I know you will always carry me through, especially when I can't do it on my own...
Happy Birthday Babe! You’re officially an old man now!!!
June has been very difficult. There are many reminders that you’re not here and I’m all alone in this world. You know it’s been really rough for me, so you came to comfort me the other day. The night when EE and I got back from glamping, I felt your presence so strongly when I was going to bed. I could feel you kneeling by my bedside, and you started telling me something (but of course I can’t remember what you said). I couldn’t see you, but I could feel your presence so strongly. I knew it was your spirit visiting me. It was so strong and felt so real. You kneeled by my bedside as I was laying on my right side in bed. You looked at me and was trying to encourage and lift my spirits up; you knew I needed. Then you said “I love you very much” (I think that’s what you said, which is typically what you would say in these situations), and then you climbed into bed next to me and spooned me tightly. You held me so tight. I felt so loved and protected. It felt so real that I didn’t realize it was a dream until I abruptly woke up. I had just fallen asleep it seemed like when I had this dream.
I woke up feeling indifferent. I’ve been waiting for you to come and give me a proper goodbye. Now that it's happened, I can’t even remember what you said to me. But I guess it doesn’t matter what you said, it’s how you made me feel in the dream that mattered. It’s like what I said at your memorial service, “I promise to be strong and continue to focus on all the love and laughter we’ve shared, and on the days I can't, I will let you and our love carry me through.” I know that’s why you came to visit me. You wanted to tell me that you were here to carry me through this difficult day and all the difficult days that lay before me. You've been looking forward to this day since you were 48!! I promise to fulfill the plans you wanted for your special day. I love and miss you so much that at times, it’s almost unbearable.
P.S. I think animal grief is like human grief. It comes and goes and hits more on certain days than others. Pebbles is back to laying in our bed in the dark. She looks so sad all the time now, like her world has turned upside down. Sasha started laying in your side of the closet like she’s waiting for you to come pick her up and hold her around the house and tell her how perfect she is. Bam has started laying on the bench by the front door (EE was the one who told me he did this. She says, “He sits on that bench all day waiting for you to come home!” But then I noticed, he was doing that even when I was home. So, maybe he’s waiting for someone else to come home. Jesse is breaking all the rules and taking advantage of mommy until daddy comes home. Biscuit, well, Biscuit is Biscuit! There isn’t much else to say about her. So, we’re all waiting for you to come home babe! Don’t make us wait too long!!
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.