Letter #2: Feeling Lost (days after the memorial service)

Babe -
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I can’t do this--I just can’t!  It’s too hard.  I can barely function as a person.  I’m scared of everything; just the thought of going outside gives me anxiety.  Whenever it hits me that I have to fend this world alone, without you, I just freeze up and get sick to my stomach, and I feel like I’m going to explode.  I don’t know when I’m going to break down and just start crying.  I can barely breathe; I can’t even fathom being home by myself.  I miss you so much.  I just feel so empty and want this pain to stop!! I can barely stand it.  I love u so much-- I can barely believe you are not here with me.  The thought just makes me sick inside and the pain in my stomach just makes me want to burst.   I want to scream, yell, throw something but nothing comes out; only tears of pain and sadness and disbelief.  Where are you?  Come back to me.   I just want this pain to end.  How can you leave me to fend the world alone like this.  How could you do this to me?!  I just don’t get it.  I miss you so much.  I feel so alone and empty inside--numb.  I’m walking around just a shell of a person.  It occurred to me that you are now in ashes, and I’m here hurting so much without you.  It just doesn’t feel right to be living when you are not here with me.  It happened so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to try to grab it before it shattered right in front of my face.  You kept saying, “I’m going, I’m going,” and it was frightening me.  I just don’t understand how you can just wake up one morning and drop dead for no reason.  How?  I don’t get it?!  We still had so much more to do together.  2018 was supposed to be our year; our year to be better like you said.  Everything was supposed to be better.  This is a freaking nightmare that I need to wake up from.  Please, just come home to me so we can laugh and make fun of each other again.  You have all these chores that still need to be done like putting up the hooks in the closet and putting on the faces of the electrical outlet in the craft room.  Why is this happening to us.  I just don’t get what we did to deserve this?!  Why?! I just want to scream but nothing comes out.  I don’t know how I can go on without you.  You were my whole world.  We don’t deserve this.  We didn’t  even get to say goodbye.  I keep playing it over and over in my head and I just don’t get it; you didn't even get a chance to fight for your life.  You were such a gentle soul with so much heart (my sister said you looked tough on the outside but was all mush on the inside.)  How can the universe take you away from me so quickly and so suddenly and without any cause or explanation.  I didn’t believe it then, and I still don’t believe it now.  My heart is aching right now and I know I told you I would be strong but I’m just so mad; so angry that this happened to us.  We were just getting the hang of marriage.  Now when I say, “I love you, babe!”  Nobody responds to me - there’s just silence, emptiness - nothing.  I’m trying to be strong but it’s been hard.  I just feel so empty and alone--and scared.  Scared and frightened to even imagine a world where you don’t exist and we aren’t together.  It’s like my heart is being ripped from inside of me and there’s no reason to live any longer.  Sometimes, I feel like I’m just going to explode because the pain and emptiness are just too intense, how can anyone live with this much pain and anguish.  It’s just too unbearable.  We’ve always joked that we need to find some religion in our life since we were both are so scared of death that  we needed something to get us through this life without fearing death.  But now, I’m no longer scared of death because I know I get to see you again.  Or maybe we will be reborn and meet each other again in our next life.  Can you imagine us being the children of  millennials?  Oh man, that will very interesting.  Hopefully, by then, the world will learn that “new age” parenting doesn’t work and we won’t all get trophies for just participating in our next life (I know how much you hated that!! hahaha)  I love you so much babe, please come back to me! I want to see you in my dreams.  Please come back to me!!  I can’t bare this pain.  Please don’t leave me here all by myself.  I feel so alone and scared.  Scared to even take one step forward without you in my life.