It’s launch day!! It’s been crazy since 7:30am! I had two meetings and put out a fire before 9:30am. Usually when it’s launch time, you pick up all the slack since all I can do is work! I have no time for anything else, but not this time! The animals still needs to get fed, Sasha still needs her meds, the litter box still needs to be cleaned, I have to cook my own dinner, do my own dishes, take out the trash for trash day, etc, etc, etc. This is where the hardship of single parenthood comes to play, like how I mentioned earlier that the Mandy Moore character in This is Us had to be strong and conquer her fears overnight since she was both the mother and father now! That’s me now (I know we have no kids but 5 animals is equivalent to 1 kid in my mind)! I have to do it all at home and also juggle a launch, which is the first time in my career I’ve ever launched a new product without you by my side. It’s been bittersweet reaching a new milestone for this new product I’ve been working on for almost a year now. I usually get to tell you all about my new product on launch day, but not this time. I’m all by myself in this world now, so I better get used to reaching new milestones by myself.
The stronger I get in my new reality, the more I miss you. I hate how these two things are not an inverse relationship. It’s a constant reminder of what the therapist said, “The pain doesn’t ever get better or go away or end, you just learn to live with it. It becomes a part of who you are and your story. It never hurts less, you’re just able to manage the emotions better so it doesn’t become catastrophic and disrupts your life.” You don’t know how many times I’ve sat in that chair, stricken with fear, anxiety, and in utter emotional distress, asking her when will the pain end and when will I feel better. Her answer is always the same, “It will never end, you just learn to live with it. It just becomes a part of you and your story.” You don’t know how hopeless that makes me feel. How heart wrenching it is to know that there’s no such thing as ‘better’ in this journey. That all I have to look forward to is pain management (but there’s no meds that I can even take to help ease the pain!).
Anyways, I have to cut this short as I have to get back to work, do the dishes since the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow, and I bought a new office chair for the craft room that I want to put together tonight also. I love and miss you more than words can express.
Oh, one more thing before I leave, I got upgraded to an iPhone X, it’s pretty cool. You would like it! It’s a completely different design and user experience. I had to get training from the IT guy at work! It was like he was teaching his 60 year old grandma on how to use the phone! That’s me now, unable to keep up with technology and the kids.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.