Today was a rough day. I was exhausted by the time I got home. I ate dinner and was trying to catch up on some work but couldn’t cause I was so sleepy so I had to take a nap around 8pm (which you know I never do and has totally thrown my sleep pattern off). Last night was rough (actually the entire weekend was rough), I didn’t end up going to bed until after 2am. I went to bed around 12:30am and before I fell asleep, I heard this faint beeping noise. I wasn’t sure what it was so I just thought it was my mind playing tricks on me, so I just ignored it. But maybe about 15 minutes later, the beeping noise was a lot louder and I couldn’t figure out what it could be. So, I got out of bed and started walking around the house, the only thing I could think of was the battery on the smoke / carbon monoxide detector needed to be replaced or it was the carbon monoxide detector going off. So, responsibly, I called the non-emergency phone number for the fire department to get some advice on how to distinguish if it’s carbon monoxide or battery change warning. Well, the dispatch lady wouldn’t advise over the phone and only said she can send someone to check it out. I insisted she walk me through it over the phone, maybe after 5 to 10 minutes of back and forth, I reluctantly agreed for someone to come out, but I said no sirens since it’s late and I don’t want to wake anybody up in the neighborhood. Well, two fire trucks and three firemen later (which seemed like overkill to send so many people) sweeping the house, they determined that one of the older smoke detectors needed a battery change. I felt like such an idiot, and you know me, then I felt like I had to explain myself for wasting resources and their time. I told them I called the non-emergency line to get help but the dispatch wouldn’t help me over the phone and I didn’t want the house to burn down while I was at work and that you usually handled this stuff but you died and I had no clue, so I panicked and probably over-reacted (I think it’s was from watching Station 19 where one of the episode showed a smoke detector that kept going off intermittently when there wasn’t a fire, so she thought the detector was broken and ignored it for days, and it turned out to be some crazy invisible fire that was building up in the roof took the entire apartment building down and killed all these people -- I know what you’re thinking, “SY, that’s a TV show!!!” Well, in my defense, you woke up and died for no apparent reason; something that seems like it would only happes in the TV shows and movies, but it happened to me, so I think I was somewhat justified for overreacting in this case!!) Next thing you know, I break down in tears as I’m trying to justify myself, and the firemen are consoling me and tell me that this is their job and that I will be okay. I guess I’m lucky I got nice firemen last night and not socially inept EMTs that says, “I was one of the technicians that brought your husband in the ambulance. Sorry for your loss, I hope you have a better day!!" After they left, I also realized the beeping noise could have been the tattle tale thing we have for the animals to not jump on the sofa, but I swear it was a different beeping noise than the tattle tale, because that I know and can recognize. (But then again, with widow's brain, my mind tends to play tricks on me as well!! So, honestly, who freakin' knows!!) I just felt really 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️.
Anyways, I feel like you are really putting me through the wringer Babe. I feel like you’re testing me to make sure I can live this life on my own. I still haven’t figured out the light bulb situation on my own. I still need help changing them. I almost feel like I’m protesting this one by not even trying to conquer the light bulb thing. It’s almost like I’m telling you I don’t freaking care if our light bulbs don't match - they’re just light bulbs. Their primary function is to serve one purpose and one purpose only: to provide light! Nothing more and nothing less. Why do we need so many different types and kind? Seriously?! You are over the top sometimes with these light bulbs. You had special ones for different occasions and you would switch them out whenever you needed to for a specific event / occasion. I always thought that was over the top!! So, maybe I'm protesting and putting my foot down on this one!! The next test was whether I could competently look after the animals on my own, which I failed when I didn’t even realize my ‘precious Jesse’ as you like to call him was left to fend for himself outside overnight since you were the one that always noticed if an animal is missing or up to mischief. Whenever it got too quiet, you start investigating!! (You did this with me also!!! This is how you usually catch me in the act of doing something I shouldn't be doing!!) The animals are lucky if they have water in their bowl most of the time since that was something you took care of as well. Okay, do we really have to go there and talk about the doors and windows??!! So a few times (okay, more than a few times, you happy?!), I’ve gone to bed with some doors unlocked because I don’t sweep the house and check every door and window is closed and locked before I go to bed like you do. Everytime I notice a door or slider unlocked for who knows how many days, I constantly hear you saying, “SY, you will never learn until someone comes into the house and kills you!” Then last night, the whole smoke detector thing. I don’t know if I failed or passed that one. I mean if it was more serious, I’m sure I passed. But who knows. Oh, let’s not forget you trying to scare me in my dreams when I was napping on Sunday also. I feel like that’s you trying to pop up and scare me s***less like whenever you came home from work to make sure I’m alert and ready to sound the alarm if there’s stranger danger lurking. You jumped out at me in the dream like you do when you come home sometimes whenever I'm not paying attention or don't even notice that you came through the door because I'm so immersed in whatever I'm doing to notice or be alert in my surroundings. Yes, I know, most of the time, I failed that test when you were still alive, and you would get so frustrated and say, “SY, that’s what you do when someone jumps out at you?! You don’t fight or attack?! You just stand there stun and screaming?? You can run or fight or claw my eyes out, but instead you chose to shriek in fear?!” I would respond, “Because I know it’s you, you want me to claw your eyes out and attack you?!” Then you would say, “Yes, I do want you to claw my eyes out and attack me. Then I would know you ready and prepared for stranger danger!! Right now, you are not showing to me that you are in any way ready or prepared to fight against stranger danger!! Have I taught you anything?! What would you do if I’m not here to protect you?!” And I would promptly respond with, “I’m sure I will know how to act appropriately if there's a real stranger danger situation!!” I guess now, I really do need to be more alert and aware of my surrounding (Yes, I know, I’m completely oblivious of my surroundings, you don't have to remind me!!). But, I’ve always had you for this - so it’s hard for me to be alert and aware of my surrounding and situation when I’ve never had to be before. I guess it’s the little things in life that we take for granted. We don’t realize what we have until it’s gone; like something as simple as taking a breath. When it’s gone, it’s gone, whether we are ready for it or not.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.