These last few weeks have been hard, even to write. My therapy homework is to start looking at the pain. I talk a lot about how I feel and my emotions, but I’m not really looking at it. I’m not looking at how it’s affecting my physical world. I continue to exist and live in this quasi-realistic life that used to have you in it. But, I’m not facing it or confronting it. It’s the elephant in the room. I know it’s there but I can’t look at it. I try to ignore it and look away when I’m passing by the elephant. I know I lost something big in my life, something major, and it’s turning my world upside down, and I’m still trying to cope with the pain and grief, but now I have to take a step back and start looking at the scar it left behind. I have to look your dirty clothes that’s been sitting in the corner of the room untouched for over 4 months. Your pillow continue to lay next to mine but hasn’t been used in over 4 months. The half empty bed that neither I nor the animals sleep on. The closet full of your clothes, shoes, accessories, and hats that’s collecting dust but I can’t seem to find the courage to clear out or do anything with. Two bathrooms full of your toiletries and razors and shavers that just lay there without a purpose. A utility room full of your tools and ‘junk’ that I don’t even know what their uses are continues to sits in disarray. It’s like I know they’re sitting there untouched and unmoved and unused for these last few months, but I can’t seem to look at them or figure out what to do with them because the mere thought of it just makes me sick to stomach. So, they’re the elephants in the room that I can’t seem to look at but know are there.
Although the wound cut so deep, its starting to heal and close up and scab over, but the scar will never go away, even if I’m continuing to live my life fully and without abandon. It will be permanent and stay with me forever, deep inside my heart. Facing and confronting my demons is hard. Looking at the pain and touching the scar is hard. It’s so hard that no words can even describe the pain and anguish I feel. Even when I sit and start to writing, nothing comes out but tears and overwhelming sadness and grief. I sit and stare at my blank computer screen as the tears just flow endlessly but no words can even begin to express what I’m feeling. This is the part of the journey that will probably be the steepest climb I have to make to get to the top of the mountain. This is the part where I will emerge a brand new woman if I can succeed. Hopefully someone I can smile at and want to get to know every morning I wake up and look in mirror.
Anyways Babe, I’m on PTO this week! JQ and RS are visiting. I know what you’re thinking, “You’re letting RS into our house again?! He’s a Cavs fan, how many times have I told you he’s banned and not allowed into our house!?” Well, like I said before, you died so now I get to do whatever I want. I don’t need to consult you anymore! That’s what you get for dying on me!! So, not sure how much writing I can do with guests and also writer’s block from having to face my pain and look at my wound. So, I just wanted to let you know, I might be MIA for awhile. But you know, I’m always thinking of you all the time anyways, whether I write or not. We talk to each other everyday, even if I’m not writing these letters to you.
Also, we’re riding bikes across the Golden Gate bridge. I realize that I actually have to prep my bike for the ride myself. Usually, I just have to say, “Babe, I’m going riding this weekend.” And you would take care of everything without me even asking. Well, in all honestly, I don’t ask because I never even realize that a bike needs to be prepped before riding after it sits for months and years collecting dust because my tires are always fully inflated, brakes are fully functioning, and the gears all greased up and ready to go for my ride without me ever having to lift a finger. So, when the ride was confirmed, all I kept hearing in my head was, “SY, did you check to make sure your bike is ready for the ride?!” So, last week I went to pull my bike down from the bike rack (which is hella hard to take off since that was supposed to be your job! I think I took down a ton of other stuff down with it when I tried to get it off the rack!) And low and behold, the bike was super dusty, the tires were deflated, and I have no clue how to check if the brakes and gears were in good order. So, I loaded the bike into my car and took it in for servicing!! Thanks for the reminder babe! This week’s mantra is #baycation (coined by your favorite Cavs fan)!!!
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.