Newly Widowed Syndrome Revisited...

Babe,

I thought it was time to revisit some of the questions I had previously to reflect and see if I’ve made any progress down on this journey, so my answers are in red (when I was a teacher, they said using red ink is bad since it has a negative connotation, but I like it because it stands out).  Let’s see where I stand today vs a few months ago.  I wonder if I’ve made any progress?! 🤔🤔🤔

• How could I even breathe when you are not here with me?  You don't have a choice, you just have to do it.
• When will I wake up from this nightmare?  I’m still stuck in this nightmare.
• Will I ever wake up from this nightmare?  I’m trying to be positive and remain optimistic that I will at some point wake up from this nightmare, but all signs are pointing to ‘highly unlikely.’
• How do get back to Earth 1?  I’m still trying to figure this one out.  I wish I had a time machine like in Timeless to pick and choose where I want to go back in time to.  (Remember how you started watching this show, and I was the one that got totally hooked!!  It’s finally back for Season 2.)
• What do I have to do to get back to Earth 1?  This is all I think about and I still haven’t figured it out yet.  I’ll let you know when I figure it out though!
• What could I have done differently to save you?  I think first, I need to know why you died.  I feel like whenever I find out, it will be another downward spiral for me; like having to relive the first few days of your passing again.  I’m kind of dreading it actually.
• Why didn’t I pick up on the signs (if there were any)? this is dependent on the above, so we shall see.
• Is this really how our story ends?  (I can’t accept that this is how our story ends, it’s not supposed to be this way.)  It can end this way, or I can make sure there are a few more chapters to go before our story ends; even if I can’t change or rewrite the ending, I can still make sure I keep your memory alive.
• Why do people in terrible marriages / relationships get to live together for an entire lifetime when we were so happy and only got 14 years?  This was a terrible thing to say out loud.  Let’s forget I even thought or said it outloud.    
• Will this pain and emptiness ever end?  I hope and pray it does, but as of right now, the pain and sadness still resides in my heart, and I feel like I’m still on a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows, but at least it’s more manageable now.  However, I don’t feel the emptiness as much. I’m not sure if I’ve blocked it out so the experience is more bearable and less immobilizing or if the emptiness is really gone. So, I guess this is still vague at the moment.    
• Why does my heart feel so empty and numb?  My heart doesn’t feel empty or numb anymore, but I’m not sure if I just pushed it aside by keeping busy and forging forward.  It will probably hit me like a ton of brick when I least expect it.
• Why do I sometimes get so sick to my stomach that I want to explode?  Thank god I don’t feel sick to my stomach and want to explode anymore, but I’m not sure if this is just a byproduct of keeping busy and forging forward or if I really feel better.  It’s hard to say at this moment.  
• Will I ever be okay?  the answer to this one is still ¯\_(ツ)_/ but at least I feel like it’s possible that I will be okay one day.  
• Will I survive this tragedy?  I think at the end of the day, I will survive this tragedy.  Not because I’ve mastered grief or found some hidden secret to beat or cope with it, but more out of sheer will because that’s just who I am--a survivor.  That is all I know.
• Am I just waiting to die so I can be with you again?  Not sure that there’s an answer to this one but I do contemplate how long it could be before I can see you again if I were to live a long and natural life.  This thought just makes me feel helpless and hopelessness, so I just force myself to stop going down this road since it’s not anything I will ever know or have control over.
• Am I going to die soon? (Studies have shown it’s not just elderly couples that suffer from the widowhood effect; young widows can also suffer from the widowhood effect.  Okay, I’ll lay off Google, I promise!)  I hope not.  Even though most of the time, I don't feel like I'm really living life.  Instead, I’m just pushing forward so I can keep moving.  However, I know that I still have a lot of things in life that still need to be done and accomplish.  I just need more time to process, reflect, and find my footing, purpose, and meaning in life again. You left a big hole in my life, and I just need to figure out if I can still fill it up again.
• How can I take care of all our fur babies and a fish?  They’re a lot of work but how can I not?! They’re our babies, so I just have to do it.  It’s not like you can give away your children, well except if it’s a fish. Sorry Babe, but you know that I know nothing about taking care of a fish, so I had to find a new home for Samy.  I made sure it was with someone that would take really good care of him.
• How can I even manage this house by myself?  I’m slowly managing it again.  Baby steps is all I can do.
• Should I sell the house?  Who knows?  This is still ¯\_(ツ)_/
• Should I keep the house?  At this moment, I have no choice!  It’s an investment and you can’t buy high and sell low!!  
• Can I even live in this house by myself? (I’ve never been alone overnight in this house since you passed, there’s always someone babysitting me.)  I’m happy to say that I can live in this house by myself.  Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could or not, and I had to really mentally and emotionally prepared myself for it.  It took about a month and half to really feel comfortable and wrap my head around the idea. I was scared and frighten that I wouldn't be able to, but I found the strength to say, “I think I’m ready,” and I just did it.  (I just have to rip the bandaid off!!)  But it’s eerily quiet and different, and I’m still adjusting to it. All of your stuff is still where it was before you passed.  I still haven’t really gone through any of your things.  I think it makes me feel more comfortable when your things are around and where you left them before you passed.  It makes me feel like you’re just away on a business trip and will be home soon.  The thought of having our closet half empty seems like it's just too much to bear, so I more or less kept everything the same.  I tell myself that I will start going through your stuff in April / May timeframe, so I guess we shall see how it goes.
• Do I need to get a roommate?  I don’t necessarily think I need a roommate, but I think it would be nice to have some company since it’s been awhile since I’ve lived by myself.  But finding the right roommate would be key though!
• Can I even live with a roommate?  Well this is one of those wait and see type of thing!  I will only know when I know, right?
• Can I go back to work?  I'm happy to announce that I’m back at work, and I’ve hit the ground running.  The first couple of weeks was hard, but once I got back into the groove of things, it was like riding a bike!
• How can I take care of all our fur babies and also go to work all by myself?  I’m doing it now, so it’s possible.
• Who will take care of the fur babies when I have to travel (for work and personal)?  Glad to have SC and MP and of course uncle YA!!  So, now that I’m the only surviving parent left, I decided that YA will be the fur babies guardian.  It’s officially in the will (even though he hasn’t officially agreed to it yet!)  The babies have their own trust fund if mama dies before them.  I already told uncle YA that if the trust fund isn’t enough to care for them than uncle YA will have to come out of pocket!  😂😂😝😝 Uncle YA says I should also leave him some down payment money for a house since he’s not currently living in a pet-friendly apartment!  Yeah, I know, this was where I drew the line!! 😂😜😆😝
• Maybe I should quit my job and move somewhere where nobody knows my story?  This crossed my mind once or twice in the beginning, but of course I know it’s a ridiculous idea!  But LH thought I was going to move back to So Cal so I could closer to my family. I guess he doesn’t realize that moving to So Cal would drive me even crazier!!  😂😜😆😝
• What am I going to do with all your stuff? (I just realized you were a closeted hoarder!)  Hopefully, this is something I will figure out sooner than later.  Watch, a year from now, I’ll be revisiting these questions and the answer will still be hopefully I figure something out sooner than later. 😆😛😝
• Will I ever be able to breathe again?  Although I didn’t think I could and most of the time I still feel very hopeless and helpless, we did establish that the world doesn’t stop for anyone, so we can move with it or not.  I only have one option and that is to just keep moving and forging forward.
• Will I ever find happiness or joy in life without you? Who knows?  This is still ¯\_(ツ)_/
• Can I even find happiness or joy without you in my life? Who knows?  This is still ¯\_(ツ)_/
• How can I live without you in my life?  It’ been hard, but each day, I’m putting one foot in front of the other.  I just have to keep moving and forging forward and remembering that this journey is a marathon and not a sprint.  I have to find a balance that allows me to process and grieve while also moving and forging forward without shutting off the grief process.  I still don’t think I’ve found the right speed yet, but I’m pretty good at course correcting, so in due time, I’m sure I will figure out the right balance that works for me on this journey.
• Now that I understand our body is just a vessel,
  • do I want to donate my organs and help save lives like you did? yes, why wouldn’t I want to save a life if I could (even though it’s not part of my culture).  Sometimes, we have to look beyond culture and belief and do the right and logical thing.
  • do I still want to get buried or do I want to be cremated like you? I’ve decided that I’ll just get cremated like you.  I was thinking we have our ashes spread in Belize, since we both agreed we wanted to retire there.
  • am I still scared of death or has my perspective changed?  I’m still scared of death, but I definitely have a new perspective and understanding of grief.  I have a more profound appreciation and respect for how short and precious life is and to never take anything for granted, even if you think you have time.  You should always live like today is your last because nothing is guaranteed in life except death and taxes.
• Am I supposed to date again? (We already established that we wouldn’t survive in the current dating scene, especially when we didn’t even know what Tinder was in 2014.) I think this question and the others after is way too early to even reflect on.  So, we’ll leave them as is.
• Can I even fathom dating again?
• What if I meet someone new,
  • is he going to understand that he has to share my heart with you?
  • is he supposed to just live here with me in this house we built together?
• What if I remarry,
  • would it still be okay to wear your wedding ring and Buddha around my neck?
  • what would I do with my name? - this question just never gets old!
  • would it be okay if I ask him to spread your ashes with mine and his, if I die first? But where would we spread them?  Someplace that is special to you and me or me and him? (Assumes I get cremated, which I haven’t decided yet, but with the high cost of burial--I might not have a choice!)