I want to live in a dream forever...

Hey Babe -

There was an earthquake today!  It was more of a jolt. The animals were funny!  They say animals can feel an earthquake before it comes!  They must be talking about most animals because our babies were just as surprised as I was.  You should have seen them! I know, they are good for nothing but snuggles, love, and trouble!  It’s like you always said, “I have to protect you and the animals!!” And there was more goats on the loose in the neighborhood!  These goats - OMG, if you were here - that’s all we would talk about!

I was watching an episode of S.W.A.T. today and one of the scene was where Deacon broke rank because he didn’t agree with Hondo’s call.  He felt that they were going to get killed following Hondo’s call and he said he wasn’t going to do that to his wife and kids, so he wasn’t going to follow the order.  When I heard that I thought about you. I thought about how he put his wife and kids first and didn’t take unnecessary risks, and I just started crying because it reminded me that my husband didn’t do that for me.  Instead, he didn’t listen to his body or his wife, even when she asked him numerous times to go to the hospital. I miss you a lot and even though I know you are gone and aren’t coming home, I still can’t believe you aren’t here and that this is my life.  That this is my story and how it ends. How I come home to a house I bought with my husband about a year ago but have been living at the house alone for over 4 months. That the last thing I said to you before you died was, “I told you to go to the hospital!” and the last thing you saw was me terrified with tears rolling down my cheeks, speechless, unable to even tell you how much I love you.  The last thing on my mind that day was I was going to come home by myself without a husband for the rest of my life. It never even crossed my mind. Even today, it still doesn’t feel real. Most days, I still feel like I’m just living in a nightmare waiting to wake up. I think that’s why I cry in the car to work now. Every morning I wake up, the nightmare becomes more real, especially when I wake up in a half empty bed, and I still haven’t figured out how to live in a dream with you forever.  

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