Tears of joy and sorrow...mixed into one.

Hey Babe,

So, the only trend that remains consistent on this journey is if I don’t write or go to therapy on a regular basis, I’m a HOT MESS!!  (I always think I’m better and don’t need either, but then it all backfires a thousand times!!) I guess if I’m not writing, I’m not processing.  If I’m not processing, I’m not letting out whatever emotions I’m feeling, so I get anxious and the thoughts start pushing to come out and drives me mad.  When I get anxious, I can’t sleep and become restless and exhausted, so my emotions and feelings become more heightened and elevated, which makes me edgy and feeds into the cycle of anxiety that I can’t stop.  And if I’m not going to therapy, nobody is explaining to me why I’m going through the craziness I’m going through, so I become even more anxious when I don’t know what’s going on with me emotionally. When I can’t explain why I’m feeling the way I do, I get so lost and confused, once again making even more anxious.  All this anxiety and nervous energy just takes on a downward spiral, and I spin out of control and there's nobody to talk me off the ledge except me (but really, how can you talk yourself off the ledge when you don't even know or understand what you’re going through yourself.  So, it’s all bad and I become A HOT MESS!! **SIGH** Sometimes, I just don’t feel like writing because I just don’t want to feel the pain anymore.  There's only so much pain a person can feel or manage at a time.  Sometimes, you just want a break, you know?!  I'm just too tired and exhausted from life to come home and have to deal with grief also.  Sometimes, all I want is to call a time out!!  Can't I call a timeout once in awhile without spiraling out of control?!  Is that too much to ask for?!  I have things to do, a life to continue living, you know!  I can't just be sitting around crying my eyes out and figuring out how much deeper this pain can go!!  A timeout isn't avoiding -- it's just a timeout!!  But, whenever I try to call a timeout, grief thinks I'm avoid it, so the pain and sorrow hits me a thousand times harder. I hate grief. It's not a fair opponent.  It likes to hit below the belt and take low blows!!  Honestly, grief and I really need to battle it out and see who prevails. I got my boxing gloves on, and I can play dirty if I have to, so it better watch out!!

Another interesting phenomenon is crying in the shower at the women’s locker room at work after spin class on Fridays.  In my professional opinion, twice isn’t considered a trend, so I’ll just have to wait and see. But crying on the way to work has become a trend.  It’s odd how the tears just start flowing down as I pull out of the driveway. I’m waterworks all the way to work. Honestly, I don’t know what that’s all about.  It all started after I reached the milestone where I was able to decouple fear from grief. But now I’m just sad all the time. I think about you all the time. I told the therapist how KT and my sister say sometimes they forget you’re not here anymore, and they want to call or text you, but only to realize they can’t.   I told my therapist I never feel that way. I never think of calling or texting you. I never forget you’re not here anymore. If anything, that’s all I think about. I think about how I want to talk to you but I can’t. How I want to see your face and your smile, but I can’t. How I think of you whenever I read or see or hear something I know you would like.  How I miss getting articles or classified ads about an airstream or some dog that needs a home or funny videos you would forward and share with me. She says I can’t forget when I’m reminded everyday that you’re gone. You’re not part of their (KT and my sister) daily lives, so it’s easier to forget when there’s no daily reminders. I wake up everyday to a half empty bed and a closet and a house full of reminders.  Okay, that makes sense! I’ll buy into it! I thought maybe I was missing something. Now, I know why I never forget or have the urge to call or text you. If anything, whenever something happens that I want to tell you, I just feel a deep pain and sorrow in my heart because I know I can’t. Life continues to happen and there’s so much I want to tell you, but you’re not here to hear me say, “Guess what Babe?!”  Whenever this happens, I think about the scene from This is Us where the Mandy Moore character breaks down and cries when her first granddaughter is born (mind you her husband died when the kids were 17 years old, so this is a long time later).  She says whenever there are moments like these, her tears are full of joy and sorrow at the same time. Tears of joy for the momentous milestone yet full of sorrow because she doesn’t get to share it with her husband.  I guess that will be me for now on. Each moment of happiness will not only be filled with joy but also with sorrow because I’ll constantly be reminded that you’re not here to share them with me. That I’m all alone in this world at the ripe age of 39 against my will after living a life full of love and happiness and hope.    

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