Hanging on to the furniture still...

Hey Babe,

I feel like there’s so much to tell you from my trip to Japan but somehow whenever I go to write, only pain and grief comes through my writing.  I don’t know why, maybe they are the thoughts I keep buried deep inside of me that lay dormant until I go to write.  Maybe it's my way of coping so I can deal with the world around me and keep my pain and grief at bay. One of the blogs I read about widowhood, a widow wrote that she was afraid to let herself feel the pain or to even go there because she was afraid that she would not be able to survive it, so she always kept her pain and grief in check.  She just felt it enough but never too much.  She never let herself go too deep or too dark in her grief.  Sometimes I feel like I do that also.  After you passed, I felt like I had to keep my pain and grief in check.  Because I was always afraid of how dark or deep it could go and I was afraid I wouldn't survive or make it out alive.  I never really allowed myself to take off the life jacket and see how deep and dark my pain and grief can really go.  I was too scared and terrified to let myself go there.  I don't think I would ever be able to come up for air if I ever took the life jacket off.  I'd probably drowned to death already and my body would sink to the bottom of the ocean with all the baggage strapped to me!!  Never ever to be found again.  So, instead of letting my pain and grief overpower me and strangle me to death, I always tried to keep it in check and at bay!!  (I know, can you image this blog getting any sadder or more painful than it really is?!  I don't think I would have many readers left after the first month!!)  Most of the time, I still think I'm trying to control my pain and grief. (I mean, nobody would be surprised when I say, "I have control issues!!")  For instance, I can’t really look at your things around the house, but I can’t seem to get rid of them either.  It's like I still continue to think you are just away right now and will be coming home soon (so having your things around validates that belief).  I've never really let myself think or believe that you are never coming back. I guess that's why I can't seem to get rid of your stuff.  Not seeing your things or actually looking at the empty spaces where your things used to be would mean I believe you aren't ever coming home again, and whenever I think about this, I just get into a really bad place that I have to pull myself out of real quick or else it would eat me up.  But I guess I better get comfortable soon since EE is coming to help me undertake this task in Nov!!  I'll be honest, I've been readying myself and mentally preparing myself for this moment since August babe!!  That will be three months when November rolls around.  I hope I don't chicken out!!  🤞🏽🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏽  

But, I know and feel that each day that progresses, I’m making strides in my grief process (albeit small, but still progress nonetheless).  I'm growing stronger and more confident in my own skin, and I've slowly starting to accept my “new reality.”  I don’t cry everyday anymore (only some days now!!).  I don’t feel the need to talk (aka write) to you everyday like I used to (hence I’m not blogging now).  My “sunny” personality is starting to come back, and my smile and laughter is more genuine and whole-hearted (even JO commented that she feels “the clouds have lifted” for me!!)  I've grown more comfortable being alone and in solitude now (whereas before it was very uncomfortable and it made me feel very uneasy and incomplete.  And the biggest thing act is that I've stopped wearing my wedding ring!!  Yup!!  I can't believe it myself.  I stopped wearing it since I got back from Japan.  

​Not wearing my wedding ring wasn't an active or conscious decision I made; it just kind of happened.  When I was in Japan the first day, I was in a hurry and didn't want to be late for my bike tour, so I had forgotten to put on my wedding ring before I left (I guess being that it was a new environment and my routine was different helped the situation also!)  By the time I realized I had forgotten my wedding ring, I was already at my destination, so I had to go through the entire day without it.  I became fixated on the ringless ring finger.  I kept looking at the indentation on my finger where the ring would be, and I kept touching the empty ring finger with my thumb since it felt so strange to not be wearing my wedding ring.  It literally bothered me the entire day that it was hard to enjoy the bike tour (well, at least for the first few hours, I think after awhile I became less fixated on it!)  So, after that day, I never got it again when I was in Japan.  But when I got back, I didn't realize I had forgotten it again until I was crossing the Dumbarton bridge on Monday morning.  I did the same thing; I was fixated on the ringless ring finger again.  I kept staring at the indentation of my finger of where it used to be, and I kept touching it with my thumb.  But by the end of the day, I thought to myself, maybe there's a reason I kept forgetting it.  Maybe it's time to stop wearing it.  So, that's what I did, I stopped wearing it and it was very strange for awhile.  I would drive home in traffic and just stare at the indentation on my ring finger and I keep touching it with my thumb (like somehow my wedding ring would reappear if I touched it enough time - or maybe I hoped you would reappeared if I touched it enough!!)   So, it's been about a month since I stopped wearing my wedding ring.  It's strange but I guess with anything else, it's starting to feel a little normal not wearing a wedding ring (except for the indentation that serves as a constant reminder that something is missing, but other than that, I've survived!!  But now it's a little strange when I talk about you and say "my husband" and then suddenly realize I'm not wearing a wedding ring, so people might get confused as to what husband am I alluding to now?!  I know, widowhood is so DAMN confusing, right?  It's never just straight forward and black and white.  I guess I'm still learning how to be a widow!!)

But, I still have my moments when I think of you and tears just roll down my cheeks uncontrollably (it’s like riding a bike I guess, you can’t forget what it feels like to be in pain and grief.  Even if you tried, you can't.  That's just how powerful grief is, I suppose!!).  But the pain and grief isn’t monopolizing or debilitating my life like it used.  So, now I actually have time to do things like watch TV / movies, go out and do things with people, and read.  Yup, I said it Babe, READ!!  You probably won't believe this when I say, "I’ve been reading a lot lately!!"  You’re probably thinking, “Who are you?!  And what have you done with my wife?!”  I’ve probably read more books in the last month than all the 14 years we’ve been together!!  Reading has been taking a lot of my time lately, I guess that's part of the reason why I don't write as much, I've been too busy reading!! 😂😂🤣   

I’ve been obsessed with a trilogy called To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before!!  SC and I watched the movie when we were in Japan during one of those rainy days before the typhoon touched down, and we completely fell in love with it.  We watched it like multiple times while we were in Japan, whenever we had down time, we end up watching it since nothing else held our interest for long. I liked the actress that plays the heroine in the book so much, I researched her and the movie and found out it’s an adaptation from a book.  So, when I got back from Japan, I decided to buy the first book and I finished it in like three days.  Then I ordered the next two books in the trilogy but it was on back order for 4-6 weeks.  I got to the point where I couldn't wait any longer and ended up going to Barnes and Nobel in the middle of the night on a Friday to pick up book 2 and 3, which I ended up finishing both book by Sunday night.  (Yes babe, that's 3 books I read in less than one week, that’s over a thousand pages in less than one week!! I know what you’re thinking, “Who are you?!” ‘Cause the only reader in this household is YOU and NOT me!!  And, you know how I hate reading fiction. I can only read for information and / or informative self-help books!)  I think ultimately, the reason why I was so drawn to the trilogy was the relationship between Lara Jean and Peter reminds me so much of us! It’s almost feels like I’m reading a story about us.  How two completely different people without anything in common could fall so madly in love with each other.  How instrumental the person became in the other person's life, and how they grew, matured, and evolved over the years by being together.  (And, it also doesn't hurt that Peter is the popular and loveable jock with a very gregarious personality that everybody is drawn towards while Lara Jean is the overly opinionated, confident, and independent nerd that marches to the beat of her own drum -- see, just like us!! 🤣😝😬😂)  It’s a young adult novel about high school romance, something you'd think I have no interest in, but somehow, I'm completely in love with it, and I have a tendency to obsess over it also!!  A lot of the themes and story line reminds me of us and how our relationship evolved over time. There’s a lot a subtheme about dealing with grief and loss that I also gravitated towards as well.  Its  helped me to realize a few things I've struggled with on my grief journey; like how to reconcile doing something I know that you might not like or don’t necessarily believe in.  How I can be so happy yet so sad at the same time.   How it’s okay to find joy and happiness in my life yet still long and yearn for you at the same time.  How in my darkest days, all I want is for you to comfort me; to make me feel better; to hold my hand and walk me through the fire (or like most times, you'd be carrying me through the fire while I'm kicking and screaming -- I know, I never make anything easy for you!!😂🤣😝😜) And most importantly, how people deal with grief is as a unique and different as a person's individual personality.  No two grief experience will ever be the same, even when the loss is shared and for the same person.  

At the end of the day, it's really hard to realize that we all end up walking down the path of grief alone and at different paces, even if the loss is shared and for the same person.  Our journey is not the same nor can we ever really help anyone else but ourselves (especially when the other person is not ready or wanting our help).  Each person process pain, suffering, and grief differently, and they also cope and deal with grief and loss differently.   No two experiences will ever be the same, even if the way you are connected to the person is the same.  For instance, when parents lose a child or when children lose their parents.  Even though the role and how they are related to the person is the same, each person still process and copes with the loss differently.  My therapist says, the first couple of month will be the same for everyone, but after the initial shock, fog, and haze of the loss lifts, each person’s grief experience will be as different as their personality.  Sometimes, I feel like I gravitative towards certain people on this journey because I feel like they would understand what I'm going through, feel that immense pain the same way I do, and would hold my hand so we can walk through this horrible journey together.  But overtime, I've come to learn that it’s very hard to keep pace with someone on this grief journey.  I haven't found a solid "running partner" on this grief marathon that I can run and keep pace with.  But, that doesn't mean there aren't moments where I'm walking hand in hand with someone, but it just doesn't last.  Most of the time, it's just me, walking alone in the dark, scared and petrified of what lays ahead.  But I have no choice, but to just keep forging forward, even if all I want is to move backwards or to just stop.  But, I know I can't stop.  If I stop, even for a second to catch my second wind, I'm scared (actually I'm petrified) that I might never be able to get up or keep on going again; I'd probably be stuck in that same place indefinitely; laying in bed, standing still, crying my eyes out while life and time, just about everything else around me, just keeps on going, moving forward, while I stand still, enthralled in immense pain and grief, unable to cope or deal with my "new" reality.

With any journey towards self-discovery, there will inevitably be moments where we move backwards as much as we're moving forward.  We retreat because we feel scared, hopeless, helpless, and a whole slew of other emotions that I don't have time to list.  These emotions, if we allow it, will swirl around inside of us, and before we know it, they will take over and permeate our mind, body, and spirit, and we start questioning everything we know about our self and who we are.  They will take away our courage and strength, and   when we're finally on our knees begging for mercy, they would take advantage of our weakness and stage a coup; imprisoning and holding us hostage inside our own body.  (You see what I have to deal with Babe?!  This shit is freaking SCARY as S***!!  So, why do you think I keep pushing myself (even if sometimes, I'm moving backwards instead of forward...because standing still is not a viable survival skill in this war, at least for me!!)  But, I will admit I've gotten better equipped at fighting this war that rages on inside and around me because I have more good days than bad now.  Even the bad days aren’t as immobilizing or debilitating as they used to be, but I don’t think the hurt is less or doesn't cut as deep because when it still hurts and cuts, the pain and grief is just as painful, deep, and raw as the first days after you passed.  I think the difference is that I have more experience and better weapons at combating and fighting this war against grief and I’ve grown more accustom to the hurt and pain that it’s become a part of my "new" normal now.  I guess you can say, the pain and grief has become a part of me now.  A part of who I am.  A part of my story.  Even if I want to go back to that other person before you passed, I wouldn't be able to.  Even if you walked through the door today, I don't know if I could even go back to being me before you died or even living that life anymore.  I'm not sure if you would even recognize me now either if you came back.  I guess I'm starting to reach the part of my grief journey where the online widow(er)s support group says, “They are different people now. They are not the same person they were when their spouse was alive. Who they are now is not the same person they were before.  So, even if their late spouse was able to come back to life, they’re not sure they would go back to that life anymore.  They can’t live that old life anymore, because everything about them has changed. They are different now and they no longer fit into that old life anymore!” I didn’t know how to feel when I read that post and all the comments that followed.  It felt kind of strange to me at the time, yet those words were loud and clear at the same time.  It felt like they were trying to tell me something that I was struggling with, that I was trying to reconcile within myself.  I didn't know what it was, but I know those words gave me a sense of fear and comfort at the same time.  I don't know if the fear is because that day will actually come or if there will actually be a day where I would say, "Sorry Babe, you took too long to come back and it's too late now."

I can barely figure out how I will feel from one minute to the next, but what I can say with certainty is that with every progressive day, I see myself slowly changing and evolving; becoming a new and different person. It’s both strange and exciting at the same time. (if you’re wondering!!)  It’s hard to reconcile how sad and happy I feel about this, but I guess it all goes back to what my therapist keeps telling me, “Emotions are messy. They’re not cut and dry.” I guess I have to keep living in the “grey area.” I know, Konmari must be very upset that I can’t seem to neatly organize my emotions into properly labeled shoe boxes like she instructed. I’m such a failure in life, I know!! 😂🤣

Remember that day in Kyoto when I had my meltdown about the Mario kart thing?  When I finally calmed myself down, I started surfing the web and came across the eulogy Biden gave at McCain’s funeral.  The part that really touched me was when he said,

“What’s going to happen is, six months will go by, and everybody’s going to think, well, it’s passed. But you’re going to ride by that field or smell that fragrance, receive that flashing image, and you’re going to feel like that day you got the news. But you know you’re going to make it when the image of your dad, your husband, your friend, crosses your mind, and a smile comes to your lip before a tear to your eye. That’s when you know, and I promise you, I give you my word, I promise you, this I know, that day will come. That day will come.”  

I don’t think I’m quite there yet, where I can say I made it because an image of you brings a smile to my lips before it brings a tear to my eyes, but I feel that I’m getting closer to it.  (Well, at least I hope I’m getting closer to it!!) But, I guess with everything else on this journey, it takes a lot of time and patience. I have to remember that it’s baby steps before I can start running again.  I think I’m at the stage where I know I can walk on my own now, but I’m still scared to let go of the furniture, so I’m still hanging on until I can find the confidence to let go of the furniture and walk on my own.

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