Is it time to recalibrate?!
I can’t believe that it’s almost time for the “great purge!” EE flies in tomorrow and we have a jam packed schedule, I wonder at what point we will actually go through your things. Sometimes I wonder if I started scheduling all these activities this week to avoid having to face the music. I guess only time will tell if I can really go through with the “great purge” or not.
Last week, I felt like this sense of urgency and antsiness to kick off the “great purge” as soon as possible and let go of everything you owned, like somehow it would make me feel better and more settled in my new widowhood reality. I’ve been feeling stuck and unsettled for some time now. Previously, it was very comforting to have all your things around, even if I tended to ignore them. However, there were times where I would miss you so much, I would force myself to look at your pictures and touch your things, so I could remember and feel closer to you, even if doing so would bring me great pain and sadness. Having your things around made me feel safe and comfortable. They enabled me to continue living in a fantasy world where you were on an extended business trip and I was still someone’s wife waiting for her husband to come home. Somehow, it gave me hope that maybe you would walk through the door at any moment and say, “Hey Babe, guess what?!” (You always said I couldn’t hold water and that you didn't like to gossip!! But, you loved hearing about all the gossip, even if you pretended that you didn’t!! 😜😜😘😘) I will admit, there were times where I would stare at our front door and willed you to come home, but you never did. Just like you never woke up from the metal slab you were laying on at the hospital, even when I was profusely crying over your body and begging and pleading for you to get up so we could go home. I felt safe, happy, and content because it was a dream I never wanted to wake up from where you were very much alive, we were happily married, and we get the chance to grow old together. I mean, I was still wearing my wedding ring, talking about you in the present tense, and always referring to you as “my husband” without batting an eyelid. Everything made sense. Everything was in its place. Nothing was out of alignment. It was a facade I wanted to maintain, to live in, to continue believing in. (I mean, hello?! All of your stuff is still laying around where you left them!! So, DUH?! Of course, at some point in time, you would be coming home to use them, right?!) I guess this dream, fantasy world, facade, or whatever you want to call it worked, until it didn’t.
Recently, I started to notice this stark misalignment in my life, between the world I lived in, in my mind, and wanted so badly to hold on to with dear life versus the actual reality that I was really living in where I didn’t want to believe was real or true. I guess, at some point within the last month or so, taking off my wedding ring has had some unbeknownst adverse effects on me. Somehow, referring to you as “my husband” and speaking about you in the present tense felt odd and weird and strange whenever I glanced at my empty ring finger; like somehow I was lying to the world because I don’t have a husband anymore, and he isn’t living in the present either. (I mean, hello?! How can you still be married?! You’re husband’s dead, and you’re not even wearing a wedding ring anymore!! Right?!) So, I felt like I had to explain myself and back peddle everytime I said “my husband” since there was no longer a living husband or a wedding ring on my ring finger. It gets really exhausting trying to explain one’s widowhood status to people, and unfortunately, I still continue to do it now.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can no longer continue to straddle these two worlds anymore. I have to make a choice as to which one I want to live in. One is a lie and the other is the truth. One makes me feel safe, happy, and content; it gives me hope and allows me to sleep through the night. The other is a painful and heart wrenching nightmare that feels like my heart and soul is slowly and painstakingly being ripped from my body piece by piece until I bleed out and die myself. (I know, I’m so dramatic and this is where you say, “And the Oscar goes to SY for dramatic performance!! 😂🤣😂🤣)
I guess only time will tell which world I will choose to live in, as of right now, I’m still straddling both worlds, feeling stuck, unsettled, misaligned and unable to sleep through the night (and you know how I love my sleep. Before you died, nothing ever kept me up at nights or restless in bed - except maybe when I was working for the fruit company!). Hence, my current state of panic (as you would like to call it) that’s causing this desperate and urgent call to action to do something to “fix” the turmoil that’s boiling inside of me and is about to erupt and explode. The pressure is too much and something has to give. So, I’m hoping the “great purge” will somehow “talk me off the ledge” from this full fledge “SY panic mode” I’m currently in. Or, at the least, it will “tame the wild and crazy beast” that rages inside of me for a little bit. Yes, I know I probably sound crazy and out of my mind right now with all these uncontrolled and rampant emotions and feelings flying around inside of me, especially when I think that somehow purging your things would magically make me feel better and more settled in my new widowhood status and reality.
Trust me Babe, I’m not delusional!! I know that this pain and uneasiness and unsettledness will never end. I know that I will always and forever carry these burdens inside of me for the rest of my life. Don’t worry, I get it loud and clear!! I understand it with every fabric of my being and soul. But, I still need to try and fight!! I can’t just give in without some sort of fight!! I can’t just stand still and admit defeat!! That is just not who I am. Even if I know I will always lose in this battle, I’m still not the kind of person who will ever go down without a fight, you know that about me!! Probably all too well!!
Yes, I know I have to pace myself because this journey is a never ending marathon. But sometimes, I just want to sprint towards the finish line, even though I’ve come to learn there isn’t one; at least not one I can see thus far. The closer I think I get to the finish line, the further away it moves from me. There are times where I can almost taste the victory, but then I blink and realize it was just a mirage; a figment of my imagination from the exhaustion and delirium of being stranded in a desert without water for too long.
Well, all I can say is, “Game on!! Let the recalibration begin!!”
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.