I'm not okay...and that's okay also!!

Hey Babe,

It’s been a few days since I wrote, I was in the OC over the weekend for Baby JAY’s 1st birthday!  Can you believe she’s 1 year old now? Doesn’t it feel like yesterday we were just celebrating her Red Egg and & Ginger Party?  It’s amazing how quickly times flies. Sometimes, it feels like life is passing us by way too quickly! It was a little difficult to be back in So Cal, mainly because grandma doesn’t know you’ve passed, so she asks about you whenever you’re not there.  I wonder at what point will I run out of excuses to tell her. Grandpa came to the party (which was at my sister’s house), which was surprising since it’s hard for him to get around nowadays. It’s almost like his health deteriorated so quickly in the last few months (it almost seems to coincide with when he found out you passed).   When he was getting ready to leave, he glanced at me with these worried and sorrowful eyes, like he could feel the pain and sorrow that lays deep and unspoken inside my heart. I know he’s probably worried about me and wondering how I will manage the rest of my life without you. How will I ever find joy and happiness without you. As you know, I’m really close to my grandpa, and he knows I’m in a lot of pain, but he doesn’t even know what to say or how to support me.  I mean, although there were many close calls, even he has never lost his spouse. I think about the look he gave me often, and it constantly brings me to tears. It’s like he knows I’m not okay, even if I don’t know it myself. His heart aches because he knows that mine is broken and shattered into a million pieces, and he doesn’t know how to take the pain away or how to help me glue the pieces back together.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that I’m not okay and there’s nothing normal about me or my life, even though that’s all I want people to think by putting up a facade that, even at times, deludes me as well.  I think my therapist has been trying to get me to understand this for a long time now, but of course, I’m not hearing her. I sit in that chair and tell her there’s nothing wrong with me, why are people treating me differently.  But, now I realize, there’s nothing normal about me, but I still want people to treat me normally. I don’t need to be handled or managed. People don’t need to walk on eggshells around me, and I definitely shouldn’t be holding anybody’s hands through my crisis.  I shouldn’t have to pretend to be okay so people don’t feel uncomfortable around me. My therapist says I’m entering the phase of the grief process where I’m paying more attention to my feelings and emotions, figuring out the type and level of support I need from the people around me, and voicing my needs and wants to the people in my life.  I guess this is the part where I'm cultivating by garden. Gosh, gardening is a lot of work, Babe!!

I love and miss you so much.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about what our life would look like if you were still alive.  How you would act or what you would say or the look you would give me at whatever moment or instance I’m in.  I never ever wanted to go there before because I knew it would be too painful, but now I know and understand that this pain will never go away (so there’s no point in trying to rush through the process, so I can get to the end of the journey where I think I will be better and okay), and it’s okay to miss, want, and yearn for you because holding back the pain and fear just makes it harder.  I have to start confronting my pain of losing you, conquering my fears of letting my heart miss and yearn for you, and finding the courage and strength to forge a life without you. I have to accept that you’re not coming home and this is a part of my story and of who I am now. I have to accept that your journey has ended while mine is still continuing and the universe has other plans for me, whether I like it or not.