Yes, I totally used your drill today!! That’s what you get for dying on me. I start using your things without asking (even when I know I’m not allowed to touch or use it without your permission and supervision!) Well technically, the drill belongs to me now!! So, I guess I don’t need your permission anymore. Just like I don’t need your permission to drive the Mini anymore either! If you were buried, you would probably be rolling in your grave right now! Yes, I know, I need to wash the Mini (and all the other cars also), but I don’t have time! Didn’t you know, being a widow has made me very popular! Everybody wants to hang out with me now. It’s hard to find space in the calendar to ‘wash cars’! And today, there were goats loose again in the neighborhood! How do people lose their goats?! I have no clue! Our babies just wait patiently in front of our door whenever they get loose (even Jesse just goes outside and walks around for a HOT minute and comes right back into the house nowadays!). These animals know where they have it good!
I feel like I’ve hit that zone where I’ve learned to manage my pain. I could be driving to work and be in tears the entire commute and then just wipe away the tears as I pull into the parking lot and I have my game face on in an instant; ready to tackle the day. It kinda feels strange that I can do that now. Before, I could barely control my emotions. Now, I can turn it on and off like a switch. I wonder what my therapist thinks about this. Would she feel that I succeeded at reaching a new milestone? Would she consider this a good thing? Or would she think I’ve learned to compartmentalize my pain now also!?! I also learned how to just keep doing what I’m doing whenever I get emotional and start crying. I don’t even stop what I’m doing anymore; I just keep going. It’s almost like my pain doesn't slow me down anymore. Have I reached a new level of high-functioning widow?! (I wonder if this is a good thing or not!?!)
Okay babe, I’m going to be now. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, so I feel like this lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. Let’s hope I can sleep well tonight! I feel like at some point, I would just get so tired, I would crash! But, it hasn’t happened yet. I keep tossing and turning in my sleep, and I wake up completely restless and exhausted. The other day, I had a dream that Pebbles got attacked by a wild animal and she was bleeding all over her body. I wonder if you were trying to tell me something or not--but it scared me and I woke up abruptly to only realize it was a dream. But it felt so real when I had the dream!! Hopefully, she’s not in any danger.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.