No one knows unless they've walked in my shoes...

Hey Babe,

Yup!  So, I’m breaking all the rules now that you’re not here!  You know, you had a lot of rules. For someone who’s laid-back and easy-going, you had a lot of rules and boundaries.  I’m highly structured and process-oriented, but I have no rules or boundaries whatsoever. I don’t care if the animals are cuddling with me on the sofa or walking on the countertop.  I don’t care if someone wants to borrow or use my stuff. It’s like pulling teeth to use or borrow anything of yours. I have to ask if I want to use a screwdriver. A SCREWDRIVER for god sake!  And if I didn’t ask first and you found out (cause I’m sloppy and put it back in the wrong place or forget to put it back at all), I would hear it for days! “SY, what did I tell you about using my things without asking!?!”  And, I was only allowed to use certain tools under supervision and not others. Anything with a blade or sharp object, you rarely let me use without supervision for fear I would hurt myself or cut a digit or appendiage.

Well, I’ve been using your tools like no other, even the drill and especially the tools you told me to never touch!  I’ve also been using your box cutters like a pro! And, the animals have been laying on the sofa by themselves, cuddling with me on the sofa while we watch TV, and walking all over the countertops and tabletops like they own the place.  (Honestly, it’s not like I let them, but as you know, I have no control over these animals!) “SY, don’t let the animals on the sofa! You baby them too much, and you let them walk all over you. That’s why they’re spoiled and don’t listen to you.  If you want authority, you need to show them who’s the alpha!!” I could push the cats off the table and they wouldn’t budge or jump off. Even if I successfully pushed them off, they just jump back on like nothing! But if they hear your footsteps coming into the room, they would jump off the table or countertop or stop doing whatever they’re not supposed to be doing before you could get to the room!  I used to think to myself, “Damn, now that’s power right there!?!” I could get factories in China inline with an email or a wechat messenger ping, but I could never get our fur babies under control!! They just walk all over me and are probably laughing at me when I’m try to discipline them or get them to behave or listen to my command. “Mama, who you think you is?!” is probably what they’re thinking when I’m trying to get them to behave!

So, I’ve been obsessed with getting rid of your shoes!  I don’t know why, but I am. I ended up pinging your brother, cousins, and KT to ask them if they wanted your shoes before I donated them.  (And I’m still waiting for your brother to come! He keeps telling me he’s coming, but he never does. I’m not sure why I’m even surprised. I should be surprised if he actually showed up when he says he would!! That’s when it will be shocking!!)  I even took pictures of the shoes you have in the closet to your cousin RJ to pick out what he wanted. He decided he was going to take whatever was left after everybody takes what they want (not sure what that’s all about), but he said if doesn’t want or will wear them, he will find them a home!  So, it looks like I got rid of all your shoes in theory. They all have imaginary post-it notes on them, but they’re still physically in our closet. And who knows when your cousin RJ will be in town to even pick them up! I hope he brings his big truck since it might not fit if he doesn’t. So, now that they’re all given away, I feel better about myself!  Like I accomplished something (even if they’re still physically here)!

Oh, I didn’t tell you, but last week, I consulted a medical malpractice lawyer.  He laid it out for me. Ultimately, he said the burden of proof isn’t sufficient to prove negligence on the doctor’s part since you weren’t experiencing any symptoms when you saw the ER doc and your primary care physician.  They probably could have been more thorough or hold you about some symptoms to look out for, but legally speaking, they can’t be considered negligent since you weren’t displaying any signs or symptoms when you saw them, and they are not required to tell you to look out for any warning signs or symptoms.  However, if you had gone to the doctors that Wednesday when you were experiencing chest pains when you started showing some signs and symptoms, and they didn’t do anything to explore the road rash to look for DVT or blood clots, then there would be sufficient burden of proof to consider filing a malpractice suit.  But, since you didn’t go to the doctor when you started experiencing these symptoms, they can’t be held liable for negligence. I guess the only person who was negligent in this whole matter was you! Your mom said we should sue you for negligence. I guess I would like to join party on that suit again you also! I’m sure there are others as well who would like to file suit against you.  Next thing you know, there’ll be a class action suit against you for negligence, for putting your wife and family though this needless pain and grief. It’s hard to fathom that even though you more or less did everything the doctors told you to do, you still died.

It’s hard to believe and accept that you died over something so seemingly senseless that it’s hard not to believe that maybe this was our destiny.  It was written in the stars, and there was nothing we could have done to stop or prevent it. That you had reached the end of your life line because if you were meant to be alive, you would be!  You would still be here with me, and our house would still be full of love, laughter, and all sorts of other noise since you detest a quiet house, whereas, I, on the other hand, love a quiet house!  When you were alive, the house was never quiet when you were home. Something was always turned on, whether it be the TV or music playing in the background, or you’d be cracking jokes and making me laugh, or you’d be making fun of me, or chasing the animals around with the Nerf super soaker to make sure they knew who was the alpha in this household.  There was never a dull or quiet moment when you were home. So, whenever, I was home by myself, I would turn everything off since I loved the peace and quiet. I didn’t get it often when you were alive, so I crave it all the time and looked forward to it when you weren’t home. But now, what I crave the most is to be able to hear your laughter and your voice making fun of me or cracking jokes or yelling at the animals while you’re chasing them around the house with a super soaker in your hand, squirting them with water.  I miss the goofy faces you’d make at me and your smile that always melted my heart. You could get me to do anything with those warm and bright eyes and smile of yours. They were my achilles heel. You also liked to surprise attack me when I’m not paying attention and take me down to the ground and tickle me to death or rub your beard all over my face and neck. I would be kicking and screaming for mercy but you never showed me any! I even missed you saying, “Is that what you’re going to wear?!” I miss it all, even the stuff that used to drive me crazy and mad when you were alive.  I want them all back, every single pet peeve I would take back! I would rather have you with all your pet peeves and annoyances than what I have now--nothing but pain and grief and a house full of reminders that you don’t exist anymore!! That my life will never be the same again. That I’m half a person living a life built for two. That all I have to look forward to on this journey is a permanent scar that will never go away and will forever reside deep in my heart. A wound that cuts so deep but is only visible to me and nobody else. A pain and sorrow that nobody understands unless they’ve walked in my shoes.      

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