Never-Ending and Relentless

Hey Babe,
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There are times where I wished we had a formal “breakup.”  I want to be mad at you.  I want to yell, scream, and throw things at you.  I want to “hate you!"  I want something to make it easier for me to “get over you.”  

Do you know how often I fantasize about this?!  In my mind, I play and replay the image of us fighting, screaming, and throwing things at each other over and over again in an indefinite loop.  I want to be able to say, “What an A**hole, I can’t believe I wasted 14+ years of my life with this guy!!”  Wouldn’t it be so much easier to look forward and move onwards if this was really the case???  I just want some “closure,” some sort of ending that I can understand and accept that makes sense to me.  No story can end without a conclusion or ending.  Apparently, a sudden and unexplainable death isn’t a conclusion or ending I can accept or even begin to fathom as the ending to our story.  

There’s a song that Lady Gaga sang from A Star is Born called “I’ll Never Love Again,” where she opens the song with the below lyrics:
 
Wish I could, I could've said goodbye
I would've said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew it would be the last time
I would've broke my heart in two
Tryna save a part of you
 
When I heard this song for the first time, I started to cry uncontrollably.  It was like the song was written just for me.  If only I knew that day was our last time together, I would have told you so many things.  I would have told you how much I love you.  How I don’t want you to leave.  How I can’t imagine a world or a life without you.  How I can’t live without you.  How your absence would be so big and deep, an emptiness so vast that I still haven’t found the bottom yet.  I keep falling and falling further into the abyss, and there's no end or bottom to this darkness and pain.

There are days where I still wake up and I can’t believe this is my life.  There are days where I wish I can hear your voice.  I want to feel your touch.  I want to see your face.  You don’t know how much my heart aches when I think about us and about how we never got to say goodbye.  How can this really be our ending?!  How can we really end like this?!  Then the pain and heartache turn into anger because I hate you for leaving me.  I hate you for doing this to me.  I hate that you left and I’m stuck to deal with the aftermath all by myself.  I want to scream and yell at you.  I want to call you names and throw things at you.  I want to hate you.  I want to have a breakup ending that I can understand.  I want to have a “closure” that I can accept.  I want to know that I can get through this.  I want to know that I have the strength and courage to keep living and being open to everything that life has to offer me – even if it’s without you.  
 
Is this too much to ask for?!  Can we finally breakup, now?!  I want to hate you so much!!  I want to move on. I want this pain to end.  I want you back.  I want my old life back.  

Now - can you see how this can turn into a never-ending cycle?!  Welcome to widowhood! 😂🤣  Pain turns into anger.  Anger turns into yearning.  Yearning turns into pain.  It's never-ending and relentless.  I guess the goal is to try and break this cycle.  I still haven't figured out how to do this yet.  There are days where I want to give up and surrender.  Then, there are days where I think I'm a badass and I've kicked grief in the ass and squished it like a fly.  But most days, I'm just beat up, broken, bloody, and worn out inside the ring.  The punches never seem to stop, and I try to punch back and defend myself, but mostly, it's all about self-preservation when you're in the ring with grief.  I usually just have my gloves up around my face and try to protect myself the best I can and survive for as long as I can.  Even when I think I know what going to happen next, grief throws multiple jabs from left-field to constantly remind me who's the boss in this ring, and it's definitely NOT ME!!  I've even tried to step out of the ring and wave the white flag multiple times, but grief constantly pulls me back in and tells me there's no surrender or giving up in this battle.  It's a full fledge war and I either have to win victoriously or get beaten to a pulp and die!  

Grief is a formidable and relentless opponent.  The battle continues to rage on, and I don't know how many rounds are left - or should I say, I don't know how many more rounds I can last, but as long as I'm still standing, I'll keep my gloves up around my face and try to throw as many punches as I can.

When you first passed, I only wished for rewind or fast forward.  I wanted to go back in time to our old life or speed up and get to the end of grief.  Now I realized, what I should have really wished for was a snowball where time is frozen and captures a single moment that I want to live in forever, us sitting in the Shay living room, cuddling, laughing, and watching TV together, since neither rewind nor fast forward is possible.