I’ve been thinking why I’ve been having writer’s block and I realize, it’s hard to tell you that I’m getting ready to leave our life behind (even though I plan to pack up some things and bring them with me). It’s very hard for me to tell you I’m getting ready to really say goodbye to you and working towards living in a world where you don’t exist and will never be coming home again. I know you aren’t here anymore, and I’ve learn to live in this new reality, but I still continue to live life as if you were still alive except I do everything on my own. I haven’t really changed much in my life, and I didn’t think I needed to either, but my therapist says if I continue like I do, then I’m just living in the middle room and not taking the next step. She says a lot of people stay in the middle room for a long time and I should continue to live there until I’m ready. But nothing will ever change if I do nothing to change it. In order for change to happen, there needs to be a catalyst. I’m not saying I’m ready to open the door and walk through to a life with you, but I do need acknowledge that that door does exist and I shouldn’t be afraid to look at it, and I can start taking baby steps to start preparing myself while I’m in the middle room so that when I’m ready, I will be prepared for the next part of the journey. This will probably be the steepest climb up the mountain on this journey that I have to take, so I have to take it slow and and make sure I’m grounded and have my footing through the whole climb or else I might fall down and end up further behind than where I am now. So, now that I’m starting to prepare for the next stage on this journey, I find it really hard to tell you about it. I feel like I have to tell you that I’m getting ready to break-up with you (which you know is not something I want to do, but I don’t have much choice or say in the matter). So, it’s been really hard to say, “I love you and miss you so much but I have to say goodbye and leave you now.” You don’t know how hard it is for me to even say that to you. I’m afraid you might get mad and not understand why I have to leave you. You know I don’t want to, but I can’t stay in the middle room forever either. Right now, I feel like I’m straddling two worlds that are in direct conflict with each other. It’s been a constant struggle and battle to figure out how I’m feeling and knowing what to do.
Even though it’s been almost five months since you passed, sometimes it’s still hard to believe that you are not here anymore. There are moments when my heart skips a beat and the wind gets knocked out of me when I think, “He’s really not here anymore!” It’s like the ocean waves are crashes against me, but I don’t get pulled underwater anymore, and I don’t feel like I’m drowning either, but it still hits me very hard even though I don’t lose my footing when the ocean waves are crashing against me now. Grief continues to come and go like the ebb and flow of the ocean, the pain doesn’t hurt any less than when it first happened, but it’s not as devastating and I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore. I know you aren’t here anymore, but there are moments where it’s still hard to believe that you aren’t here anymore either. It’s a weird feeling to know one thing to be true and definitive but also hard to believe and accept at the same time. It’s like I’m constantly at odds with myself - knowing but wanting to believe in something else and hoping that I will still wake up from this nightmare. It’s hard to believe that one day I was happily married and feeling like I was on top of the world and in a blink of an eye, everything shattered and my entire world was turned upside down.
A little while ago, I had to contact the home owners insurance lady about something and she asked how I was doing. I responded with “I’m doing okay. It still feels surreal but less alternate universe, if you know what I mean!” That’s how I feel most of the time now, it still feels strange and surreal, but less like I’m trapped in some alternate universe trying to find a way home to earth 1.
I took a break from writing and came across an article about a widower whose wife died of pulmonary embolism after giving birth to their daughter. She was in the hospital and they still couldn’t save her from the pulmonary embolism (but this was 10 years ago and I'm sure more is known know about PE now), and just like that, she died 27 hours after giving birth at the ripe age of 30 before she was even able to carry her daughter. They were high school sweethearts and married for three years (similar to our story, but we were older when we started dating and we didn’t have a baby! Which you don’t know how thankful I am...I can’t even imagine going through this pain and grief while dealing with a baby or kid. It seems impossible to be a good parent while going through this tragedy, but I know it happens all the time!! Just dealing with the animals is a lot of work. Watching them grieve was hard. I didn’t know how to help them through their pain, especially Pebbles and Sasha! But, just like mommy, the babies are starting get back to their normal selves as well. The dogs are playing with each other again and Pebble is less sad and depressed. Sasha is starting to come out and play more - but sometimes I can’t tell if she hides because she doesn’t want her drops or if she misses you, it’s probably a little bit of both.) Anyways, back to the article I was reading. They started a pregnancy blog to chronicle their journey towards parenthood, but it ended up turning into a blog about being a single father and widower. The husband decided to continue blogging and it proved to be cathartic (which is the same for me as well), and he ended up writing a book and starting a foundation in his wife’s name! It’s amazing how he was able to channel his tragedy into something so positive. I can’t even fathom what he must have been going through, even though I’m going through it now. He just recently got remarried in February of this year (10 years later! So, if I follow this trend, it will be when I’m about 50!! Hmmm…..)
In the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy (Yes, I’m changing the subject, please keep up Babe!), Meredith is helping her daughter Lola get ready for Alex and Jo’s wedding, and Lola asks Meredith, “Mommy, when will you get married again?” Meredith laughs and says that you don’t get to two great love story in one life. Once is enough and that she doesn’t want to be greedy! Her daughter responds with love isn’t like candy where you’re greedy if you get more than one! Sometimes I think about this and wonder if I can ever love anyone again. Will there ever be enough room in my heart for someone else?? Honestly, I have no clue! But what I do know is that we always said, “If we don’t work out, we’d probably never get married again!” The time and investment it takes to build a relationship to the level we got ours to seems very daunting whenever I think about having to start over again. I mean, we didn’t decide to get married until 12 years later. But at the same time, I’m not even 40 years old yet, I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life alone when I know how great and amazing it was to be madly in love with your partner. To have love and laughter in your home and heart. To look at your partner after being together for 14 years like you just met and fell in love. It’s hard to have all that in your life and not to want and crave it again. I know I’ve never said it, but I’m sure it’s assumed how much my heart misses and yearns for you. I could fill all my days and time having fun with family and friends, but there’s always something missing--YOU! In my last therapy session, I told my therapist that I’m starting to feel very lonely. Even though I see friends and family on a regular basis, I miss the sense of closeness and intimacy I had with you. No matter how full my calendar is, I still feel very lonely and alone most of the time. I don’t think having a large and vibrant garden will ever fill my heart or stop the pain, but I guess it will help make it more bearable.
There are times I feel like I’m waiting for you to come visit me in my dreams so we can have that fairytale goodbye that happens in the movies or on TV. Where we tell each other how much we love each other before the person dies, instead of staring at each other blankly and speechless. It’s hard for me to not get upset whenever I play that scene back in my head. I can’t believe my last words to you was, “Stop panicking and breathing so hard!” And your last words to me was, “Okay!” We sat next to each other and I watched you trying to breath while you were on your knees. When the EMT brought the gurney and before you got on, you turned towards me and grabbed both of my shoulders and we just stared at each other, speechless. You were looking at me like you were trying to remember what I looked like. You looked like you were afraid this was going to be the last time you would see me and you didn’t want to forget what I looked like. You looked so scared, but you also looked so worried at the same time. All I could see in your face when we were staring at each other was, “What’s going to happen to my wife?! I don’t want to leave her yet!!” I can’t get that look out of my head. It continues to haunt me and I can’t help but feel I want a different ending. I want you to come back in my dreams so we can have our last conversation and say goodbye. I want a proper Hollywood goodbye ending, Babe. Is that too much to ask for?!
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.