I miss you a lot these last few days. After your dad left, it felt like I lost you all over again since hanging out with him was like hanging out with you (except I couldn’t talk back or tell him what to do considering he’s your dad!!) It was like I was looking into a crystal ball and seeing what my future would be like if you were still here with me. A future that I took for granted since I always thought it was guaranteed. Anytime we visited a place that was retirement-worthy, I would say, “Babe, let’s retire here!” You would usually say, “No,” to all my suggestions except for Belize. That was the only destination you were open to retiring in. Most of the time when I ask you, “Let’s retire here?!” You would usually respond with, “I want to retire where I’m living now! Why do we have to go anywhere else!” I always thought we would grow old together, and I would have all the time in the world to talk you into moving somewhere tropical when we retire. It never once crossed my mind that we would never grow old together. I always planned for everything, but I never planned for this.
These last few days, I’ve been struggling with what the therapist said about being more “vulnerable.” I don’t even know what that mean? I thought I was being vulnerable?! Yes Babe, of course I googled the meaning of vulnerable. The best definition I was able to find is below from the urban dictionary:
“Someone who is completely and rawly open, unguarded with their heart, mind, and soul.”
I’ve always thought I was being vulnerable through this entire grieving process. I let myself cry when I needed to (of course never at work and usually when I’m alone in the car or at home). I took a month off work to process and reflect on my pain and grief, but after a month of laying in bed, crying, and feeling sorry for myself, I was exhausted and ready to go back to work. When I was scared to stay home alone overnight, I always made sure I had a ‘babysitter’ with me at all times (I’m sure you know, it wasn’t easy for me to admit that I was scared to be home alone, but I swallowed my pride, and I asked for help). I’ve pour my heart and soul into document my journey on the blog to help process my pain and grief while also staying connected with you and keeping our family and friends updated on my well-being. So, I don’t get what I’m missing in the vulnerability department? I think vulnerability can come in many different forms and degree--even if I’m not crying in front of people and / or sharing my deepest, darkest secrets and fears with others--it doesn't mean I’m not vulnerable. Vulnerability should also be defined as person’s ability to step outside of one’s comfort zone. (Yes, can you believe I have secrets and fears that runs deeper than what I’ve shared thus far?! There are secrets and fears that are locked so deep inside my heart that I’m too scared to unlock it.)
My therapist asked, “What happens when you stop moving?” Why would I want to stop moving?? I thought the point was to keep moving and forging forward. Yeah, so what if my emotions and feelings are shut off when I’m moving and forging forward?! What can I say?! I’m great at compartmentalizing! Anyways, nobody is willing to become a hostage without a fight, if they can help it. So, why would I stop moving and not fight the pain and grief that is constantly trying to terrorize and immobile me. If I stop moving, my pain and grief would imprison me and hold me hostage. I would be paralyzed. I wouldn’t be able to breathe or function. I would just stand still in agony as the world continues to move and pass me by. So, why would I stop moving if all I have to look forward to is imprisonment and captivity?! Why would I want to stand still and be terrorized and immobilized by the pain and grief that permeates my heart and soul? My survival depends on my ability to continue fighting and moving, even if it means I have to ignore and push the pain and grief aside to do it. Why wouldn’t I want to keep moving?? Why wouldn’t I want to keep fighting so I can survive?? Why do I need to stand still and try to find the key to unlock the deepest, darkest secrets and fears hidden inside my heart?? Do I really need to know and understand how deep the pain and grief inside my heart and soul can really go? Is it really that important?! Just the mere thought of trying to discover the pain and grief that lays deep and dormant in my heart scares the S*** out of me! So, yes, I rather just ignore the pain and grief and push it aside. Constantly thinking you are on a business trip helps me to manage and control the pain and grief. It allows me to keep moving forward and break the shackles that constantly wants to imprison and immobilize me. So Babe, just keep staying on your business trip for as long as you need.
I love and miss you immensely.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.