It's been about 3 and half week since you passed. I wake up and some days and I feel like you are just away on a business trip and should be back anytime soon, and on other days I feel completely empty and emotionless inside - just numb. On the days where I feel like nothing's wrong, I'm just going about my day like normal. But on other days where I know my life isn't "normal" anymore, the pain, loneliness, and emptiness is so raw and deep - almost unbearable and all I want to do is scream and cry out your name to come back to me - to hold me one more time and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Most days, I just feel like the world is going on as normal while mine is just standing still. Everybody is whizzing by and I feel like I'm standing still and all I want to do is hit rewind or fast forward - anywhere but here. It either never happened or I just want the pain and emptiness to end. I look around and all I see is a life that will never ever be again. Everything happened so quickly that I feel like I didn't even get a chance to reach out to try to grab it before it shattered all around me. In just 20 mins, my entire world turned upside down and I feel like i'm in some alternate universe - earth 2, just waiting to return to earth 1, where all is as it should be. Where you come home from work and try to sneak into the house and scare me while I'm cooking dinner. You either scare the shit out of me or I catch you sneaking in and say, "I see you" before you can even scare me. I miss the days when we sit and make fun of each other, laugh, and talk about our day while we are eating dinner or when we are watching TV or when you tell me to relax while I'm busy doing something around the house and / or nagging at you for something.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face smiling at me. I go to sleep every night hoping you come to visit me in my dreams. The other night I dreamt I was watching a movie where the two lead characters lost their significant other and they meet and fall in love since their past connected them. But I couldn't remember how they met so even though I was 2/3 of the way through the movie, I rewind it to start from the beginning. Then you walk in and ask me, "what are you watching?" I start telling you about the synopsis, "It's a story about a football player who loses his wife and he feels that he is being punished because he didn't help a father who was begging for his help with medical bills for his daughter who had cancer." And as I'm telling you the synopsis, you tell me that you've heard of this story and you start finishing my sentences as I'm telling you the story and then I abruptly wake up. I wake up and open my eyes and it takes me awhile to even realize I dreamt about you. When I finally realize you visited me in my dreams, it brought a smile to my face. The dream was really quick and we didn't get a lot of time together, like the first dream I had after you passed but I know you are probably trying to figure out this new super power of yours before you can visit me longer in my dreams. I'll be patient and enjoy whatever time I can spend with you in my dreams and take whatever I can get (I know, I’ve matured quite a bit since usually I would be complaining that you weren’t doing something quick enough or fast enough.)
A friend said, “The world doesn’t stop for anyone or anything, you have to choose whether or not to move forward with it.” He is right - I can't expect the world to stop for me, I just have to find my footing so I can start moving forward with the world again. I know it will take time, but I know I will get through this. I love you so much...and until I see you in my dreams again.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.