Living in the darkness is my new normal!!

Hi Babe,

I’ve been thinking a lot about how my life should look without you in it...and how I want to continue having a relationship with you now that you are gone.  My therapist seems to think that I would never NOT have a relationship with you even though you are not here physically. She said, “I know that whomever comes into your life, even 20 years from now, they will know who Sean is and how he impacted your life.”  This really made me cry when she said it a couple of months ago, because I know it's so true. How can I ever forget you or not hold you dear and close to my heart for the rest of my life. I just have to figure out what our relationship will look like now that you are not here.  I’ve also starting reading articles, blogs, and books about other widow(er)’s experiences. It’s been helping me realize that what I’m going through is “normal” for my circumstance and that all the longing, pain, grief, questions, and heartache are shared experiences with other widow(er)s (honestly, I don’t know if knowing any of these things actually helps my grief process or not, but it’s what I’ve been focused on recently).   

I know there are a lot of things I should be doing (and I know you’ve been giving me all the signs to know that I’m ready to start doing some of these things, even though I’ve been resisting, I want to let you know that I hear you, but I’m just not ready or haven’t found the courage to do anything yet, like going through your stuff and start figuring out what to do with them.  Somehow, I can’t look at them but I can’t even fathom getting rid of anything either. It’s like the elephant in the room that I can’t look at but can’t bear to be without either. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m imprisoned in our life. I know I can’t live like this forever, but at the same time, I have no clue how to change it nor do I want to either. I just feel stuck and imprisoned in the middle room with no key to unlock the door to the other side.  I know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t know how to get out of the darkness or the mere thought of turning on the light freaks me out too much. I rather live in the darkness where it’s comfortable, safe, and known.

Anyways, babe! I’ll be going to Shanghai on Saturday for work, and I decided to also take a little vacation afterwards to meet up with SC in Japan.  I was scared and hesitant at first to go to Japan (not sure why, but I wasn’t sure if I could do it or not). At first I didn’t think I could do it, so I just booked my trip to China.  But, I found the courage to say, “I can do this!” So, I changed my airline ticket and decided to go to Japan for a week. I think I was scared because this will be the first big trip I take without you in my new normal.  I know I’ve gone to China and Hong Kong a bunch of time since you passed, but these were work trips and they’re part of our old routine so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to travel for work; it's actually normal so it didn't feel odd or different. Somehow, I got so bold that I even thought I could do a trek in Bhutan for my 40th birthday by myself, but alas you have set me straight and made me realize today, that I’m CRAZY!  I'm no where near ready for such a big step and / or transformative experience, especially when I can’t even change the light bulb and / or smoke detector battery by myself; let alone look at your things and start figuring out what to do with them. I think I would have to at least be able to do some of these things by myself first before I can dare take such a big leap into my new normal.

I love you so much Babe!  You are my heart and soul.  You are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed.  I want you back so badly. I miss you beyond words.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live in the darkness for longer, right?!

P.S. Probate went a lot smoother than I had expected.  It was pre-approved before I even arrived at the court.  I got a call from SL that we are all done and all I needed to do was pick up the court order and letters of testamentary.  So, now I'm officially the administrator on your estate!!  Your parents and brother signed a bond waiver so I can take all your asset and make a run for it without any issues!! 😂😂🤣😝

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