Hope vs. Acceptance

Babe,

I miss you so much--it hurts.  It’s hard to believe you are not here with me anymore.  It’s been about a month and a half and it still doesn’t feel any realer today than the first day it happened.  It’s so hard to accept this is how our story ends.  There’s this song  called “Rewrite the Stars” from the Greatest Showman that I’ve been playing on repeat since I heard it.  That’s all I want to do--'rewrite the stars' so that our ending changes to where we are together until we are both old and greying.  Before we got married, I gave you a card for your birthday that has an elderly couple sitting on a bench that says, “I want to grow old with you.”  You don’t know how desperately I want that.  If I could give up everything for just one wish, that’s what I  would wish for--to grow old with you (to have another 30 or more years of us “annoying each other” as we like to call it); to be able to hold your hand and walk through the rest of my life with you--to look up at your face and see your beautiful smile and those kind eyes looking down at me.  

A part of me believes you are on a business trip and will be coming home soon while the other part of me knows you will never ever come home again and I will never ever see you again in this life.  One part is hope while the other is acceptance.  I feel like I’m at the crossroads between hope and acceptance and I have to choose which road to walk down.  I want to hold on to the hope that you will come home soon so badly it hurts but I also know the only logical option available to me is acceptance.   Although I’m not ready to give up on hope just yet, I also know I have to work towards acceptance.  

I feel like letting go of the pain and sadness is like letting go of you.  I’m not ready to let go of you or the pain and sadness yet.  Holding on to the pain and sadness makes me feel like I’m holding on to you.  But the world continues to move and I have to move with it; whether I want to or not.  I’ve been struggling with how to move on without letting go of the pain and sadness.  To get through the day, I’ve just completely shut myself off emotionally--to feel nothing (it’s a good thing I’m great at compartmentalizing).  To make each day without you more bearable.  To be able to say, “I’m doing good,” without breaking down when people ask, “How are you?”  To be able to fight back the tears when I think of you while I’m at my desk or in a meeting.  

But just know that I’m working to find the strength and courage to be the strong woman you married.  To have the strength and courage I know I have to get through this so I can break-through the pain and sadness while still holding on to you and finding the acceptance I need to be able to celebrate your life and our beautiful love story.  I know that is what you would want me to -- but for right now, I have to let grief do its thing and just move with whatever emotions (or lack thereof) that comes my way.  I love you!