I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. It’s been a rough few weeks and it’s been really hard to process how I’m feeling between family drama, grief, and having to relive your death like it was the first month-- my emotions are on overdrive. A ramification of seeing extended family for the first time since you passed is that everybody is rushing to offer condolences, advice, and “words of wisdom and comfort” to help console me during my new status as a widow, which feels like I’m reliving the pain and grief of losing you all over again while I’m struggling to deal with “my grandma is dying.” And it doesn’t help that I feel like I have to shut-down all emotions in order to “deal” with my family because that is the only way I know how to deal with my family. It’s a good thing I’m great at compartmentalizing, but I know at some point it will all just hit me like an avalanche. So, until then, I’ll just continue to proceed with business as usual.
Okay, so what's my point, right? I know that's what you're asking?! Anyways, so, what I’m trying to say is, I just don’t know how I’m feeling. I just feel blah! Like I have no feelings or emotions whatsoever at this moment in time. I think I’m also scared to really let myself feel the pain and grief of my grandma’s passing because there will be no one to pull me out of whatever hole or deep, dark abyss I fall into. So, instead of feeling, all I’ve been doing is moving forward. I feel like I’ve made so much progress on my grief journey since you passed, that I just can’t let myself go there again. I don’t want to go back there again. I refuse to go there again. It’s too hard and painful. I’m not sure I will be able to make it out alive this time. I don’t have a village waiting around to support me this time. I’m on my own now, so I have to pull myself together and out of whatever hole I fall into. So, it’s best to not go down any hole or deep, dark abyss. I’m already hanging on by a very thin piece of thread, I don’t think my sanity can handle anything else. I just feel so alone. You’re my rock; my north star. The person that’s supposed to get me through this (at least that was the plan), but now you aren’t here. I have no anchor to hold me steady when the storm is raging around me, and no north star to guide me home. I’m afraid if I let myself go, I will drift aimlessly and endlessly at sea, lose all my bearings, and not know how to get home. I’ll be lost at sea and nobody will even know to look for me. So, now that all I have is myself to get me through this, I’m managing the only way I know how, and that’s to just keep moving, even if at times, it feels like I’m going in circles and going nowhere.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.