Like I said, even when I’m not aware that it’s the 7th of any month, it usually always hits me in some way or another. Today was really hard and I thought it was due to the realization that next weekend is the beginning of the “great purge” (yup, that’s what I’m calling it). Somehow, everything felt very absolute today, and I sent your family and friends a text to let them know that it was “last call” if they wanted anything else of yours. I thought that maybe this realization was the cause of my melancholy mood today, but then I realized as I started to write tonight that today is the 10th month deathversary. So, maybe it wasn’t the “great purge” after all. **SIGH** I almost didn’t make it to the car before I started crying after work today. This was the first time I started crying as I approached my car in the parking lot. I didn’t make it to the car before tears started rolling down my cheeks.
Everything is starting to feel more final and absolute, especially since I’m almost done closing out the affairs of your estate. There’s only a few more loose ends to close out and I’ll be done with your estate. (Yup, even in affairs of death, I move quickly and efficiently. I can’t help it; it’s an occupational hazard that is hard to break!!) If I was to gauge the rest of November by how it started (like in October), I would say it’s going to be another rough one. I’ll probably experience extreme emotional highs and lows from straddling two distinctly different worlds. One where I haven’t quite grasp the fact that I’m a widow and my husband’s absence is due to death and not a business trip while the other is the stark realization that I’m settling too well into my “new normal” that being alone has become so commonplace that at times, it feel like the life we shared was the dream, a figment of my imagination, a moment in time that is so distant now that I’m not sure if it actually happened or not. It feels almost strange to say that outloud, but that’s how I’ve been feeling lately.
The other day, I woke up in tears because I realized I didn’t want to keep anything of yours that I can’t use. They are just inanimate objects that signify nothing about you or us. I have everything I want with your wedding ring and buddha around my neck and all the love and memory we shared that resides in my heart and soul. These are the only things that matter to me. Everything else is just stuff. Even if at times, these memories are starting to fade, I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter if I remember or hold on to these memories or not because they reside in me; they are the sum of who I am and who I’m becoming.
“I don’t care what happens to any of my things. I’m dead.” For some reason, these words you said to the estate planning lawyer at our initial consultation continues to play over and over again in my head when he asked you how you wanted your assets appropriated after your death. I’ve struggled with what to do with your things and what I want to hold on to and keep, but I know now that I don’t need any of it. I have everything I need and want around my neck and in my heart and soul. Apparently, you also made your wishes known when you said, “I don’t care what happens to my things. I’m dead!!”
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.