The other day, I had a dream I was falling back and someone caught me from behind, but I didn’t know who it was. It felt so real that it woke me up. I could feel the person’s hand on my back as I fell into their hand and chest, but I never turned around to look at who it was, I just woke up. I didn’t need to look because because I already know who it was you. You were trying to tell me that you will always catch me whenever I fall, whether you are here or not.
It’s been hard lately Babe. I feel like I’m falling, spiraling out of control, unraveling, and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. I just keep falling, spiraling, and unraveling. I feel like I’m watching a movie where the audience is saying, “OMG, What is she doing?! Why can’t she just grab the life and happiness that’s right in front of her. Why does she keep torturing herself like that?!” That’s the thing, I realize that I don’t know how to grab what’s right in front of me. I don’t know how to move forward. I’ve concluded that “moving forward” is a lot harder than moving on since there was no finality to the relationship. There was no break-up, no argument or fight, no agreement to separate or end the relationship. There was no “ending” or “conclusion” to our parting. We didn’t choose it or want it. It was forced upon us and decided without our consent. We had no control over it and it’s so hard to fathom and accept at times, especially when it was something you didn’t choose or having any control over and it seems so senseless and untimely at the same time. So, moving forward has been a lot harder than I expected. It’s not because I don’t want to move forward; it’s because I just don’t know how to. I don’t know how to stick out my hand and reach for it. I don’t even know where to start or what I’m supposed to do. I don’t even know how to be “single” or live a “single” life. I don’t even know how to #adulting without you since I’ve never “adulted” without you. It’s hard to believe that I’ve spent my entire adult life with you. I was in grad school when we met, so I was just living an extension of “college life.” I never really had to be an adult until I left grad school, so all of my “adulting” life was with you by my side.
I feel like I’ve been trying to get comfortable and settled into my widowhood skin, but whenever I start to feel comfortable or settled, I realize I don’t ever want to be comfortable or settle. I never want to be comfortable or settled in widowhood. All I want to do is to rip it off, piece by piece. I want nothing to do with it. I just want you back. So, I start getting antsy and anxious when I’m still (aka “comfortable” or “settled”) for too long. All I want to do is just keep moving since “moving” makes me feel like I’m somehow going forward on this journey, even if I’m deluding myself, since all I’m doing is actually running in circles or in one place and not really going anywhere. At times, I feel like if I stop, everything will fall apart and break into a million pieces again. So, I have to keep going; running, moving, trying to get ahead of grief so it can’t catch up to me and take over my life again. I refuse to stop running because I can’t bear the pain anymore. The pain can be so unbearable at times that all I want to do is scream and yell at the universe, but all that comes out is tears. Tears of pain and sorrow, so deep that I’ve yet to hit bottom. Tears of loss and grief, so great it’s literally unbearable. Tears for all the lost memories and unfulfilled plans. Tears for all the yearning and desire that nothing in the world can satisfy. Tears for the wife that is husbandless but doesn’t know how to be anything else but a wife. Tears for the 40-something person who’s relegated back to her 20-something unsure and insecure self. I feel like all I do now is cry. I cry for myself. I cry for your mom. I cry for all your family and friends. I cry for all the people who lost their spouse too early, when “til death do us part” came way too early. I cry for all the parents who lost their child. I feel like all I do is cry and it never ends. The tears never stop coming. I can’t even remember a day where my life feels complete anymore. Most days, I feel stuck and drifting at the same time. How can someone be stuck and drifting at the same time?! I don’t know but that’s how I feel.
A grieving widow who is trying to find meaning and purpose from her tragic event.