Today, I’ve been cooking up a storm. Prepping dinner for the week--made me think of the time you told DT, “Didn’t you know, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?!” She responded with, “That’s why I’m still single!?! I don’t know how to cook!” I remember thinking to myself when you told her that, “I didn’t know how to cook when I first met you.” I guess it’s a good thing I learned how to cook throughout the years, maybe you might have left me already!
I went and sat in your manroom today. I just sat there and looked all around, wondering what I would do with that room now that you are gone. I went and touched the plaque on your urn where it said your name and date of birth and death. I started to cry, but I fought it off. I didn’t want you to see me like that. I know it would pain you too much to see me like that. I also went and sat in my craft room and looked at all the posters and pictures in the room. Trying to find inspiration and also wondering if I will ever find that fearless and fiercely independent girl again. I look at her in the photo, and I can barely remember her. It felt like a lifetime ago when I knew her. I can’t believe she used to live inside of me once upon a time! She was the girl that stole your heart long ago. She made you laugh with her silliness and drove you made with all her craziness. You fell in love with her strength, her courage, her independence, her confidence, and her conviction. (Okay, maybe not the conviction part! If anything, that drove you crazy!! 😆😜) Just like you, she could light up a room with her laughter and personality. Her ego and confidence might even eclipse yours--now that really got you on your toes!! It was like you had finally met your match. Even if you will never admit it, I had you at “Hello!”
Sometimes, I wonder what people thought when they saw me walking next to you. Most of the time, I’m wearing sweats and flip flops while you’re all put together from head to toe. I always like to say, “People are probably looking at us and saying, ‘How did she get him looking like that?’” At first it bothered you that I wasn’t always presentable. You would say, “Is that what you’re going to wear?” I would say, “Yeah!” Then you would say, “No, you’re not going out looking like that walking next to me. Unlike you, people know me around here.” So, I would go and change into jeans and a pair of sneakers instead of sweats and flip flops. Overtime (a very short period of time), I refused to change. I decided that this was me -- take it or leave it. So, whenever you said I should change, I would say, “No, this is how I’m going out. Take it or leave it.” You didn’t like it -- but I wouldn’t budge. You even went as far to say, “It would be a lot easier if you would just let me dress you!” I’m sure I gave you one of my death stare and probably said something snarky like, “I’m not your doll to play dress up with!” Actually, I wished I said that!! But, I think I said, “I’m not that kind of girl. If you want a girl that dressed up and wore heels and make-up, then you better find someone else because that’s not me!” You just gave me that ‘Oh gawd, here she goes on her high horse again!’ look. You would think that you would have gotten a clue after that, but nope, you didn't. You never stopped suggesting outfits and shoes that you thought would look good on me! I just learned to tune you out!
When you got your Mini (sometime last year), you started customizing it with stickers and door handles and gear knobs. Actually, you customize every single car, bike, and motorcycle you owned. The first time I got into your Mini and saw all your customization, I said to you, “Why must you customize everything you own?! Even your bicycle is customized. You can’t drive or ride anything that is stocked, can you?!” And you said, “Nope! I have to make it mine!” Then I said, “Gosh, I’m glad you never tried to customize me!” Then you said, “I tried to, but you wouldn’t let me!” I started laughing and said said, “Oh yeah, that’s right?! You wanted to dress me up back in the days!” And we both just start laughing. I guess if I let you, you would have customized and dressed me up also! I remember after we got married, you came home one day and said, “KT and I were talking about what your personalized license plate should be.” I said, “What?!” Thinking it was something good and profound. (But I should have know better! I mean, two goofballs in their late 40's who still act like they're 20-something most of the time would only come up with something as I would call it 'lame'!) Instead, you said, “He came up with Bizzle’s Lady and you should spell it BZLSLDY. But I already told him you would never get a license plate that said that!” I said, “You got that right! I’m not an object that belongs to you!” You already knew what I would say, but I think you told me anyways in hopes that maybe I might say, “Yes!” Maybe it was your last attempt to customize me via way of my car. Proclaiming to the world that I belonged to you (I guess the wedding ring wasn't enough for you!🤣😂🤣) Can you imagine me driving around in a car with a license plate that says BZLSLDY?! Yeah, once again, I’m not that kind of girl!
I may not be that fearless and fiercely independent girl anymore, but I still have bits and pieces of her in me. I just need to find her again and get reacquainted with her. Even if I never find that girl again, I’m still proud of the woman I’ve become. Loving you has made a better person. Someone I’m proud to say ‘hello’ to every morning when I look into the mirror.
P.S. I forgot to tell you that JO's mission to honor you is to make sure I'm put together. She proclaimed to the S&B (Stitch & B**** aka knitting group) girls that that's her mission in life now that you're gone. She more or less said you were the one who kept me in check (looking somewhat decent, I suppose is what she means), so now that you're not here, she needs to assume that role and honor your memory to ensure I don't 'let myself go' too much! I had to defend myself and say, "I know how to 'play dress up' if I wanted too." She agreed that I did but I didn't do it often enough! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ I mean, how else do you think I got you at "Hello!"? Everything else was what got me through the door and into your heart forever. It's a good thing you're not a superficial man!! 😂😝 (Well, I wouldn't be with you all these years anyways if you were superficial!)
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.