In the Trenches...

Hey Babe,

It’s been a while since I last wrote to you – over a year and half almost!  Recently, I’ve started wanting to write to you again.  I guess watching To All the Boys Part 3 and the Japanese Love Letter on the same day has made me miss you a lot and want to write you again.  The themes of both movies were love letters, grief, and starting a new chapter in one’s life.  I guess those themes are very fitting for me alright!!
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You’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to?!  This last year and half have been quite eventful Babe.  We’ve lived through a year of a global pandemic (YES, you heard it right?!  A GLOBAL PANDEMIC), I barely survived Year 2 of widowhood (those widows weren’t joking when they said, “Year 2 is a lot harder than Year 1.”), and I’ve entered my third year of widowhood.  

When I started writing this blog, the goal was to say good bye to you.  I figure I would write until I was done saying good bye to you.  I know I stopped in the Fall of 2019, but that wasn’t because I was done saying good bye to you – I stopped because I was just so frustrated with myself and my life.  I felt like I wasn’t progressing or healing or getting “better.”  I just felt so stuck and trapped living in “the middle room,” waiting for an elusive catalyst to push me over the threshold into a “new” life.  But, to be honest, I never really stopped writing per se, I just didn’t publish any of it since they were incoherent scribbles and notes – ramblings of widow trying to make sense of her life; trying to mend the broken pieces of her life back together again.  As my therapist says, “There are too many moving parts and uncertainty in your life right now.  You’re retreating so you can try to figure things out and ‘re-build.’”  

So, that’s what I’ve been doing over the last year and half, I’ve retreated into a trench while the war against grief was still raging on around me (or shall I say, above me, since I am in a trench after all 🤣😂).  The bullets were still flying and the bombs were still exploding around me, but I didn’t have the strength or courage to fight a losing battle anymore.  Grief has proven to be a formidable and immoveable enemy.  I guess for self-preservation sake, my immediate “plan of attack” was to go on defensive mode as a way of surviving until I was ready to wave “the white flag.”  I’m not quite ready to wave “the white flag” just yet, but I guess I’m ready to take a sneak peek above the trenches and decide if I should wave “the white flag” or jump out of the trenches like Wonder Woman and continue fighting – even if it’s against a formidable and immoveable enemy.  I guess only time will tell.

Anyways, I’ve digressed a bit.  Back to saying good bye and love letters…what I’ve realized as I’ve entered Year 3 of widowhood…Boy, was I naïve as I embarked on my widowhood journey!  I actually thought there would come a day where I could really say good bye to you forever.  Like somehow, we would have a clean break and I could go on my merry own way and just live happily ever after without you!  See, that’s the problem with using movies and books as your frame of reference – you become delusional. 🤣😂  So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was very naïve and delusional when I called this blog “Good Bye Babe” because it really should have been called “Hey Babe” because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say good bye to you nor will I ever be able to let you go.  You reside so deeply in my heart that you’ll be etched there forever.  So, really these are love letters to you and not “Dear John” letters – even if that was the goal at the start of this journey.  That’s probably why I felt so frustrated and trapped before.  I didn’t feel like I was achieving or making any progress to my goal of saying good bye to you, so it felt like I was fighting a losing battle.  But, really, all I needed was to shift and “reframe” my thinking and goal.  What a little respite could do for the mind, body, and soul. 

I know what you’re thinking Babe, “Seriously Sun…wasn't it so obvious from the start that the blog should have been called ‘Hey Babe’ and not “Good Bye Babe’?!  At what point have you ever said ‘good bye babe’ even once in this blog?!  All you ever said was ‘Hey Babe’!!”  I’m only admitting this because you’re not here to gloat, but yes, you’re right!!      

P.S. I love you, always and forever (yes, that's the title of the third book of To All the Boys series! 🤣😂 I couldn't resist!!!)