How did we get here?
We used to always say to each other, “How did we get here?” And we both just laugh and have no clue how we even got to where we are. I mean in all honestly, we started out as a rebound that turned into a fling that just never ended. The beginning was very rocky and not very serious - I mean, I was living in So Cal and you were living in Nor Cal; how would it even work? We broke up a lot (and “a lot” is an understatement) but somehow we always found our way back to each other. We were both very independent and strong willed individuals that didn’t want to be held back by anyone. We also didn’t believe in any institutions (especially marriage! But then again, you did say to me in the first month of dating, “If you get diamonds in your wedding ring; I get diamonds in my wedding ring!” I should have known then that you were high maintenance, but this wasn’t supposed to go anywhere. It’s just fun!) We weren’t the committal type; we never fully fledged our love to each other. If anything, we always kept each other at arm’s length and always had one foot in the door and the other foot out. I felt the world was my oyster-- I had too many things to see and do, and I didn’t need a man for any of it and I definitely didn’t want a man to get in the way of it either. So, we had no expectations, this relationship wasn’t supposed to go anywhere. It was just fun! It’s interesting how far a relationship can go with no expectations and just having fun!
I still have no clue how we got to where we are. It always amazes me that we’ve even come this far. Like I said in our wedding vows, “Who would have guessed that we would be standing here today exchanging vows.” Definitely not me!! But the one thing that always kept me going back to you was the “fight” you had for us. I always felt you were willing to fight for us--that I was worth the fight. Everytime we broke up, you always found a way to come back to me. I’m sure as an observer looking in, our relationship was pretty psychotic. I don’t know if it was love that always brought us back together, but whatever it was, we always found our way back together. Our relationship reminds me of this quote I heard in the movie Playing by Heart. It says, “True love cannot be be found where it does not exist, nor can it be hidden from where it does.” Maybe it was true love that always brought us back together but we just didn’t know it. We were too young, dumb, and selfish at the time to really know or understand what true love was and how deep it can really go.
I always tell people that although we were together for 14 years, the first 5 years didn’t count. I only started counting when we both finally decided to go all in, which was after we broke up for a year. Out of the blue, you sent me an email to reconnect--a year later. I thought you were crazy but I could never resist you, so we started talking again. It always felt so right and comfortable with you--like I was home. I didn’t have to be anybody else but myself. After we starting talking for awhile, I had the guts to asked you why you decide to contact me after a year had passed. You said it was because you were dating a new person and she called you “babe” for the first time, and it just didn’t feel right. It only felt right coming from one person, and that person was me. Just like calling me SYC didn’t roll off your tongue right; I could never call you by your name either. It never felt right. I only know you as Babe and that’s all I’ve ever called you for the last 14 years.
Happy Valentine’s Day Babe. I love and miss you so much. (I know babe, you think Valentine’s Day is stupid, and we rarely celebrated it. You don’t believe in grand gestures of love on a single day and that it’s a hallmark holiday to make money. Instead, you always believe that we should show love in the small, everyday things we do for one another. Yup, I remember. Don’t worry!)
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.