Hey Babe -
IH and I had another one of our sleepovers. (I’m always amazed that EH actually trusts me with her!! Even my sister says, “someone actually trusts you to watch their kid overnight with no supervision?!”) Kids are funny because they ask very philosophical questions without knowing it. While we were talking the dog, she asked me “What’s your biggest nightmare?” I said, “Right now!” Of course she gave me the most confused look; she’s only 6, so she didn’t understand the irony or even know what it was in reference to, but that’s all I had to offer her for an answer since that’s how I felt. I am living my worst nightmare. But, actually, come to think of it, this was never even on my list of worst nightmare. I guess, somehow, I thought we were immune to something like this happening. Honestly, I’m still shocked and baffled that it even happened to us. It’s hard to believe how something seemingly innocuous could lead to something so tragic and fatal. Who can imagine that a perfectly healthy person can wake up one morning and just drop dead in an instant with almost no warning; (but, in your case, there were subtle warning signs that you chose to ignore, but for dramatization sake, let’s say you didn’t have any!! I know what you’re thinking, “SY, just drop it. Why do you always have to point out what I did wrong?!”) that life can be that fragile and delicate. You hear of these things happening to other people, but it’s never your story until it becomes your story. Well, if you must know, IH’s biggest nightmare is clowns!!
She also pointed to your urn and asked “What’s inside the box?” I wasn’t sure what to say to her, but at the same time, I didn’t want to lie or not be open and honest with her, and I’ve come to learn that as a society and culture, we don’t talk enough about death. It’s almost taboo to talk about death, but death is as common as having babies. We celebrate babies being born all the time (maybe even too excessively than we should in my mind), but nobody talks about death. Nobody talks about death or loss or grief, but everybody throws a baby shower, and now, people even throw parties to reveal the baby’s gender and wives / significant others are getting “push present” for delivering the baby!! WTF is a “push present”?! So, after a moment of silence and tons of processing what I should say, I finally said, “Sean’s inside the box.” Well, let’s just say, she had the weirdest expression after I said that. Then I said to her, “See, his name is on the box. This is where he is now.” I had to step out of the room for a second, but when I came back, I saw her standing next to your urn, looking at the placard, and I can tell she had a deeper respect for the box now that she knows it’s more than just a box. I think she had a harder time with me giving Samy away. She kept asking why I gave the fish away?! I said, “I didn’t know how to take care of the fish, so I found it a better home.” She said, “It’s not hard, you just have to feed it every Wednesdays!” I started laughing and said, “Are you sure that’s all I have to do?!” She answered definitely, “Yes, that’s all you have to do!!” She also asked if I still had the nametag she made for Samy. I had to tell her no, which I think made her really sad. I said, “It was dirty from being on the fishtank, so I threw it away.” It was actually really hard to throw away the nametag she made. I contemplated keeping it when I found it, but it was dirty and wet, and YA gave me the ‘why are you keeping that” look when we found it in your big box of fish stuff. I asked her if she would have wanted to keep the name tag for herself, and she said, “Yes.” So, I asked her if she wanted to make another one. She said, “Yes,” but then she changed her mind and said, “It’s okay, I wouldn’t know what to do with it anyways.” So, we left it at that.
She also asked, “What’s the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to you at the same time?!” Like I said earlier, kids ask very philosophical questions without knowing it!! When she asked this question, I avoided it since I figured I didn’t have anything to share that wasn’t morbid and she probably already had enough morbidity for one day! Because my answer would have been, “Right now!!” This is definitely the worst thing that has ever happened to me, yet it’s also made me realize how strong and resilient I could be. There are many ways I could have reacted to my current situation, but instead of reacting, I chose to respond and accept my fate. I chose to question but not expect any answers. I chose to kneel and bow my head down before grief and say, “You are my master, and I will not fight you. I will let the the pain and sorrow in because I know I will never win or defeat you in battle. I will subject myself to your rule, and I will accept whatever pain and sorrow you throw my way because fighting you would be futile.” I know, I made the right decision when I avoided this question!! Also, I was a little distracted trying to cook breakfast for a starving 6 year old at 7am!! I actually got her to bed on time this time (whatever babe, how am I supposed to know that you’re not supposed to give kids sugar after 7pm?!) It took an hour before she actually fell asleep, but it was a lot easier this time than the last time when she was high on all the sugar I fed her at like 8pm!! But getting her to bed ontime, meant she woke up earlier, like 6am early. And you know, I’m NOT a morning person, and after she slept, I started doing things like take a shower and writing the blog, so I didn’t go to bed until after 1am. So, by 10:30am, I was exhausted. I asked her if we could take a nap?! She said, “I don’t take naps anymore!” Then I said, “but I need a nap!!” So, we made a deal that I could nap for one episode of barbie, which she stressed was 21 minutes long. So, I napped for 21 minutes, and she woke me up and back to mommy duties! Motherhood is hard babe! I’m sure we both understood that very well and that’s why we’re still childless. After she left, I literally passed out and napped for 4 hours, making me realize, I’m not cut out for motherhood!! That S*** is hard!! My admiration goes out to all the parents in the world, it ain’t no cake walk being a parent!! I think the last time she stayed over, it took me three days to recover. I remember telling my mom that and she laughed at me! She said, "How can you ever be a mom if you got that tired from watching someone else's child for only one day?!" But, IH is a sweetie and I love all our time together. She makes me realize why parents do what they do and give up so much for their kids. Her inquisitiveness, her laughter, and her sweet personality and temperament is amazing to witness. The ability to see your child grow and thrives, I’m sure makes all the hard work pay off (at least, that’s what I would assume!!).
Hopefully, EH still lets IH sleepover after knowing all the "philosophical" chats we had today?! 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽
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A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.