Newly widowed syndrome, Part II (The REAL $**T!)

Hey Babe -

On top of all the questions that raced through my mind that I thought Google could possibly answer, there are also a myriad of other questions that I know Google wouldn’t even know where to start.  If I even dared to type in the below questions, it would be a perpetual ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ across the search results page.

• How could I even breathe when you are not here with me?
• When will I wake up from this nightmare?
• Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?
• How do get back to Earth 1?
• What do I have to do to get back to Earth 1?
• What could I have done differently to save you?
• Why didn’t I pick up on the signs (if there were any)?
• Is this really how our story ends?  (I can’t accept that this is how our story ends, it’s not supposed to be this way.)
• Why do people in terrible marriages / relationships get to live together for an entire lifetime when we were so happy and only got 14 years?
• Will this pain and emptiness ever end?
• Why does my heart feel so empty and numb?
• Why do I sometimes get so sick to my stomach that I want to explode?
• Will I ever be okay?  
• Will I survive this tragedy?
• Am I just waiting to die so I can be with you again?
• Am I going to die soon? (Studies have shown it’s not just elderly couples that suffer from the widowhood effect; young widows can also suffer from the widowhood effect.  Okay, I’ll lay off Google, I promise!)
• How can I take care of all our fur babies and a fish?
• How can I even manage this house by myself?
• Should I sell the house?
• Should I keep the house?
• Can I even live in this house by myself? (I’ve never been alone overnight in this house since you passed, there’s always someone babysitting me.)
• Do I need to get a roommate?
• Can I even live with a roommate?
• Can I go back to work?
• How can I take care of all our fur babies and also go to work all by myself?
• Who will take care of the fur babies when I have to travel (for work and personal)?
• Maybe I should quit my job and move somewhere where nobody knows my story?
• What am I going to do with all your stuff? (I just realized you were a closeted hoarder!)
• Will I ever be able to breathe again?
• Will I ever find happiness or joy in life without you?
• Can I even find happiness or joy without you in my life?
• How can I live without you in my life?
• Now that I understand our body is just a vessel,
  • do I want to donate my organs and help save lives like you did?
  • do I still want to get buried or do I want to be cremated like you?
  • am I still scared of death or has my perspective changed?
• Am I supposed to date again? (We already established that we wouldn’t survive in the current dating scene, especially when we didn’t even know what Tinder was in 2014.)
• Can I even fathom dating again?
• What if I meet someone new,
  • is he going to understand that he has to share my heart with you?
  • is he supposed to just live here with me in this house we built together?
• What if I remarry,
  • would it still be okay to wear your wedding ring and Buddha around my neck?
  • what would I do with my name? - this question just never gets old!
  • would it be okay if I ask him to spread your ashes with mine and his, if I die first? But where would we spread them?  Someplace that is special to you and me or me and him?  (Assumes I get cremated, which I haven’t decided yet, but with the high cost of burial--I might not have a choice!)

Yes, $**T just got real!  And all I’ve come up with is ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯\_(ツ)_/

Yup, I'm in full-blown SY panic mode on overdrive (you've never ever seen me like this before) and now there's no one to talk me off the ledge when it really counts.