The dichotomy

Hi Babe,

Well - it looks like I’m taking a last minute trip to China for work!  I guess being home for five consecutive weeks was getting antsy for me that I didn’t mind going last minute!  Literally purchased my ticket today and leaving on Sunday! **SIGH** Sometimes it’s so hard to be home but in all honestly grief has followed me on my travels, so it’s not like I’m taking a break or vacation from grief anymore when I’m away!  It feels the same as if I was home or anywhere in the world now. I feel just being on the move gives me solace that I’m somehow moving and not just standing still. I don’t know if the antsiness will ever go away or if I will ever settle into widowhood, but I guess this antsiness was always a part of me before I met you.  I’m not sure if I ever mentioned that some of the traits I didn’t like about myself before meeting you has started to resurface again. But, they have, much to my dismay, and it’s been a struggle to fight or suppress these unwanted traits. There are times where I can’t believe how much of myself and identity has become so wrapped up with you! When you pride yourself on being an independent woman of the millennium, you can’t help but be so shocked when you are going through an identity crisis after your husband drops dead on you suddenly and unexpectedly, with almost no rhyme or reason.  I feel like all I’ve been doing the last year or so is mourn your death and mourn the loss of my identity as a wife and partner while trying to figure who I am and what my life should look like now that I’m by myself. It hasn’t been easy, and some days, I feel like I’m trapped in hell or a really bad nightmare that I’m struggling to wake up from but cannot. Over time, it has gotten easier to manage the pain and it no longer monopolizes my life anymore, but it never really feels better and the pain never really goes away either.  If anything, I still go through days where I’m still in disbelief and shock that you are not here anymore, while other days, it’s like our life is what feels distant and imaginary; like it never even happened; like it was just a figment of my imagination; a dream that I finally woke up from.  A fairytale that doesn't exist in real life.

I feel like I’m constantly straddling two worlds where neither life makes sense nor feels right.  It’s almost like I’m just going through the motions of living this life, while I’m waiting for something to happen.  What?! I have no clue, but I always feel like I’m in a holding pattern.  Like I’m just chillin’ in purgatory until I can get reincarnated or something.  Although the struggles have become less frequent and more manageable, the pain and emotions still hasn’t changed.  Things that used to be hard or was a struggle has started to become more second nature now.  I no longer feel the immense pain or longing or emptiness but I also know that the pain, longing, and emptiness will never ever go away either. Even though I see the same person staring at me in the mirror, I know she’s not the same person anymore.  Even if I have no clue who she is just yet, I know she is different, and she will never ever be the same again. There are moments where I still can’t believe this is my life, but then there are other moments where I’m fully aware that this is my life and situation. It’s been hard to live with so much unknown and uncertainty when all I knew before seemed to be so sure and definite.  When “‘til death do us part” seemed so far away, yet came way too early.

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