, I became even more hysterical and delirious.  Who knows how I was even able to fall asleep that first night, but I knew I wanted to sleep since I knew you were going to visit me in my dreams - and you did.  That night it started to pour rain for four days straight (the same four days where I could barely leave the bedroom and talk or utter anything coherent).  It was like the sky could feel my pain and sorrow and was crying with me.  It didn’t stop raining until I was able to get out of bed and find some semblance of sanity to plan your funeral (Yes, I know you didn’t want one - but too bad, you got two instead - okay 3 if you count the viewing as a separate event!)    
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Now, every chance I get, I watch the sunset from our house because I know you’re trying to tell me, "Don't worry babe.  I'm making the sky beautiful for you so you know that I'm okay."  And on the days when it’s a spectacular sunset, I know you are just showing off and letting me know that today, you love me this much (which is where you would normally put out your hands to the widest you can spread them if you were here, standing in front of me).