Sometimes, strength and courage just isn't enough...

Hey Babe,

I’m sitting here in a hotel room in Kyoto, Japan missing you so much.  I was supposed to go on the second part of the Mario Go-Karting excursion and I just couldn’t do it.  SC and I did it in Yokohama and I just felt this deep pain when we were driving around because I knew this would have been something you would have LOVED to do!!  When we were getting ready to go today, I felt myself getting edgy and short and I didn’t know why. I even snapped at SC and I just didn’t feel like going. Then at the last minute, I just decided I didn’t want to go anymore (even tho it’s already paid for and I kinda did want to go), but I just couldn’t do it.  After SC left, I just started crying and I realize I couldn’t go because I know it would have been something you would have enjoyed so much, and it just pains me too much that you aren’t here to enjoy it with me. I know if you were here, you would come up to me with that look on your face like you just got your favorite candy from the candy store (like the look you had when you got the rims on the lexus) and you would have said, “SY, that was awesome!!!  We need to do it again!” That’s all I could think about when I was driving around in Yokohama the first time that I got so sad, I couldn’t really enjoy the ride because all I could do was think of you and how much you would have loved go karting around in the city. I just couldn’t bare to go through the pain of missing you and the feeling of longing and yearning for you again. I miss you so much Babe...you have no idea. Sometimes, I can’t even imagine how I’m even getting up everyday and continuing to live life -- but I know that you would never want me to get lost in the void nor never find joy or happiness in my life again.  I know it would make you so sad and it would break your heart if I didn’t get up and continue to seize life and grab it by the horns.  So everyday, I get up and continue living for you. I find the strength and courage to keep going and living life (even though most days, I don’t even know what it’s all for because we all end up in the same place anyways).  But even knowing this, I still have days like this where all I really want to do is just lay in bed and cry my eyes out -- no matter where I am in the world. I just want you and our life back. Nothing else and nothing more. Is that too much to ask for?

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