Today’s been a little rough - I felt like I was going to break-down at any minute. I was forced to collect myself many times throughout the day--I guess putting on a ‘game face’ for an extended period takes a lot of energy and sometimes you just don’t have the energy to hold it all together (and that’s okay too)--there’s only so much control one can have over one’s emotions, even for the master compartmentalizer like myself. It felt like the part of me that pulls and controls the levers of my emotions was exhausted these last few days from working on overdrive for too long that it just needed a break. I feel like I rush out of the office at 5pm everyday so I can finally let down my guard and let it all out; maybe that’s why I cry when I’m driving home from work. (Only made it two days without crying; now the crying is back.) The crying is probably tears of sadness coupled with tears of relief that I made it through another day of work without a meltdown.
I feel like it’s been hard this last week at work since I’m starting to let my guard down and be a little more honest when people ask how I am. But being honest means I have to be vulnerable, since I don’t know what emotions will surface as a result. I guess I’m finally getting to a point where I’m ready to talk about my trauma--to be open and let others in (not just through the blog but also in person). At times, I feel like I’m hiding behind the blog and pouring my feelings and emotions on paper, so I can let it all out without having to talk or have a conversation about it. Awhile ago, my therapist asked if I was talking to anyone else about my pain and grief besides her and the blog. Once again, I had the deer in the headlight look--but I wasn’t ready then. Like I told you earlier, “It’s time to share our story,” I feel like now it’s time for me to start having conversations about my journey and not just a one-sided conversation where I’m writing to an empty abyss. This is the next step / goal I have set for myself. So, I’m going to welcome comments on the blog so we can start conversing about my posts or texts or calls or emails -- whatever works for my supporters (who have been so patient and understanding with all my demands and requests for space and privacy--I know, I’m such a high-maintenance widow!)
Well babe, next week should be interesting, I leave tomorrow for my first work trip to China since you passed. This will be the first time I go to the airport for an international trip without you taking me to the airport. I keep hearing you say, “SY, my wife doesn’t take an uber to the airport!” You always made it a point to take me to the airport, even when I try to make other arrangements that are more convenient, it never fails that you insist on picking me up. Do you remember the time when I was on a work trip in China, and I told you I can just hitch a ride with MO since she lives in Oakland and we landed during rush hour. It was just more convenient since her husband already worked in the city. You weren’t okay with this but I kept insisting it was easier and more convenient. Well, instead of staying home and waiting for me, you ended up making arrangements with MO’s husband to meet up and carpool with him to the airport so you could still pick me up while also listening to me. (I’ll give it to you that day--you outsmarted me!) One would think that you insist on taking and picking me up from the airport because you had some grand gesture of saying goodbye or hello, but not really. You just like taking me to the airport so you can spend the entire drive nagging me. “Why are you always late, now I have to rush to get you to the airport on time.” “Did you email me your itinerary?” “SY, don’t be you when you are traveling. Be like me--aware and alert of your surroundings.” “Are you traveling with other people, or are you going alone?” “Where’s the life insurance policy?” I have to spend the entire drive listening to you go on and on about how I need to be aware and alert and not talk to strangers--like I’m 5 years old. That was your thing whenever I traveled without you. Although I usually drown you out on the ride to the airport, I will miss it tomorrow. There will be nobody to nag me about being careful and to miss and worry about me while I’m gone. I’ll have nobody to call back at home and nobody to facetime with so I can see the babies. It will be an interesting trip and I hope I can survive it without any major meltdowns.
And babe, you know how China travel is--unreliable internet, censored websites, jet lag, and hectic schedules, so don’t get made if I can’t write often. I love and miss you so much!!
UGH - just realized today is Thursday -- maybe it was a good day afterall. I mean, I did make it into the office and only had two instances where I actually shed tears at work--that's progress in my mind.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.