It’s been a month since I last heard your voice. The first thing I did when I got home after you passed was frantically look through my voicemail to see if I had any messages from you - so I wouldn’t forget your voice. No such luck in the age of texting. So I went to see what the last text you sent me was, “Super steak/carnitas no-beans, no lettuce w/sour cream.” It was what you wanted for dinner from the taco truck the Saturday before you passed. That’s the last text message you would ever send me, what you wanted for dinner from the taco truck by the first apartment we lived in together. Definitely not a person who knew it was going to be his last meal ever. I’m sure if you knew, it would be roasted crab and garlic noodles from Thanh Long or something along those lines. But I missed your voice so much, I knew I had to do the inevitable; watch our wedding video since it had a voice over of us saying our vows and your thank you speech to the guests. I cried through the whole video and kept wanting to touch your face on the screen. It brought back all the happiness we shared on our special day couped with all the sadness and pain of losing you - it was like my heart was on overdrive - not sure which emotion to feel more. I watched it the night before I started back at work - how did I even fall asleep after that emotional roller coaster, I will never know (but then again, you always said if it’s one thing I would never lose is sleep!! I definitely love my sleep!) But that night, I saw you in my dreams again (and this time you were nice and didn’t haunt me).
I dreamt you were watching TV with your uncle (it was all white walls and not our house or any house we’ve ever been at) and I come down to ask you what you are watching. When you tell me, I noticed that the lead male character wasn’t on the show anymore and asked what happened? You said, “He left the show.” I asked, “Why?” And before you could answer, the lead male character came on and he was hosting his own talk show. Then I said, “Oh, he’s hosting his own talk show?! Then he’s doing better for himself." You responded with, “Yeah, I knew you would think he was doing better for himself since he has his own show now.” But when I looked at the picture of the lead male character you gave me, it was a picture of you. Then the dream changes to us loading our car to leave; we were going on a trip with a bunch of people - people I didn’t recognize (which is definitely not our style and unlikely something we would do now that I think of it). Then I realized I had forgotten something in the house (still not our house, felt more like my parents house), so I go back in to grab the stuff but needed multiple trips to gather everything. But on the second trip, I realize that I’m already home and I toss my stuff into the room next to me. I go outside to tell you we are already home, but you had already left with all the other people in the trolley (yes, trolley - I kid you not, like the one that tourists take in SF). I yell out, “Babe, where are you?!” And then you popped out from the crowd in the trolley and look at me. You looked solemn and sad - you didn’t say anything to me. Then the lady next to you yells at me, “We can make room for you if you want to come with us.” I yell back, “It’s okay - I’m already home!” I wave at you as you drive off with all the people in the trolley and I immediately wake up.
Usually when I see you in my dreams and even though we are talking, I see you more than I hear you. But that night, all I could feel was your voice and your smile (maybe it was because I had just heard your voice from watching our wedding video). I felt your presence so much that when I woke up, I thought you were alive and that I had finally woken up from my bad dream of being trapped on earth 2. But then reality sunk in, and I realize I was still trapped on earth 2, and I start to cry because I realize that you were not here with me and that maybe you were trying to say goodbye in that dream and tell me that I had to stay here in earth 2 without you and that there was no multiverse and this is my new reality. And, with this emotional roller coaster, I got up to start my first day back at work, who knows how I even made it through my first day back at work?! Who knows - maybe I’m Wonder Woman!
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.