My new normal...

Hey Babe -

It’s been two weeks of “normalcy” as I like to call it.  Doing earth 1 routines in earth 2.  Week 1 was a little rocky.  I went to the office against the advisement of my therapist (I know, I really need to listen to her more!).  She felt that I should work from home until I can get the hang of working again before going into the office and seeing coworkers (since this would be the first time coworkers will see back after you passed; they might not know what to say or how to act and I might get emotionally charged as well).  I told her, “I’m done being home; laying in bed crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself is just too exhausting and not my style.  I’m just going to rip the bandaid off and jump off the cliff!”  She looked worried and said, “Okay, as long as you can recalibrate if needed.”  I said, “OK!”  Monday was rough; driving in was a little hard and when I got to work, I didn’t even know what to do when I walked into the building; it was like I had forgotten my routine.  I even purposefully went through a different building so the receptionist and security people wouldn’t ask where I’ve been (which they usually do if I go missing for a little while).  It was hard, I started to get emotional walking up to my desk so I just settled in and put on my headphones (signaling to people around me to not talk or bother me).  But some people still came and gave me hugs and asked how I was doing, which of course is very nice but did make me even more emotional.  It was a rough day, some people asked how I was.  I could barely answer and had to walk away before I fell apart, others looked surprised that I was back in the office and didn’t know what to say or how to act, other just ignored it altogether (but from the look they gave me, they knew).  Between anxiety Thursday and my weekly therapy session, I only was able to make it into the office twice that week.  So, yes I recalibrated - I guess the transition from being able to breakdown and cry at any moment at home to being productive at work was a little harder than I had anticipated.  Week 2 was a little more successful and being the type A person that I am, my body was able to adapt my anxiety and breakdowns to the evening so it wouldn’t disrupt my productivity at work.   However, it felt odd to do normal things when there was nothing normal about my life.  I thought I was doing well this week until today, when someone posted something about you on FB and I lost it since I was already having a hard time accepting how normal everything felt but knowing there's nothing normal right now in my life.  I ended up breaking down at my desk, I had to gather all my stuff to quickly leave before the breakdown get worse.  I ended up running to the bathroom to collect myself before leaving the building since I didn't want anybody to see my like that.  My boss told me to not drive if I’m distressed and I told him that I would be okay since crying while driving home is my new normal unfortunately.  Each day I drive home from work (or sometimes just driving by myself in general), there’s never a day or time I’m not in tears all the way home or to whatever mundane destination I’m going to.  Crying in the car and at nights in bed is my new normal in earth 2, unfortunately.